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- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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I mean, drop out again. And then I may get my GED, might not. Depends on if I'm in a fighting mood. Just kidding, I'm never in the fighting mood.
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I'm a giver upper. I'll never fight for what I want or need. I'll live life miserably for the rest of my days.
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It's just the way I am. I was never the type to fight. I internalize everything and let it build until I eventually explode. But the explosion already happened. So now I'm just existing.
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Sometimes I indulge myself in false hope, but it can only get you so far. I mean, there's no reason I should be here anymore. Yet, here I am.
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Nobody outside my family would miss me anyways. Everyone has someone whose better than me. I'm nobody's best friend, nobody needs me.
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I'm a little a--hole. I beat myself up until I cry. And then I continue to beat myself up until I cry harder and it's at a point I can't control. For entertainment.
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Honestly one of these days I should just say f--- it and do it
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I always fantasize of dying when it's recorded. Where it's online for everyone to see.
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I want to put on a show for everyone. I want the finale to be grand. Like a livestream or something. I want everyone to know how my story ends.
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I want to do a few things first before I actually do it though. I want to show off my doll collection. I want to eat my last meal. I want to talk about a few things like the ocean and anime I was watching. And then have a countdown. And when I finally reach 1, I'd do it.
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The fantasy is growing stronger and more persistent throughout the days. I just want somebody to see me. I want someone to see my pain. And it feels like the only way people will see is if I do it.
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But I don't even have a gun so I can't. It's the only fantasy I feel like has a possibility of coming true. It feels like the idea of having friends and a job and a good life is out of my league and that this is the only way.
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So tell me, do you see me?
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I see you and feel your pain
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Thank you. I don't know if I can actually comprehend how much I needed to hear that.
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