the hole that seems bottomless
- Locked due to inactivity on Dec 19, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: the hole that seems bottomless
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i keep checking expecting a response. god im f---ing stupid
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im starting to blame myself less. thats good, right?
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nevermind, back to it
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why do i miss her so much? it should be over but here i am still thinking about when we were happy. or maybe i was. i dont know. i dont know what was even real anymore, i cant blame someone for chabging their feelings but i can blame them for giving up on something. thick and thin. sickness and health. i told you how bad i could get mentally but you said its fine and youd be there to support me. that youd never leave because i was too depressed or cause you lost feelings for me. maybe im placing too much on you. being depressed isnt an excuse to just close out. i told you that my depression was worse lately and that it made me irritable. i was never mad at you and i get feeling like i was, i acted like an a--hole. i always told you what was up because i didnt want you thinking it was your fault. though i guess now its just my fault. maybe im just bas at missing these flags. apparently there was a ton of red flags with her that i missed and i understand that, but with you it was more flags that you were losing interest. maybe i couldve revived it, maybe i couldve stopped you from ever losing interest to begin with. looking back, it upsets me that we so many good and bad times, all the dates we went on and little photo shoots we took. all down the drain because of these past few months. or maybe it goes deeper than that and im just stupid. it wouldnt be the first time i misread. i just want to stop f---ing thinking about you so much when i know youre not thinking about me. you even told me that you didnt love me but couldnt do it anywhere but a public forum site. im so pissed at you but i just want you to come back. i know its never going to be the same and obviously we're not gonna get back together but i like to dream. i like to imagine that somewhere in the multiverse you still have love for me.
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going through and removing the playlists you made for me. "I'll love you for eternity" is the subtitle for one of them. ironic.
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its like 2 different people. its on me for not noticing sooner, but i shouldnt let my guard down again. i thought it was gonna be different, that we were gonna last. but you probably dont give a s--- about how im doing, and i guess i cant blame you. its your own life now, free of me and all my bulls---. i hope its a load off, or some extra time. at least you get a day a week to yourself. idk, im trying to forget everything about you. the little things i miss, your info, pretty much anything i learned during the relationship. i doubt im going to forget your warmth, though. i always missed it when we were together and now im never going to feel it again. i just hope youre happy now, without me.
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ive tried everything i can think of, but my mind just keeps coming back to her. i wish i had some closure at least. some shine of a lantern in this f---in abyss i was left in. throw me a match, something. but then im scared itll start a fire, one i cant put out. maybe other people would throw alcohol at me so itd spread quicker. i dont know. i just dont want to be here anymore
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i dont know who, if anyone, would want to hear this but i need to say it. i broke my streak but it was just scratches. i want to do more than that i want to do so much more but i cant
if ive learned anything its that there are ppl who actually care about me. people willing to sit and listen to me ramble on and sometimes cry for hours. so it doesnt feel as forced but it feels wider. like id upset more people if i did. i mean at least everyone would be free of me. all i do is just mope around and make ppls lives worse -
"youd rather end it than have one uncomfortable conversation? its nice to know how much our friendship meant to you"
felt you monse -
i feel like im not allowed to be happy, like i get happy for a second but stop because i just remember her
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now im definitely gonna have to bring my shades. i dont want to risk it, so ill just hide it.
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unhygenic
now we shower and brush our teeth -
i might be clean but i feel like throwing up and crying
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*hugs* Hey, how are you holding up? I hope you feel better soon 💛
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hey, im alright. i guess. thank you though <3
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