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- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 17, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: No Subjects
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It’s for the best lol
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I only have $24 in my bank account I get paid in 2 days.
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$65 in my bank account
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So for the first time since sophomore year in high school I have depression. I haven’t mentioned it to my therapist because even though that’s literally her job I just can’t risk getting a prescription or at a mental health facility because I didn’t take the break I said I was going to take and instead went through with this semester as well
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But me the person who is obsessed with cleanliness and have everything color and size coordinated
Me who uses teeth whitening products and owns 5 different hair products to maintain heathy surfer waves
I genuinely don’t give a f--- it has been like this for 4 weeks now.
I haven’t shaved for one so I have a whisker signature greasy 12 year old boy joke of a mustache my hair is so greasy I’ve just worn a beanie to work for the past few weeks. I have a rat nest of a corner bed. It looks like the mattress you find at The f---ing trap house I used to go to my sophomore year In college
I’ve lost 5lbs because I don’t eat. I don’t get hungry. I don’t get sleepy. I just exist. -
And the worst part is i don’t care. I don’t care if a cute girl gave me her number or if someone is just flirting to get a discount. I don’t care that I only have $65 And my share of the rent is due In 9 days. I don’t care about having 2 years left of college. I don’t care if the senior passes his exam I’ll do your homework if you just leave me alone I don’t care if the teenagers bully each other in their chat I just exist to get that paycheck because I realized that when I put in all the effort it didn’t matter and me now doing minimal is still going to get me that minimum wage check worrying about pointless issues that’s the thing there is no point
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Because you worrying or not worrying will not change the outcome.
Do I get frustrated because I hate seeing my living space a mess? Yes. I hate it because I was the only one that cleaned the flat too so ever since I stopped picking up after everybody the house looks disgusting. I feel disgusting. I don’t smell because A) that’s gross and B) that’s a personal violation to others around you going through your day smelling like garbage willingly so even in my rock bottom I can still acknowledge that
That and I went through 5 years of painful braces and have snakebites so I’m scared of getting an infection or something plus bad breath is just ugh so I keep that oral care up too
But like I haven’t whitened my teeth, shaved, conditioned my hair do I get the waves instead of the broom stick hair
Why do you whiten you’re teeth so much Jae isn’t that bad for your enamel
It is but I’m a very heavy tea and cigarette consumer so if I don’t whiten them every three weeks with strips or whitening mouth wash or whitening toothpaste the staining starts to show and I can’t deal with that my smile is one of the few things people like about me I can’t let it go plus I liked smelling good
But now I don’t care f--- it -
It’s just a lack of motivation to do anything
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The most mind boggling thing is that now that I am not as like at the level I used to be with the groomed hair, and the cuffed pants and shirts, and the vans so my tattoos would show and you know my whole shabang
Now that I just show up to work in a Beenie, low man bun, hoodie, first pair of pants, and vans literally everything covered head to toe mask gloves
Suddenly the cute girls with the dyed hair and hello kitty necklaces and winged eyeliner want to talk to me? Like i look like I sleep in the trash can of the park DO BETTER -
I can’t believe that at my lowest that’s when I get the attention from them. But I genuinely don’t even care in the last 4 weeks 2 of them asked me for my number. I gave it to them but didn’t bother checking my messages to see if they contacted me because I’ve been ghosting everyone in my contacts since October 13 2020
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Wait did I tell you guys about how I actually liked a girl my age and not a woman twice my age
Her name was Ayala and i met her back in November before I gave up on myself we met at the skate park and she said she liked my eyes and that hazel was the prettiest eye color in her opinion and I was like ahhh because what the f--- not me actually liking another 21 year old
We exchanged numbers and we sort of kept talking and seeing each other at the park but not really because I had work
Then I don’t know what the f--- happened with my mental health it just tumbled onto me and I’m missing November-December from my memory. Anything I have here in posts is the only thing I have to account for that time I just remember not caring enough to talk to anyone
Then I checked my messages whenever the last time I posted here was and saw she was upset that I ghosted her and she told me to have a nice life and to go f--- myself for leading her on
Our conversations were actually deep like it would be good morning and good night texts and we would share stuff but I genuinely don’t know what happened to me that I suddenly stopped caring about everything and as a result messed up what was the start of a healthy relationship with them -
If I’m being honest with myself i think it was for the best that things ended there because I’m not stupid and I know I’m toxic and have no way of changing myself because my issues stem from mommy issues I hide behind to avoid taking responsibility for my s--- actions and blame my broken childhood for the stupid choices I make in life.
And that’s reason number 43 as to why I stay single because Lydia wasn’t the only big bad wolf of the story 2 years ago. I also sported toxic behavior in that relationship -
But three people who have friendships with me and have bpd say they think I have bpd too and that’s honestly even more worrisome to me than just being an immature emotionally stunted adult with mommy issues because then that would mean something else a totally different can of worms much deeper but I’m too scared to bring this up to my therapist because what if she gets mad that I’m getting diagnosed by a psych major and 2 graphic designers
Honestly I’m scared of my therapist lmao I feel like I will disappoint her if I do something wrong :/ -
By doing something wrong would be mentioning my poor eating and sleeping habits but that makes me wonder if I can’t tell my therapist everything then what’s the point of having her?
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I guess I just want to have someone in person listen to me rather than post on this website I’ve been stuck on since 2013 but was definitely a major part in my upbringing
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