Narcissus
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 5, '24 3:54am
Thread Topic: Narcissus
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Not a new user. Just wanted a little place to vent because somehow this site is less restricted than reddit. I'm tired of my posts being removed on reddit by mods for the silliest reasons.
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The other day I gave a summation of things my dad did to me as a child written from his POV to chat GPT to condense it a little. ChatGPT refused because the content in it went against their guidelines and I instead got chatGPT telling me that was child abuse.
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I never thought I'd be so validated by an AI generated text
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Also learning that I have emotional hypervigilance in my relationships because of my childhood. The air in the house always felt like a held breath. I was always having to anticipate anything that might set him over the edge and I don't know that I ever let my childhood self grieve for the feeling of my heart in my stomach when I realized that I had left some papers or a cup on the table and my dad had seen it.
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I struggle to validate my own experiences as a child because I have this sickening albatross of "it wasn't that bad" around my neck. So much of my tendency to exaggerate comes from people minimizing any and every emotion I expressed as a child.
My dad doesn't let me speak. He is a constant source of restriction in my life. I feel the bond of blood between us and It feels like if he could he'd suck me into his very being. I never considered it before but knowing how much of parenthood is narcissism -
I sent that too early. .
What I meant to say is knowing the house of glass my dad constructed around his childhood, I could understand the feeling of finally becoming a parent and shifting so much of the weight of your existence onto that child.
I was the oldest child.
Only daughter
So much of his own insecurities were woven into me as a child by design. In a way I think my dad genuinely thought of me as an empty vessel for him to fill.
Fill with propaganda and your own home brew of copeium.
The child cannot talk back. Cannot express any authentic version of themselves that doesn't confirm to the way you want.
Narcissist.
It was less than a year ago that I first held up that word in comparison to my dad. I think at first I thought it didn't fit but now I think I was just holding the puzzle pieces the wrong way before. It always fit I just couldn't see it. -
Narcissus. I didn't consciously think of why I chose to name this thread that until just now.
narcissus
noun
nar·cis·sus när-si-ss
1
capitalized : a beautiful youth in Greek mythology who pines away for love of his own reflection and is then turned into the narcissus flower
2
pluralnarcissi när-si-sī -()sē or narcissuses or narcissus : DAFFODIL
especially : one whose flowers have a short corona and are usually borne separately -
It was hard to accept that there was anything wrong with my childhood. I smiled as a kid. My dad was abusive. My dad was a good person.
Both of those sentences can exist. -
My mom is a victim. Is my dad a predator? Is everything that extreme or can this exist as a spectrum?
Am I a victim too? Do I gravitate towards narcissists in my own life? I think my best friend and girlfriend might be narcissists. -
Today I feel vulnerable. every projection of myself is in error.
I am filled with regret. A cake made of regret, longing, and sorrow.
I am disparate. -
Hello
This is my cringe thread.
In going to own it lol.
Realizing that my dad is a narcissist made me realize my friend is also a narcissist. So now I get to call my other friend tonight and have that fun conversation.
Finally getting to the point where I'm done being other people's emotional punching bags.
This is a PSA to everyone that narcissism is a spectrum and not every narcissist is a spiritless CEO. some of them are the warmest people you know who just have a knack for blame shifting and making you feel like you're walking on eggshells around them. -
Maybe I'm just naive but I genuinely believed that most people were introspective. I thought most people were self aware. At least enough.
I think that may be my greatest delusion. Maybe it is most. Maybe it isn't. Either way I can't help but think that charity may be my greatest weakness.
A cliche that comes to mind is Paramore's "for an pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic." -
I thought I reached a break through. Now I just feel broken. Another cliche.
I don't know what's real anymore. Nothing I have attempted has gotten through to them. I thought I was really getting somewhere -
How is it that the more I look for answers the less I'm able to find? I tried RRD, I tried shared problem solving. I am exhausting all of my emotional energy trying to salvage whatever I can and I come better equip to these situations than most.
This thread is locked, therefore no new posts can be made.
