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- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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I just don't know how to let go of things. And I wish I didn't hold on to every thing that bothers me. But my mind won't allow me to. Everything serves as a reminder of what I feel like I'll never have again. And I just lose myself in the fantasy of what I once had.
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I hate not being good at anything that matters. Why can't I be good at something that makes gammy proud? She doesn't like that I want to talk about how my life's been because she's embarrassed of me.
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And it sucks when the one person who cares about you is embarrassed of you. Especially more so because of my brother who she's so proud of. I wish he didn't exist sometimes.
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Well, actually, no, it's more I wish I didn't exist.
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I'm tired of being the one nobody wants to talk about. I wish I was younger sometimes so the expectations were lower.
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If I could go back and just choose to not drop out and keep going even though I knew I couldn't I would. Maybe then my grandma would want to talk about me.
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Maybe she'd say how proud of me she is if I died. She'd probably hold a higher regard of me dead than she does now.
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Maybe everyone would be proud of me if I died. Maybe my old friends would wish we were friends again. Maybe they would've wanted to reach out more if they found out I died.
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Maybe there really isn't anything left for me here.
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I want to just cry and tell you what's wrong but I can't because we have company rn
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Even the slightest things set me off now. It puts me into being paranoid so having someone like him in the house makes it really hard for me. I want to see gammy but that would require me to see him as well.
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Life has been almost impossible for me lately and I really can't do this anymore. I just break down at the slightest things that shouldn't bother me. And I'm falling apart. I spend half of my time in a fantasy because I can't live here.
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I'm just totally at a loss on what I should do. I just want to give up. I can't keep doing this. But I'm supposed to get more help soon. At this point I don't know if it will even do anything.
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I don't really have anything left. I don't have friends to talk to, I don't have a job to get away from home, I don't have the strength to keep going, I don't have any motivation, I have nothing.
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I can't wait to go away. Maybe I should stay in my room all day so they will know what it will feel like when I'm gone.
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