No Subject
- Locked due to inactivity on Sep 24, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: No Subject
-
I am going to go to bed early today for the first time in months.
-
Secured the job, I got hired on the spot no interview needed, I am now a Vans Employee
-
I’m so sleepy
-
It’s Thursday but my mental health is not doing so good and I don’t know who to tell because everyone I’ve told thinks I’m joking because in my everyday life I am the joker of the group
-
I’m not going to kill myself don’t ban me I still need to graduate, but my mental health isn’t doing so hot right now and I don’t know what to do to fix it
-
I even went back to my prescription but it’s still not working. Given, my memories have settled down but instead of feeling nothing like before I feel sleepy and sad or angry
-
Which yeah I did ask to feel something instead of just white noise static but this isn’t what I meant I meant something close to calming or joy or happiness not like I’m playing hot potato with a plastic tub full of scorpions and spiders
-
Dunking my head into water doesn’t work anymore I did that last night for two whole minutes the longest I’ve submerged myself in 3 years of doing this every day and I still didn’t feel any calmer
-
Could it be that it’s because I am no longer in control of the house cleaning and it’s not 100% spotless that I am anxious because the bathroom is always spotless, I lock myself in there and clean every single swuare inch with a toothbrush and regular brush each night to make sure that it’s spotless for when I go cry in there
-
The only mental illnesses I have ever been diagnosed with were depression and OCD that’s it nothing else and for a while when I was younger I was told it was adhd but then they completed their tests and found out it was OCD. So I was on A for a while even in high school
-
So no it’s not adhd it’s not autism it’s not dyslexia it’s not ptsd it’s not add it’s just OCD
-
But that was done so long ago I don’t know if it’s still accurate like I said and I don’t think that’s responsible for me being a mess
-
I don’t think that can disappear though but I don’t care about it I think that me cleaning the bathroom so much is because I know I have a habit of crying on the bathroom floor in wet clothing as a way of coping not because it bothered me well it does bother me because there are bacteria on the ground from when you go use the toilet and if I just came out of the tub with drenched clothing if I lay down it will be gross but I don’t know
-
I’m not going to make this my flex or my entire personality I have kept it hidden from everything and everyone for 4 years I’m not about to make it my main thing the thought of others seeing me as someone with mental illness and not as the friend they call to cry to about their own issues is terrifying to me
-
To everyone else I will be the friend that’s always happy and ready to party that makes jokes about killing themselves I will never be the friend that is actually depressed. No one will ever know. Im so dramatic Jesus this is cringe but no unless they get ahold of my journal I keep
This thread is locked, therefore no new posts can be made.
