Visions in Ashes
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 4, '23 3:54am
Thread Topic: Visions in Ashes
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The way he said it made it sound like it was my fault I had to lift some heavy box over my head because nobody was available to get it for me and we didn't have time for step ladders.
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I finally finished high school, so why do I feel so dead? I was so proud of myself, last night, but now I feel like my accomplishment is nothing, especially since people younger than me usually finish easily and long before this age...
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I felt so good about nothing. It shouldn't have taken me as long as it did, and I should be ashamed that it did. And I am.
I woke up feeling ready to do some fun things, draw, sew, talk to my wonderful fiance...But, now, I just want to lie down and sleep for the rest of the day. I just want to be alone. -
I feel really tired of being alive, today. I want to tear myself apart. I don't feel like I have any meaning. I don't know why I started feeling like this shortly after I woke up. I had a rather good night. Now, I just feel completely like garbage.
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Today has been really long. I'm also a bit on edge. I haven heard from Brandan, today, and the last time this happened, he ended up being sick....
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Sometimes I feel like it would've been better off if I actually went through with it. I feel like it would be better to have died than hurt the people I love, not even meaning to. If I has died, you wouldn't be in pain, right now.
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*had
Being alive to not only hurt you but also hang around to see you hurting is a much worse punishment than death. -
How could I ever forgive myself for this?
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Would you even forgive me? Or have I used up all your forgiveness?
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It grieves me to even hear my mind explain what all was going on. It doesn't matter. You ended up hurt by it even if you had nothing to do with the reason I felt that way.
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I don't belong here. I never should have been here. All I do I mess up and hurt people.
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So it ate me up inside, knowing you misunderstood the direction of my anger, and I wanted to apologize that it hurt you. I wanted to do everything I could to make up for it. But, in the end, I am not sufficient, and neither are my apologies...
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I meant it with all my heart that you weren't in the wrong and I appreciated your attempts. I knew you were trying your hardest. I said it so many times, trying to be clear that I wasn't angry with you. I meant it. I still mean it. My heart is aching for you because I can't seem to get through to you. No matter what I say, you refuse to believe that you're not the problem. No matter what I say, I feel unforgiven for what happened, even though I said it wasn't directed towards you before I finally burst.
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I'm learning to take your word on things when you tell me it's not my fault or you want me to be here. I'm doing so much better than when we first started. It's still scary and sometimes quite difficult to trust that I'm not the issue when you say I'm not, but I trust you...
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I don't know what it'll take to help you take my word on situations like this...
Maybe this is one of the things you told me you had to handle on your own. But you know I'll always want to help you any way possible...
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