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- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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But even in my online life, I'm just a toy. Played with when needed, thrown away when not needed.
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I wish I could feel again without having to trigger myself.
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I want to let her in, I really do. But I play games instead. Drop hints, like I'm a puzzle that needs to be solved. I don't like that I'm that way. I want to be able to say what I think. Instead of hoping she can read minds and do what I want her to do without me telling her.
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I'll try an experiment today when we play uno. I'll try to lose every time. Maybe that will signal something's wrong without me having to say something.
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Because talking doesn't feel like an option. It feels like it's too hard and I ruin every opportunity I get.
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But if it doesn't work, I'll be beyond at my limit. I might start crying in frustration. What do I say when she realizes what I'm doing? Maybe something like "sometimes, people do the opposite of what they want to do". Does that sound thought provoking enough? Will she ask me to elaborate then? And that's the point in which I ask for help?
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Maybe at that point I should just say "what does playing uno help me with, what does it help me improve on?"
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But would that throw her off and cause an argument? I'm afraid of starting a conflict.
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Maybe I should just say that it makes the game more interesting. But then it looks like I'm doing it for entertainment purposes and that there's nothing behind it. But the whole purpose is to start a conversation.
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What if she gets mad regardless? What do I do then?
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Do I just say how I really feel? Do I say that I don't think this is getting us anywhere?
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God, this is such a mess.
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If I could just advocate for myself like a normal person this wouldn't even have been a problem
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I'm never going to finish those essays in time, so I might as well give up on it now.
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It was all I had left. They made it seem like the school would accept me and that it wasn't a competition.
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