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- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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I think it really just hit me that she's out of my life now. I'm going to miss her.
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Starting over is gonna suck. But I can't let my feelings get in the way. I know she said I'm allowed to feel my feelings, but I think it's best to push them down until they're gone.
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Although they may never leave. And then I'll have too much pushed down and I'll explode.
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It just sucks. I have to build trust with someone new. And I don't think I'm in the right place to be doing that.
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But I don't want to feel it. I want to just ignore it so it will go away.
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But at the same time, I do want to feel it. I want to feel something.
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I feel both nothing and everything at the same time.
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It cancels every thought out. I can't even fantasize anymore.
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I hate the way I fluctuate. I feel nothing, I feel everything. I don't need it at all, I need it right this instant.
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I feel like all I'm good for is pleasing people or trying to make them feel better. Like everything about me revolves around others.
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I'd love to be able to vent to other people but I feel like I'm burdening them, so I never do. Instead I make a fool out of myself here, waiting for someone to come to me.
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But no matter how much I scream or cry, nobody comes. It's a fruitless attempt.
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You'd think that would make me stop screaming and crying. But it doesn't. I continue to cry and scream and lose control. It's almost as if I'm on a show or in a book. Nobody in the audience can reach me. They just...watch or read.
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But I do it on the hope that someone will reach out to me. Whether it be here or privately on discord. Maybe make me feel like I'm not on an island.
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I guess it shows how starved and broken I've become in real life.
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