Visions in Ashes
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 4, '23 3:54am
Thread Topic: Visions in Ashes
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I guess it's good to know that I'm physically healthy, but mentally is still a no. I didn't want more medicine, but my folks have been snapping at me and beating up on me because of the frequent anxiety attacks. So now I'm being put on anxiety medicine. Then, I also have to change my nightly pill because it's making my mood worse and interfering with my antidepressants so those don't do a single thing for me. But, if my antidepressants still don't work, I'll have to change those, too. I'm tired of these pills that taste gross and do nothing. Pills that complicate my life when I have to stop and eat. I got my head chewed off at work today because I had to go on break during the busiest time of the morning just so I could eat and take my meds. I'm not used to having to do that, but if I don't take my medicine at a routinely time, I get nauseous, severely depressed, and slightly delirious. They've seen it before, yet they continue to shame me for having to take a break to get my medicine. And they sometimes won't let me. They make up excuses like they tell me to take this customer for them, first, and then they'll cover for me so I can take my meds, but while I'm doing that, they run off and don't return for hours. But, after two weeks of having no consistency with taking my meds, I take them on time today and get barked at by my boss.
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I'm largely sick of the world. The more I try to interact with others, the worse I find this place to be. This is discouraging, and every time I find another encounter like this, it makes me feel a little more apathetic every day.
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All the things I think. All the things I would love to do to myself. But, at the same time, it's not what I want. I feel torn. I don't want to hurt myself, and I definitely have no intent on suicide, anymore, and I haven't in a while. But, still, my mind tells me it's necessary that I die, or that I should self-harm for discipline because I deserve it, or to rid myself of the urge to harm others. Every time I feel I've done wrong and should be punished, it's all I can think about; it's all I have the urge to do. And I'm trying so hard. I'm using reasoning, now, and asking myself what hurting myself will do to help the situation, even if I was wrong for something. But, it's like reasoning doesn't work on these thoughts. I know what would be rational versus irrational, and still, I believe the irrational more than the rational.
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I'm really sick of these people, though. I have to do everything, and then, they complain about how they all get paid the same when they work six hours and aren't suppose to get a lunch break, tell me they're taking their 15, and take even longer than a lunch break because they feel like they deserve it. I have a 6-hour shift, tomorrow, and when I do those, I'm usually starving at the end, but I don't give myself an hour-long lunch break and abandon them during the busiest time of the day just because I'm upset that I don't get paid more and I can't have an authorized lunch break.
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Not going to lie. This is kind of depressing. I'm trying to get better with it, but it really hurts... I feel like I just need to cry for a while.
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I don't know how to take this. What happened within the 2 hours that I was napping?
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The answer to that probably isn't important. The bottom line is what had been stated...
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I just feel like s---, myself, now...
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I'll just leave it in here...
I feel like maybe I just need to be alone. It hurts... -
How does one wake up feeling depressed, anxious, and empty all at the same tike? Should I actually be taking something for my serotonin and dopamine deficiency? Is that what the antidepressants are for? They really don't seem to help me any.
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That was an hour ago. I still feel anxious. I don't know why.
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I just feel so done with everything. I'm tired of trying.
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I don't want to exist, right now. I wish I could tear myself apart.
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I have to fill out an injury report at work, today, because they overworked me yesterday and I think I sprained my shoulder. It's stiff, pain shoots up and down my arm and out to my spine, my shoulder feels numb, and it feels like it's on fire when I move it. But they want me to fill out the form and then see what I can do at work, despite having an injury of some sort that I acquired from them trying to make me do everything...
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So, I went to work and couldn't work, so I got sent home. I'm really upset because when I told the manager what caused the injury and he wanted to know ways it could've been avoided, he was like "You could've used the step ladder." Realistically, I couldn't have because we were far too busy to go run off and find a step ladder to use. And it's not like y'all would like it, anyway. So...
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