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- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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I never take the steps I need to. I'm such a f---in loser. If I could actually just do things than maybe I'd feel happier. Or maybe if I actually followed advice people give me I wouldn't be here. But I'm a stubborn person and if I don't wanna than I'm not gonna. Even when I want to take their advice it's like my brain just actively tells me not to do it like something bad is going to happen if I do.
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Why do I have to be this way? Why can't I be some other way?
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It's not fair how the people around me get to function normally and I don't.
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I finally reached my breaking point two years ago, and I never bounced back fully. I never fully made a recovery. And I'm starting to feel like I'll never make a full recovery. That this will be the rest of my life.
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I don't think I can handle this for the rest of my life. I can barely handle it now. I'm getting more and more crazy as the days progress. And the place never called me back and I'm ready to just give up.
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Maybe I will give up
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I don't know what to do. I can't keep on doing this, but the thought that I'd never get to see gammy again scares me. On the other hand it hurts so much just to exist. But I'd never get to see gampy either.
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Could you imagine doing absolutely nothing all day and then complaining about it because you want to do stuff but your dumb--- can't
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I'm so incompetent it's not even funny. Like I need to not be this way. I'm supposed to be an adult but I can't do anything by myself
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I'm afraid to even do basic things by myself, like going on a walk. The idea of going alone scares me. I can't be left alone for too long or else this happens and I can't cope
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I'm like a parasite. I need someone to keep me company or I won't be able to survive. I'm alone in my room right now, which is probably why this is all happening.
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So, I should go out and find someone right? Right. But I'm not going to do that because I'm not a bad point yet and I won't get up. I need to push myself a little further before I go ask for help. I can't ask for help when it's not bad yet.
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This is why I am the way I am. I ignore everyone's good advice and just do what I'm used to. It's my fault I'm in this situation. We had to cancel therapy because my therapist was sick this week so I couldn't have my weekly cry about my life. And I don't think I realize how much I need it until I miss a week.
But it really is my fault. If I could just stop being myself and pull everything together than I wouldn't be here. I always listen and say I'm going to do things, even when I don't because I don't like being yelled at. -
Since nobody will make me prove I've been doing these things, I just lie and say I have been doing these things, when I don't. And I don't think I'll ever change because it's too late. It's too late for me to change my ways. They're engraved into me.
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And nobody ever calls me out on it because apparently I'm a really good liar. Sometimes I wish someone I felt safe with would just say "I don't believe you" when I lie to them. Whether it be because I lied about how I'm doing, or because I said I did something I didn't.
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