Narcissus
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 5, '24 3:54am
Thread Topic: Narcissus
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I have psychogenic tremors that have gotten really bad lately. They can be really scary when they happen while I'm driving and embarrassing when people point them out in public.
I'm trying to practice some Limbic retraining techniques with meditation and breathing exercises but it's hard when they seemingly come out of nowhere.
The best way to describe them is it's like when you're falling asleep and jolt awake right before you do. It's like that but it's the threat detection system in my mind and as soon as I start to relax it jolts me with tremors and adrenaline .
They are similar to tic attacks in the way that if I have one, I'm more likely to have another one shortly after and they can spiral into just constant shaking.
Sometimes the tremors feel like a coping mechanism to help me maintain control, and other times they just make me want to cry and I feel totally out of control.. -
I haven't tried any ssris for them because I don't think I have GAD and I don't feel like I experience a high enough level of impairment or distress over them. I might reconsider but for now I'm just trying to manage them with meditation
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Correction: I meant psychogenic movement disorder. I don't think they're tremors. It's more just sudden full body jolts and muscular contractions
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I've never been formally diagnosed. I developed them during COVID when I was under a lot of stress and worked out pretty succinctly that they were a direct response to stress and anxiety so I feel pretty confident calling them psychogenic in nature. I haven't talked to a doctor about it because I really don't think they can do anything for me and like I said, my level of impairment isn't so high that it warrants psychiatric intervention.
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Feeling overwhelmingly nauseous from this all.
She officially ended the friendship yesterday
I still consider her a friend. Id still work through it if I could.
Part of me is relieved because I was so tired of the sick cycle of her constantly holding our friendship over my head like it was something I had to fight to keep.
It was so toxic. She is so toxic.
Constantly making us vie for her affection
Constantly spiralling every time we do something she could choose perceive as uncaring.
Constantly being her emotional wingmen, there to soothe her any time she got anxious or worried.
So incredibly toxic. And in the end I'm the bad guy. Because that's the game right? She can't end the friendship unless she can paint me as being the bad friend. But what kind of good friend holds their care for you over your head constantly? -
Literally my other friend and I treated her the exact same way. The only reason she's still friends with her and not me is because my other friend is still holding on and playing the emotional soothing game. I didn't. I didn't respond to the toxic messages. I didn't tell her the words she wanted to hear from me.
I don't blame my other friend. If I had the choice to id probably still play the game too. I've just done too much growing. It felt disrespectful to myself to keep being her emotional babysitter.
I know that's really mean to say.
I could say something meaner though
I'm glad her boyfriend broke up with her.
I was sick of watching her abuse him. I was sick of her back ended comments about him every time he wasn't around. Like he was a punching bag for her. And then as soon as they were together she was falling all over him asking him to validate all her insecurities.
Id say I don't know how he did it for so long but I did it for almost a decade with her. -
She's so selfish too. When my now fiance moves into the area she knew I really liked him and that didn't stop her from inserting herself between me and him any chance she got.
If he has given her the attention she wanted she absolutely would've had a fling with him with absolutely zero regard for me.
I know she would've because she did it literally like three months before. I got asked to third wheel on a date she orchestrated with the guy I told her I liked.
Honestly it was almost like she didn't really care about guys unless she knew someone else was interested.
She even started dating her now ex when another girl she was friends with was in the picture and also interested in him.
Maybe she just likes to feel chosen? I'm sure that's what it is but it's still so sick -
And the way she made me feel so chosen and special to be in her life when we became friends? She saw I was new in school and always talked about how she thought I was so cool and mysterious when she met me. Jee it gives me the ick to think about. She did so much love bombing early in the relationship. Everything was highs and lows. I was so emotionally unstable back then. It was such a perfect recipe for codependency.
I had so much fun. I genuinely loved her and our memories. I was genuinely her friend and cared about her so much.
I don't understand how you just discard such a close friendship like that? Like literally less than two months ago we were so close and talking every day and then I stop messaging for a couple of weeks to catch my breath and she blows up on be for being a bad friend who never cared? -
Me listening to I will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie as a 14 year old:
Wow this song is great! So pretty!
Me listening to it as a 22 year old with my fiance post-deconstruction:
This song has destroyed my body and soul and I will never experience anything more moving than this in my entire life.
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