sometimes
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 16, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: sometimes
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sometimes my mind really is a mess.
I wrote this months ago, and I haven’t changed my feelings on it.
Why is it so hard to find happiness? To find value in life? In myself? I really just don’t understand it. Life is so s---ty and it overall just sucks. I feel trapped. Like I’m trying to continue forward down a path that leads nowhere. An endless straight line. It’s hard to find love when you don’t love yourself. It’s hard to be proud of yourself when you hate yourself. It’s just hard.
People can say what they want, but it doesn’t change how I feel about or how I view myself. It’s hard to even take people seriously when they try to cheer me up. When they complement me. Do they even mean it? Or am I just some stupid pity party that people feel sorry for?
Says a lot about what I’m saying right now. I’m not asking for pity, I don’t want it.
I just want to be happy.
I want to be happy with myself
I want to not hate myself.
But it’s hard not to. What’s so special about me? What do I have that no one else does?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I’m not anything or anybody special. I’m not unique in any way. Nothing.
I’m one speck out of 7 billion.
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all I see when I look in the mirror is a stranger.
a phony. a fraud. a loser. a shell of what I used to be -
it’s weird how you can feel like you don’t want to live anymore, yet like you don’t want to die as well.
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I really feel like giving up
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Hey, is everything okay?
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No it isn’t.
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I updated my feeling post. Here’s everything.
Why is it so hard to find happiness? To find value in life? In myself? I really just don’t understand it. Life is so s---ty and it overall just sucks. I feel trapped. Like I’m trying to continue forward down a path that leads nowhere. An endless straight line. It’s hard to find love when you don’t love yourself. It’s hard to be proud of yourself when you hate yourself. It’s just hard.
I’m living a purposeless life.
All I see when I look at myself in the mirror is a phony. A fraud. A loser. A disappointment. A quitter. A let down. A shell of what I used to be. All I see is a stranger. And quite frankly? I can’t stand. The sight of myself, whoever “myself” actually is.
People can say what they want, but it doesn’t change how I feel about or how I view myself. It’s hard to even take people seriously when they try to cheer me up. When they complement me. Do they even mean it? Or am I just some stupid pity party that people feel sorry for?
Says a lot about what I’m saying right now. I’m not asking for pity, I don’t want it.
I just want to be happy.
I want to be happy with myself
I want to not hate myself.
But it’s hard not to. What’s so special about me? What do I have that no one else does?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I’m not anything or anybody special. I’m not unique in any way. Nothing.
I’m one speck out of 7 billion.
If something were to happen to me tomorrow, if I were to die, or disappear or something were to happen to me, and I wouldn’t be here…
No one outside of my family would even care… or even notice.
Because the truth is? The only time people want anything to do with me, is when they need something, other than that? Forget it. They don’t care. No one ever reaches out to text me first, it’s always me to make the first effort. If I were to stop reaching out, no one would bother, let alone even think for a fraction of a second for reaching out to me. No one cares.
I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being a disappointment. a letdown. a loser. I’m tired of being used by the people around me. I’m tired of living. I’m just tired.
The funniest, craziest thing of all of this? I don’t want to kill myself, yet I don’t want to be alive most days.
So here I am. Wasting time. Writing this down in some effort to try to feel better, hoping something will change. Hoping that someone will say. “I’m here.” And actually mean it. -
I’m not suicidal, I’m just hurting and tired of it.
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:/
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today was surprisingly ok.
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Lol, I f---ing jinxed it
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:/
Talked to a friend yesterday. made me feel a bit better, but still struggling overall. -
I'm happy to hear you're doing a lil' better :D
I'm here if you ever want to talk 💛 -
Past couple of days went ok. Today wasn’t good. Feel like I’ve been having bad days more often than not.
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I feel….
Like giving up some days. Not doing anything to myself, but just giving up. -
Hollow
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