No Subject
- Locked due to inactivity on Sep 24, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: No Subject
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And no I’m not going to off myself I can’t now I have to take care of this child. I just have had difficulty dealing with my mental illness recently.
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It sounds kind of cringe to type out loud.
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But the reason why I was addicted to alcohol in the first place was because when I was on a substance it did not matter which one or what I actually think I felt like what I think everyone else feels like? I don’t know how to describe it but I felt something and not just emptiness.
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I know it’s bad to blame others for the way you turn out because there were now adults who were probably experiencing what I did but three times worse and they became world known doctors and nurses and people that make a difference but I just want to know how do they cope
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Because if I could cope with my mental health then yeah I would also be the great person I portray myself to be to all and not actually the ball of nerves I present myself as on here.
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Because I am able to comprehend my major I just
I’m not the happy to help hey I am jae nice to meet you you’re really cool my favorite band is this -
Like I morph myself into the person I am talking to so they like and want to be around me for everything I don’t think that’s normal but that’s what I do
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I think the only time I am actually myself is on here and at the skate park.
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If the fda said they were testing a treatment that helped erase the memory of people I would be the test subject for that thing for free. The only reason I can’t improve on myself is because I am not able to if 20 minutes later a flashback of something I don’t want to remember that was extremely traumatic is going to slap me in the face.
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I don’t think it’s normal for memories to be playing back to me so often and as often as they are now either. And there’s no way of stopping them. It has gotten to the point that I’ll be asleep and look In the mirror of my childhood room and I’m a kid again and it all repeats.
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Like can they possibly be happening as often because I fried my brain with the amount of things I was on or did the stress of a sibling amplify it because now I have to guard them like a dog to make sure nothing like that ever happens to them
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And I’m not saying oh that’s all that happened to me wah wah I was only used for that no but it did happen for a long time and I never told anyone because the one time I did tell them about that person they didn’t get any consequences and all I got was shamed by my family
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Like obviously there was a normal aspect to my childhood but those 4 events are for some reason all my brain lets me remember.
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I want to go die now because thinking of them gets worse whenever I acknowledge them why were these not so rampant before I don’t understand why they’re so in my face now
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I need $5,000 to clear all things. Then I can leave.
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