Narcissus
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 5, '24 3:54am
Thread Topic: Narcissus
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A part of me wonders if this is retaliation. I tell her I need time to respond to her message and when I do finally respond I don't tell her what she wants to hear. Her response is vindictive at worst and blausee at best. It genuinely feels manufactured. I could be overanalyzing it. there's always a chance she's being genuine. There's also a chance she's trying to retaliate. I'll never truly know.
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And what triggers my inner child the most is knowing that I fear not having the perfect responses to someone, knowing that I worked overtime to try and have the right words, and then in the end I did the one thing I feared the most. I exasperated the issue and made them more mad at me. If I had just stayed silent like my other friend I could be safe. If I didn't feel obligated to reach out and try and help I could be the one who still had two friends.
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I fear so desperately being the one in the wrong. I have journalled every thing and every angle that I had room for blame in this situation. I wrote remedies and solutions and confronted parts of myself that made me sick to my stomach to admit.
And in spite of all of that I still feel like I need to honor the part of myself that was genuinely wronged. I need to validate the fact that she did things to me that I would never do to even my worst enemy. I know that I am not the only one to blame.
I also know that I'm not the one posting passive aggressive quotes all over social media. She intentionally embarrassed me in front of other friends because I said something she didn't like.
It would be wrong of me to neglect that fact for the sake of amnesty -
Mint, what is happening? Lmao
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Really what is so telling that I have to remind myself of is the fact that she hasn't taken any accountability. I completely understand how from her perspective she could genuinely arrive at the conclusion that we are the ones being bad friends. I don't doubt that she feels genuinely wronged by me. I also don't think I owe her an apology. My only sin was not matching her expectations for me.
I expressed my boundaries with her, she expressed that my boundaries were unacceptable and meant we didn't value her friendship.
That is abuse -
Oh hi. Nothing is happening. I'm just venting. I can't tell you what's happening because I don't really know yet. It's still unfolding around me. I am just dealing with a situation with a toxic friend and am struggling to validate that and accept that my seven year friendship with them may be over
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I'm struggling to figure out if you're making fun of this place or of you're making fun of them-
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person not place* or if you're actually venting*
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I can assure you I'm not making fun of them. This is my stream of consciousness. Thoughts that are not refined and lack crucial context. If I'm being honest I don't understand what would make you think I'm making fun of them but I am grateful for any outside perspectives you have.
Lisianthus the user is Me. This whole thread is me talking to myself -
I'm sorry if this all seems manic or perturbed. I have really begun to run myself ragged mentally. I feel close to comatose. I don't even understand how I've managed enough willpower to get as far as I have. I guess it's fueled by genuine care. I so desperately want to see my friend get the help I think they need. The core issue is that they either are refusing to get help or genuinely don't think they need it and I don't know what's worse. Their behavior isn't something I can manage by myself anymore though. I can't be their stand in therapist. They don't want a therapist. They want a cheer team. They want validation. They want emotional soothing.
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Lol I've reached a level of parody in my speech that even I can't take seriously. Far too dramatic. Nothing is really this serious. I definitely overreact to things and am a bit too melodramatic for my own liking. Probably best to just keep reflecting, keep things to myself, and keep busy with my hands. Rumination is pestilence.
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I made a prediction. I made a prediction that when she complained about me she wasn't going to complain about what I said, but how I said it.
My prediction was right.
She refused to confront what I said to her and instead tried to discredit me by saying she didn't like the tone I used.
She has never taken accountability for any of her actions. She has never apologized to me or shown me empathy. It's always her show and everything revolves around how it makes her feel -
Two days ago woke up and realized that I couldn't bend my back at all without pain and the range of motion in my arms was severely limited.
The pain immediately triggers anxiety and nausea and feels nerval/ spinal in nature. I have thoracto lumbar scoliosis on the side of my back that feels compressed. I do believe this pain is caused by my scoliosis but I've never had this experience before and am unsure where to go from here.
Ive already been in physical therapy for scoliosis so have a lot of stretches and exercises in my tool belt. I am mostly unable to do any of the exercises because the pain is so severe it makes me want to cry. am hesitant to see any medical providers because don't know what they could do for me.
Will this go away on its own? Is this just a pinched nerve? Should I see a chiropractor? Should get my curvature x-rayed again just in case? feel absolutely lost and just want some relief from the pain. -
Most likely, the cold weather is also a factor. So it might not go away any time soon. You may want to see a doctor so they can at least help you manage it, even if you already know what the problem is.
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Ty zero. I'm feeling a lot better currently but I completely relate to you. Winter is no fun
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