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- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 17, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: No Subjects
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Who f---ing whips out their d--- like that I mean I’m not tough looking other than my skate hair but I have tattoos and piercings and dress like the stereotypical support cast stoner in movies this is so off putting
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I’m having a breakdown not because of them flashing but because that brought off memories I was repressing from when I was young I want to die.
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This situation made me realize I have no actual self identity and what I have going on is just composed of fragments of things I saw growing up and how I thought I would be the safest. Did I ever think I would have to run to my car because I was getting chased no. I can’t imagine what women and women that are transitioning go through.
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My mental health is now even lower than it used to be and I need to make more money so I can get away from here but I also font want to live with anybody but with my two jobs even in the area that I’m in now it’s barely enough to scrape by if you’re just one person and I keep saying that oh I don’t want to leave my brother behind but he has a mom I’m not his dad and it’s not my place to take the role of my dad when I’m literally just a huge mess that presents themselves as well put at the end of the day I’m just going to confuse them and most likely set a bad example because curling up in a ball and crying or hiding in your sheets and crying or laying in bed all morning on your days off isn’t a normal thing to be doing
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I feel empty. I learned that this feeling is not in fact emptiness but disassociation according to Lana.
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I’m not attention whoring or looking for reply backs I just need to rant so please ignore this but I genuinely can not deal with this anymore. I’m not going to kill myself or harm me because I can’t I have way too much going on that I can’t leave behind but I genuinely can’t deal with it anymore.
No matter how hard I try every once in a while but more frequently over the past few weeks flashbacks of stuff that happened to me when I was young come back. Stuff that I didn’t even remember because I was so young. I don’t care about sex or emotions and I feel it’s because I was exposed to it at such a young age that I genuinely can’t cope with it and it makes me uncomfortable and as a result destroys my ability to be in relationships with people because both genders absolutely destroyed the trust I had in people by doing what they did to me during different moments of my childhood. -
And I feel like if I didn’t go through what I went through growing up I would not be the way I am and maybe I also would be able to connect with people instead of feeling nothing every single day.
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I just want to know how to repress everything again and forget it ever happened because these memories are not something I like waking up to at odd hours of the night and I can’t be 18 year old me chugging alcohol to make them go away or 19 year old me doing prescription medication to make me feel some way other than this. I want help but I feel like even if I get it I won’t be able to erase these instances from my past and they will always be there.
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Tonight I also learned that for me crying doesn’t do anything other than make my eyes hurt but it doesn’t make it go away. I want to know what the f--- happened in the last 3 weeks that made my entire self identity tumble down and have this flood of memories creep in bit by bit.
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When I was dating Lydia I agreed to dating her even though I had no real feeling for them in the beginning because when I was with them I was safe from the living situation I was in and I knew that if something ever happen to me she would god I don’t even know but in my mind I saw her as safety and I could not leave her even if she stepped all over me because I knew that if I let her go I would be in danger again and I was right and I had to endure things once she was out of the picture because I was f---ed and I didn’t have any other option and then bam college parties happened and alcohol was introduced and then people and then came the couch surfing and the random people I didn’t care about but still hung out with because they made me feel safe despite being total strangers and then more alcohol and smoking then a chunk I can’t remember then me seeing Nathaniel then me realizing that this isn’t safe for me then me still taking my chances because at least I knew that being in a shared living situation was better than being homeless again then his substance abuse then me popping his medication because he didn’t use it anymore since he was too f---ed on cocaine then the breakdown episode I ranted about on here because he went feral after I threw away his coke safety stash because I realized we both needed help
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Then him hitting me and me not telling anybody but letting it slide me paying for rehab me continuing my regular life with dorm girl me not having any issues with her other than when I went to a party and she locked me out because I care in drunk and late then me realizing that I need to get my s--- together for real and just like I was on the ground with my vomit in my face because of the s--- I did with pills I also needed to get off alcohol and parties so I stopped party Life because of covid I did it but i still continued to drink and then the kicking out of dorms happened and I got with my first roommates I met cat girl she helped me stop drinking slowly then I don’t know I think something happed to Bernie I think it was the day he announced he dropped from the race when I drank way too much
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Me and the other mates carried the weight of the household while that b---- ass stupid ass mother f---er free loaded and made us all feel s---ty about ourselves then I got him a job then I don’t f---ing know because f--- him then two of us moved in with Nathaniel and my step mother because my dad left her then she told me she regretted destroying my parent’s relationship and I didn’t forgive her or really care anymore because I tried finding my mom and never could but like
All this happened and yet I didn’t have any memories that I’m having now something happened when October ended that completely destroyed whatever was holding these memories from me like obviously I knew fragments of them this isn’t f---ing bates motel you don’t have a magical person hiding s--- from you no like I knew some things had happened but I had never had so much of them happen and so vividly and it makes me scared because I know of one that I remember it was someone’s birthday and I was five i was wearing my hair down and I had on a grey thing on I don’t really remember I just remember telling my mom I was sleepy and then her taking me to a room and telling me it was okay to sleep there then I think someone came in and I dong know what happened next I just remember them saying it was okay and to go to sleep but something about it feels off I don’t know what happened I just faintly remember having red eyes and not talking to either of my parents on the ride back home and none of them bothered to ask me what had happened -
So in my mind maybe I fell off the bed maybe I threw a fit and I cried I don’t know but I know a person I didn’t know came into that room knowing I was in there and I have a feeling that if that memory comes back and it isn’t a fit or a stupid fight with someone at that party and it’s something else I won’t be able to hold myself together anymore and I dont know what I will do to make them not be there anymore.
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Who would have thought that because somebody called me the f slur and threatened to beat me up while flashing their member would cause me to absolutely break the f--- down and release a small portion of the emotional baggage I’ve been carrying around.
I don’t know who shuffled my deck of life cards but they really did f--- me over. At least I’m dealing with it moderately okay I have two jobs and graduated early and got into college early and am doing pretty okay in it despite all the side activities I dealt with. Mh living situation and location isn’t ideal but at least I am no longer living out of my car or crashing on couches. -
I think I have a shot of making myself a better person and starting a life that’s better for myself and say f--- you to those who did abuse me as a teen and a child. I don’t know how to fix my emotional issues and frankly I don’t want to. I don’t think I can change my views on having relationships with people on an intimate level at this point but at least I can do something productive with my career path. s--- I don’t know what the f--- I’m saying I’m trying my hardest to stay positive so I don’t relapse and start drinking again just go with it Jae.
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