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- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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No it's a bad thing it's not a good thing why cant you understand that
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It's not cool and a place you want to be it's my supposed to be my pain it's a vent not a pretty thing
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I was letting out everything that was bothering me. I was trying to be vulnerable and it backfired horribly. Maybe I should just end it all so everyone can physically see the pain.
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And it's like nobody f---ing cares. I'm suffering and nobody cares. And I'm so sick of the monotonous way I talk to people on here. "Hi! How are you? What's new with you? I'm okay." No, I'm not okay. But none of you f---ing care so there's no point in mentioning it.
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And I'm so sick of everything being my fault in my mind. Maybe it's not my fault I feel like no one cares. Maybe it's my friends fault for making me feel that way. Maybe it's my family's fault for treating me like everything's okay. I'm angry because you made me feel this way. I'm not angry because I feel this way. I'm angry because none of you check on me. I'm angry because you're failing me as friends and family.
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You know what? I'm so tired of being the nice one all the time. I want to kill myself to hurt you all. I want you all to feel that pain and know you were the one that failed me. I want to hurt you all so bad. I know when I read this whenever I read it again I'll say this isn't me talking. That I'm not thinking like myself. But it's how I feel. I want to hurt you. I want to hurt everyone.
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And I'll let this rage build and build because nobody will calm me down. Nobody cares to tell me how I feel isn't like me. Nobody cares to help me see why that logic is wrong. No matter how much I lash out, I will lash out alone because nobody is reading this and thinking I need them. Despite that being the farthest from the truth.
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If aggression will get people to listen, than aggression is what I'll do. I think you're all disgusting. You sit there and bother me with your problems, but then you don't give a s--- to listen to mine when I need you the most. How is that fair to me? I try being nice and I get nothing in return. Maybe it was better when I was an a--hole to all of you. Because whenever I'm nice, I still feel just as alone then when I'm being an a--hole
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And I know none of you will stop me despite that being the best course of action. Because you don't think I'm talking about you. But I am. I'm talking about all of you. Does that grab your attention enough? Now that I mentioned you? Now is this a problem?
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Yeah, what I'm doing is childish. You can say that all you want. That I'm hurting you and insulting you with the intent of grabbing your attention. But sometimes, desperation makes you do childish things. I know what I'm doing is wrong. But when you feel you have no other choice, because you feel you've tried everything else, you resort to what you know works. You can fault me for not being mature about it. Sometimes maturity doesn't allow you to get what you need. Sometimes being childish will get someone to accommodate you because they see it as a problem that needs to be fixed. And this problem, needs to be fixed.
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Look at the mess I've made. This won't do. It's not how I wanted to be seen. I lost my temper and finally let out another outburst. What was your bet on how long it'd take? A few months? Those who have been on the site long enough knew that explosive Paige would come out at one point. -
I couldn't keep the act up long enough to really give a show of what I'm like when I'm truly angry. I knew it was wrong, like I said. Except I did lie. I made it seem like I didn't care, but I actually did care way more than I let on. I know I said I was sick of blaming myself and putting all of this rage onto solely me. But I think that was actually the motivation behind my outburst. To get me to be angry at myself even more. And it worked. My therapist told me to be gentle on myself this week. But I simply couldn't do that.
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I'm worsening at an alarming rate. That's all this means. Maybe I'll continue to get worse, until I can no longer get worse.
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I try leaving hints, it doesn't work. I try acting distracted, doesn't work. I try physically f---ing crying, doesn't f---ing work. Theres nothing that gets through to her.
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I'm constantly so f---ing upset and nobody does anything to try to help me
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