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- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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If my mom doesnt stop f---ing complaining I might lose it
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I've been disassociating these past days. I remember doing some things, but I don't really remember being there. I guess that's how I've been coping with everything going on.
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Well, except when the babies come over. It's like the amount of noise they make jolts me back into reality, and it overwhelms me. But I don't know if I want to stay in this position. It's like my mind works in slow motion.
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Processing everything is becoming so difficult. And the only way I can cope with emotions is processing them. I don't externalize my emotions, I never have. They're all kept inside. So the only way I can work through them is figuring them out. But I can't think. Everything moves so slow
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I'm also fantasizing a lot. I would say I have an active imagination, but this fantasy is more grim. It seems fantasizing of death and what it would be like in those last moments, the aftermath, how the others around feel after losing the person, it keeps me sane. The characters dying are usually characters I create to replace myself. It's like my only coping mechanism as of right now. If I can't go through what I want, I imagine I do it. But my death fantasies have been happening multiple times a day, every day.
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I use bright flashing color imagery to represent what the character is seeing as they die. Everything is so bright and colorful. But I also make sure I can see the pain as it's happening. What kind of pain or side effects depends on the method the character uses. But the pain doesnt matter; they're finally happy. For once in their life, they feel alive. And that feeling of happiness and being alive, just for those last few minutes before the method takes its fatal effect, makes it worth it. They smile and think to themselves; "this is what true happiness feels like", and within that very moment, the method takes its toll on their body. Whatever happens next depends on the method, but needless to say, they die. Someone finds them, heartbroken. But the character always leaves a note explaining why, for closure.
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I always try to imagine what my funeral would look like. Would it just be my grieving family? Would R come? Would any of my old friends come? What would they say for my eulogy? Who's saying it? I would hope someone would be sad to hear I'm gone. I wonder what everyone would think. Would they want to go back in time and help me? Would they believe everything happens for a reason?
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I don't know what to do anymore, I'm at a genuine loss.
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I'm still very dissociated, I should be getting the call soon
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It takes me on average 2 hours to get out of bed and I hate that
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But it's not like I have any plans or anywhere to go during the day
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The days feel so much longer. It's been over a year, maybe two now since I've had someone that I could call a friend irl. At first it didn't bother me, but now my days are filled with nothingness and I have no one to go to. Even with my online friends I get hesitant to talk to them, I feel like I'm being annoying and that I'm bothering them.
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I feel as though I have nothing left to live for
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And I feel like most people would just forget that I'm gone. Like the only people that would go to my funeral would be my family, but they kinda have to go.
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Nobody is thinking about me. Nobody is like "I wonder if she's doing okay". And the only person who I felt cared about me has bigger priorities and sees me as a burden
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