Visions in Ashes
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 4, '23 3:54am
Thread Topic: Visions in Ashes
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Sometimes I wonder if my life would be better had I remained non-verbal...
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I appear to say all the wrong things...
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i dont know u but dont say that abt ur self ^^
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Please don't come in here.
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I feel like taking a depression nap until I have to leave...
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It's not really venting, but I suppose it's a good thing. Talking to Brandan about religion and my concerns—it was really scary because, while I suppose I'm a Christian, he's an atheist. The biggest issue that usually comes up is that one ends up trying to push their beliefs off onto the other. I didn't want that to happen, and it was a fear that thus difference would break us apart, but, I have hope, now that we've talked, and I believe we'll be just fine. I'm actually really shocked that he agreed to let me pray for him. I'm also really glad that he did. I may not do all the rituals most try to keep, I do pray, and it's a very important part of my routine. I pray over my food, and I pray over my loved ones. I'll even pray during the worst circumstances. Does it actually work? I believe so. But, it's also understood that not every prayer will be answered if it's not meant to happen. One thing I'm definitely praying for is his health. I feel horrible that he's ill again...
Anyone reading this might think that I suddenly flipped a switch to become "more religious", but, in honesty, this has been my practice all along. I just didn't share it... -
I'm just not feeling my best, today. I've just wanted more solitude since everyone wants to act so cold to me. Why are you offended that I tried to take my life to keep from hurting you since nothing else helped or changed the situation? How are you still saying it was selfish? You all called me a burden in so many words, do how is it selfish to remove the burden from you?
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Suicide has been sounding rather appealing, lately, but, at the same time, I have no desire or will to act on it...
It just keeps coming up I'm my mind...
But, I know that I probably just want an escape from the pain... I don't want to cause harm to the one I love most...not even accidentally... -
I currently don't have a therapist since I have to wait all the way until January, so things are a bit hard to manage, right now...
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I've been anxious about making mistakes, and my toxic perfectionism is tearing me apart...
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Crying is all i feel like doing, these days, but it's harder and harder to cry every day...
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Usually, the thoughts are just annoying and I don't agree with them, but I feel like I'm agreeing today...
I want to kill myself. I feel like a constant problem. If not for one person, always for another, and I can't seem to stop over-thinking things and this constant perfectionism is making my life hell. I just want to do the best and what I think the people I care about would want. I can't stop. I can't do everything exactly so, and I want to kill myself because I can't reach the standards I feel I should. I inflict self-punishment in various forms, knowing I shouldn't, and this inky makes it worse because I have a fight with myself for doing something like that which again is below the standards of the person I'm trying to be. The person I'm trying to be never wants to self-harm or long to take xir own life. But the person I am destroys xemself with scratching and tearing at xir own body; xe only messes up again and again and gets sick of over-thinking things. Every tiny mistake makes xem wonder if xe should've just died when xe had the chance... -
The perfectionist in me doesn't want to tell Brandan how I've been feeling because I don't want to worry him and make him sad again. But, I usually try to keep him updated with my feelings...
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Ever since I came here, I haven't been feeling too great. I mean, it's easy to see why, but, still...
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It's the same feeling I had before. It's longing mixed with shame. I long to end my life, but I'm ashamed to even know that I ever thought like that, knowing all the things I'll mess up in doing it and that I'd hurt Brandan most of all.
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