yo
- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 16, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: yo
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wait ok so
heart - relationships
mind - school
soul - music
body - exercise
spirit - work
eh not great but ig that works? why do i always have to create systems for everything lol they don't even work -
also i really need to start thinking of myself in third person again, because i'm great at solving other people's problems but never my own. so if i just think of myself as another person then BAM
also i need to get the flip out of the past
it's not helping me to just keep dwelling on it and staying bitter and blaming everyone. it's been two whole years since the last big blow and i need to get over myself. i'm not a child anymore so i shouldn't be acting like one -
*sigh* wait no that system doesn't work, i have more things going on than that
ugh maybe i need to work on this offsite, i'm gonna have to leave again anyway -
when i don't have structure i fall apart
when i do have structure i fall apart
how do i not fall apart then??? -
i lost all my stability. that's really what happened 2 years ago. i had a bunch of pillars that were keeping me stable, and five of them got smashed in the span of one month
so how do i regain that? i shouldn't just try to return to the status quo because if it was that unstable before, it's not gonna get better. even i'm smart enough to realize that -
and it's not covid. i can blame covid all i want but honestly 2020 was one of the best years of my life. 2019 was the awful year, and everything was "fine" then
but usually a bad year follows a good year for me. that's how it works. idk why but odd-numbered years are usually bad and even-numbered years are usually good
and yee guess what it's an odd-numbered year -
but in 2020 i lost one of my last pillars, and one of the main ones. i still kind of have it through my job but it's just not the same. but i can't keep moping about that. i gotta move on.
i used to listen to music a lot more. i used to be more obsessed with movies. i used to scream and yell and dance and be bubbly. but now i'm just empty. so what changed? -
sorry, I feel really bad just ranting on here
I know that it's allowed but it feels so tacky to be like "here's where i'm gonna whine about life and yeah you can just deal with it"
so I'm sorry
I'm really trying to work on myself but ughhh i just suck so much -
I don't get it. I don't get why no one hates me like I do. Well I mean...... that one person but they're a jerk so they don't really count...
But everyone else.. I think they genuinely like me. I'm sure I'm annoying as heck sometimes but people are always shocked when I start beating myself up. maybe they're just being nice, but idk... it'll be a longgg time before i can fully trust anyone again -
but they also like the version of me that I let them see. there's a reason i came back here. there's a reason i'm being anonymous. because i can't be the real me or then they definitely would hate me. Whenever they get glimpses they freak out.
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*sigh* well i kinda need to go
I have so much to get done and idk what I can handle
also all the negative energy is not helping. but i gotta just get over it. maybe if i allowed myself to get more angry and let that frustration out more? that might help. bottling it up doesn't help. i'm gonna explode eventually. that's kind of what helped when I used to be on here, and that's why I came back. Ranting was sooo good for me, and I somehow stopped. Idk if I forced myself or if I just forgot to keep it up, but I absolutely have to stay on top of my emotions. And by that I mean expressing them. I can't just try to suppress them until I blow up. It's a good temporary solution, but it's much more mature to deal with them. And I should still probably deal with them privately. There's a fewww people I can talk to but I don't want to give them too much. They've got their own struggles too. So I really really need to work on journaling and ranting and venting about everything. It shouldn't all just be a fix-myself mentality. Sometimes I really just need to unload everything and accept that there is no easy solution -
I'm really sorry if I'm being annoying to you people. I'm hiding everything from recent posts but I hope it's not driving y'all crazy for this thread to keep bouncing to the top. That's probably just the social anxiety though. I'm constantly worried about that kind of stuff, and I need to stop because it sounds like i'm just fishing for compliments and I'm really not
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so i need to work on school definitely. at least start drafting my paper. maybe sit down for like an hour at a time and then go do something else for a while. i should get at least 3 hours in but hopefully more like 4, maybe 5. it's already kinda late so 6 probably isn't feasible but maybe i could try
also i need to get back to K and N and W, also J and L. and i need to do that monday thing. and maybe get back to a few others if i can. but knowing me i probably won't. that's okay tho
and maybe??? i should practice. probably depends how much i get nagged. i don't feel like it but ehh it might be good
and i've got to work on "work" stuff even though it's technically not for work. i've fallen behind and i needdd to make the deadline.
i should probably also work on my worksheet thingy too because it's friday and yikes
and maybe spend some time outside, idk what i can handle atm but maybe just a lil something
and definitely journal. i gotta stay consistent on that
*sigh* ok welp i should go then
thanks for.. existing?? 😂 I'm not even talking to anyone but fsr it really really helps to be talking to myself here
so bai -
hi
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welp i'm still a piece of trash today *sigh*
I created a playlist which was good ig, and I found some new music, but that's literally all I did
who even knows if i'll listen to the dang playlist anyway
ugh idek what my problem is
and now my eyes hurt from staring at a screen all day so i don't feel like doing anything
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