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- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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Like is everyone just stupid or am I a master liar? More importantly, how the f--- do you stop lying?
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Yeah I'm gonna stay up here until you all leave
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I can't deal with it this year I just can't
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My head hurts and I feel like I'm going to cry
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It's been weird lately. Every day is just going through the motions. No breakdowns, but no real feelings either. My only motivation is keeping my mother stable
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Our relationship is baffling. It's like on one hand, I hate how she complains about everything and I'm afraid whenever she seems to spiral out of control. But on the other, I feel like I have to be at her side at all times and I really care for her.
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Same with him. He let's me down time after time, yet I can't get enough time with him. I guess it's normal to feel an attachment like that with your parents, but usually it seems like people either hate or love their parents. It feels like they could hurt me again and again and I'd still allow it to happen.
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It feels they could do anything to me and I'd still be by their side. Honestly, at this point they could kill me and I'd forgive them.
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And it scares me how much I'd allow someone to get away with before I put my foot down. But I wonder, would I ever actually put my foot down? Or would I just latch on to someone more if they hurt me?
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Sometimes I wonder why I forgave them in the first place. And if I really meant it. I wonder if I've been taking things too far. I think I'm slowly becoming the parasitic person my mother was to me. But now the roles are reversed. I don't leave them alone.
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I guess you become what you see. I just don't understand my attachment. Is it from wanting a family so bad as a child that I'm taking that opportunity now? Or am I simply becoming codependent?
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It's like this every day. It feels weird when I'm not with them. I don't understand why I'm like this. I'm technically an adult now. I should be independent. But I just want to stay here with them forever.
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Maybe it's because I know it won't last that I'm holding on so tightly. I mean, mom's liver is failing. Plus, things with them never last. I have to take it while I can, as selfish as it is.
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I can't help but wonder if I'm wasting my time here on Earth, and that there is something better after death. Would it make everything go away?
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Would I finally be happy there?
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