No Subjects
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 17, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: No Subjects
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Are you f---ing kidding me go jerk off in the bathroom I’m crying right now you dumb---
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It’s one thing to share a room with you but wearing you do it is just one second away from making me stop grasping at decent composure and completely breaking down.
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Holy s--- that’s it that’s when all this happened I got it be back soon I need to talk to someone.
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I relapsed.
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The worst part is that it helps but when I’m sober more s--- I forgot I had buried in the back of my mind came back and I don’t know what to do or how it all happened. I used my savings to go to a therapist and she said it’s because I was put on in a stressful situation recently but I don’t know what it was I was fine in October what the f--- happened on November 1st that I just started breaking down did it really take 21 years for me to stop functioning
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So now 7 sessions in I am running out of savings and she still doesn’t want to dig deeper because she’s afraid she’ll hurt me or cause more damage I’m literally drinking vodka in water bottles the lowest of the low I’ve ever done in my life and I have to sit at night remembering 11 year old me get the last bit of childhood sucked out of themselves because I had a f---ing pedophilic family member there’s nothing you can do that hurts more than the things I remember from my past
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And I know there are people that had a way worse upbringing than me and yeah I grew up in a big house and my parents had nice cars and I had everything I ever wanted while others also suffered abuse but had to live in dangerous neighborhoods and on top of that not have anything to their name so I get it I sound selfish I sound stupid but you don’t understand no amount of toys or clothing or electronics can make up for the emotional damage I have and just like I got every materialistic thing I wanted growing up you have to remember I got kicked out of the house when I was still a minor in high school because my parents didn’t accept me and I spent a good portion of my life living in a car and eating nothing but ramen and oranges and water I graduated senior year early so I could get into college so I could get a dorm and thanks to my scholarships I was able to afford it so yes the beginning portion of my life was not bad in any way shape or form but no one around me had an idea what went on behind closed doors or why I was never the one hosting sleep overs and how I only had friends over during the day because I was nervous to have them at night
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Drinking is pointless it just makes the memories go away for the time I’m drunk but then I fall asleep and remember nothing and wake up to a pounding headache and then night time rolls around and I’m a nervous wreck
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you apologise a lot for stuff you can't control. im not sure how your life went, filled with money and toys, but i know what its like to suffer and hurt. we all do, though on different levels. no one knows their pain better than them, but they're also the last person to see the damage it's done. i really do hope you're able to deal with your trauma, but just because you had it better than others doesn't mean you're at fault for it
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And this f---ing dumb--- has the nerve of saying oh you don’t trust me no the f--- I don’t I don’t trust anybody okay I have never acted the way I’m acting now and it’s because I’m falling apart from the inside the only time I’m acting fairly normal is when I’m at work and even there I have coworkers ask me what’s wrong and if everything is okay because something seems off about me and I’m like what really no dude I’m fine haha but I honestly I don’t know I just feel nothing
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And according to my sessions the feeling of feeling absolutely nothing is a way some people describe depression. Lack of motivation, seeing your days flash by and not caring and I genuinely don’t care. I don’t care about college anymore I just have to finish my semester exams that are coming soon and then from there figure out what to do next which is the stupidest thing I have ever said because i worked my ass off getting all my prerequisites done and then getting accepted into the thing that’s very specific that I wanted but now it doesn’t even matter I don’t care I don’t want to be an engineer I don’t want to be anything if I can’t live in peace inside of my own self without feeling like I need to cry myself to sleep I feel like 15 year old me depressed
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Thank you I hope so too i think I will continue to get help for as long as I can and skip out on the 2021 semester that’s coming up so I can find more money on top of the 2 jobs I already have and see if anything helps it. I am doing pretty well and like I said I started college a year before I was supposed to so Taking a semester off isn’t going to damage what I have in case I do go back especially because my gpa is good I don’t know I just hope I find what I need and that I stop feeling nothing and that I am okay but thank you I hope you’re doing well I have to go get ready for work I’ll talk to you guys probably after exams are over
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5:04 Am see you guys in a few weeks take care
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Stressed out.
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First of all I can’t f---ing help you get out of jail aren’t you a lawyer figure it out dumb---
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