Venting Thread
- Locked by Carri04 on Oct 29, '23 9:13pmReason: Sorry you gotta deal with this.
Thread Topic: Venting Thread
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Lots of new video games, animes, and movies are coming out and that's one thing to look forward to
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Still feel kinda sad, anxious, and unsafe though, but I have been distracting myself with all the positives I have atm. Not really working but I try
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It’s great that you’re trying
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Late reply from me, but thank you
I'm also starting to create a healthier lifestyle with lots of exercise for myself as well since I love doing that and think it'll help my mental health along with doing some self discovery so that's what I'm working on right now, as well as writing improvement just bc I want to do that and love writing stories -
Not trying to get mushy into the love stuff but ngl, I love my partner so frickin much and just love how courteous, adorable, smart, and loving he is, and he's always so accepting of me, and my diabetes and living conditions rn. He actually said he'll stick w me through this and always knows the right things to say
And idk why, but I see him in the light of being some polite prince while I'm in the light of being that one idiot laughing about I joke I heard a week ago in the corner :/ -
Why does it hurt so bad
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I have this assignment that is due tomorrow for History Class but I'm not even close to done with it and don't have motivated to finish it. All I want to do is rest and wait for the pain to pass, but I'm trying to push myself to do work
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Also, watched One Piece and it's kinda mid. Forgot exactly who called it "Mid Piece" but it's still pretty alright, just overrated.
I've also been re-watching Gintama and it's still good, along with Dr. Stone -
There's been something bugging me recently... (Events occurring recently this year)
I had this friend that I was once close to and went through bullying and drama for in order to defend them bc I thought they were a good, genuine person. I hanged out with them bc they were a good, genuine person and I cared for them bc they were a good genuine person and were cool with me. I thought they were cool... until recently.
I was warned by someone who used to date them that I shouldn't speak with that friend or, to at least keep in mind that they may turn on me or aren't what they show to be. I ignored the person they had dated's comment bc I thought they were just saying that bc things didn't work out between them since they both broke up that day. But soon, I had lost the person they dated as a friend bc they suddenly cut all communication with me. Not sure what I did wrong but that's that.
After that, I stayed friends with the same friend I thought was genuine before finding out they weren't who I thought they were... they were still kind to me, sure, but from a far, I had saw how rude they had become, the type of disrespectful jokes they made, and their interactions with other people. They were just as their ex described him to truly be. I should've listened to them, but I didn't at the time. Though, from seeing all this, I had realized my friend wasn't who I thought they were. They were way different. Less mature and sweet.
I have now decided to stop talking to them purposely, though, our friendship was already fading into nothing before that. They don't even consider me as a friend anymore, just someone they know and I'm cool with that... I think. It's just weird to see their bad side, but tbh, I shouldn't be so surprised since, even as their friend, I saw some of their bad side and ignored it. But man, it hurts that they weren't the kind person I had seen them to be. They were like a role model to me as well, someone I enjoyed talking to. Ever since losing them, I lost more and more people as friends. It could've been bc of my social skills, busy lifestyle, and push away relationship I sometimes have with people without realizing but I have discovered a short reason for it, or, I think is the reason.
Anyway, in conclusion, this old friend was kind to me and their friends. That's cool, but I feel they should think before they speak with other people, or even when they make rude jokes with their friends.
I don't regret defending them from the-- what I'll call "bullying" since it's on this site-- and going through the bullying and harassment I went through for months from helping them. I don't regret it at all and am happy that my old friend doesn't have to deal with that anymore. I don't either since it had stopped just recently and honestly, some of the stuff were just between me and the bully, and not him.
Long story but kinda needed to get this out since it's been weighing on my mind -
TW: Minor Self H@rm, not much detail tho
I hate sleeping so much and even though I usually can't sleep much in the first place, I still try to avoid sleeping whenever I can bc I'm afraid of having dreams. I just keep having nightmares and hate it so so so much.
Ik it probably sounds a lil strange saying I am afraid of nightmares at my age but it's just bc each dream is literally a nightmare. Never anything positive. All the nightmares are about are my phobias and worries.
Most of my recent dreams have been lucid dreams (Yeah, I think that's what it's called, kinda forgot) and that makes things even worse bc all throughout the dream, I'm telling myself to wake up, that's it's only a dream, but I still feel it is real and can't wake up so I have to suffer through the dream until I do. I had a dream like this recently where I was trying to wake myself up, but couldn't, I even tried c-tting and harming myself just to wake up, which are things I'm considering irl but I am okay and don't really want people to worry abt me. I'm trying to set my mind on other things anyway.
But yeah, that dream scared me so much and I've also been having dreams of getting into car crashes, which is something I'm afraid of getting into due to being in them many times in the past, at young ages. And for some reason, my mother gets frustrated when we're in the car and me, who is sitting either in the back or front seat, is staring at the road, keeping an eye out for any nearby cars who may hit us. My mom is aware that this is bc of the car crashes of the past, but she still does not want me staring at the road, but I do it anyway, sometimes, I don't even know I'm doing it. It's just a habit that I have and every time a car gets too close to ours, I begin to freak out, sometimes even cry from the fear.
It may not be such a big deal, none of this is, but it's still pretty scary to me, especially the dreams. Someone recently told me that they wanted a lucid dream, that it would be cool, but it's not, not when it's a lucid dream about your fear that you're running away from and trying to wake up from.
Sometimes, I wake from these types of dreams successfully. Other times, I don't and end up waking up in tears or wake up with a mean cough. Don't know exactly why but all Ik is that I don't want to sleep. At least not at night since this occurs the most then, but Ig nightmares/dreams aren't always a bad thing, since they give me inspiration for stories and art in a way -
I wish I was happy again ngl
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Well, if I was ever truly happy. Other than all the yelling and fighting, I was good back then.
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Also, weird thing I noticed is that I keep having these sudden "Flashbacks" or "Memories" of things, mostly bad things. I never recalled the memories until now and am honestly not sure if they are real since they are coming back to me all of the sudden. I've been told that it could be due to traumatic experiences that I'm now beginning to remember but idrk, I thought I remembered all of them
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I've been thinking about running away or just... "disappearing" bc I don't wanna be here anymore and think life would be better for the fam and everyone else if they lived without me, especially since most things going on are my fault.
It's just a thought tho -
TW: Self H@rm, again, no details
I made another scar just bc of all these overwhelming emotions today and I told him abt it even though I was extremely nervous to do so... but he wasn't upset. Doesn't surprise me much but... it just feels good to not be yelled at or being called "stupid" for doing smth that the person thought was "silly" to do as usual. Instead, he was sweet about it. It made me feel good but I still feel bad abt this cuz Ik I promised him that I wouldn't do it anymore and I broke this promise...
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