Some just please tell me I'm a failure..
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:17pm
Thread Topic: Some just please tell me I'm a failure..
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I've had it. I've had it with life, God, if you've been waiting to see when I'll break, here you go. I'm breaking to itty, bitty little pieces.
I can't catch up with anything anymore, I'm failing. Everyone is passing algebra and I'm not. I've got 77% and there is no way I can get that to 80% in three weeks. Look, some of the 7th graders have As! And I have a C.. A C you guys.. I don't care how well I did on that periodic assessment, I don't care if that score was f---ing amazing, it doesn't matter. I'm just a dumb--- as it is and I will never pass algebra in a million years. I'm letting down my uncle and I love him dearly and it means everything to me if he thinks I'm so smart. He spends the most time with me because he can talk to me and I'll listen, but he'll be so disappointed if I fail.
And my mental breakdowns.. I can't get a single day without crying. I've been strong for too long. I can't take the torture of the memories, I can't take the voice, I can't take the humiliation, and I can't take the loss. I just can't take this anymore, guys. I wear myself out with my tears, I cry to sleep so many nights.. Ad it does nothing. Crying did nothing but make me weaker. Listen, when I was a bit younger, I always told myself that I would work on healing by myself. But now you should all know that Jon was my shoulder to constantly cry on, and without him I have basically nothing to support me. I've gotten weaker because of how stupid I am..
I hate the way I look because it ridicules me. Why can't I have a slimmer athletic body, why can't I have those pretty, happy eyes? No, I have to be the f---ing fat and ugly one with the angry eyes. My hair is not shiny like theirs, nor is it silky. Mine is rough and out of control, a bit greasy too. No, God decided to not make me like that. I have to be the ugly one, the one that gets made fun of for many reasons other than that.
I can't help but hate how everyone makes fun of me. I'm the dumb---, the slow one, the wetback.. And most hurtful, the b----. I can't help it. I really, really can't. I've dealt with this for so many years, and in Mexico it was only one or two kids. No, here it is the entire grade that hates me because of one simple fact; Because I am not like them. I don't like their music, I'm not from their home country, I can't speak the same, I get all the attention from the teachers, and because I correct people here and there. So I'm not fit for society, send me off to Mars because there is nothing there to judge me, so I'll pretty much be able to fit in.
I'm failing so much at home, I'm ruining the dreams my mom had for me. She came with me here to America because she thought I'd be very gifted in many subjects if only we could come here and train myself. No. I'm not gifted in music, I can play instruments but never in the world could I compose music. I can't paint or draw. I'm not at all smart. I have no special talents whatsoever, if breaking into little pieces doesn't count as one. And I can't seem to be able to keep the marriage of my mom and dad together, they just keep getting further and further apart from each other.. I don't want to spend the rest of my years at home without a father. He doesn't even live with my mom anymore. I don't want him to leave for good.
I realize now that I'm just a pathetic mistake for a being, that I could have been so much more if only I weren't the same person.. And now, it's not the fault of anyone but me. I'm the stupid one, I'm the dumb---, I can't do anything right. I can't even keep my damn emotions in check anymore.
I just want the misery to be rid of, I can't take this anymore.. I want it to be over.. -
Alice, that's not true. Not one bit true. You're only almost 13, and you don't deserve all that s--- and pressure put on you.
First off, I have enormous trouble with math. And I took Algebra in 9th grade. You're taking it way before me! That in itself makes me proud of you as hell. I'd be lucky if I could have gotten 70% at your age. It's completely normal to have struggles in a subject, it just takes time and practice. If you have any trouble perhaps ask the teacher if they could go over it with you again. And hey, why can't your uncle help? If he expects so much of you he shouldn't expect you to do it alone. >->
I know exactly how you feel about 'mental breakdowns'. I don't know if I talked about it much on here, except with Slim, but I was breaking inside when I lived in Hawaii. I swear I was crying on the stairs pretty much everyday. Bawling, until my lungs hurt from sobbing. I felt so alone, what with not fitting in at school, on the island, the heat always bothering me, that I kept gaining weight because I was depressed. I remember one day I was crying and asking my parents if I could just go to Georgia and live with my brother until things calmed down. Of course I couldn't, and the crying wouldn't stop. So I cried until I couldn't do it anymore.
I was pretty much a shut in as well, I didn't want to go outside, out in the heat and pollution, out where I felt like I didn't belong and I was the fat white girl. I was terrified, and so anxious. The schools there were terrible so I started homeschooling again, though that was a disaster as well. I couldn't focus, and I know that when you're not getting much direction with schoolwork it becomes twice as hard. The deadlines, I literally had to ask my brother's girlfriend who was studying to become a nurse help on math. And even then she didn't get it all.
(Sorry if I'm writing a lot, I'm kind of giving some background)
You know, I don't say this because you're one of my best friends, because I honestly believe you're beautiful. I love your dark eyes and hair, and there's just something about you that's so special. God made you special, he wanted there to be an Alicia just like you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Society is a retarded b---- if they're trying to make everyone think bright blonde hair and fake boobs are pretty. It disgusts me. Everyone, of every race and background, is beautiful in their own way. Honestly, I believe your classmates are jealous that you are very smart, and that you're different. Maybe it's bothering them that a foreigner and a non-native to the English language can beat them. You honestly impress me.
I wish I could take the pain away from you, because I know how much it sucks. Please know you're never alone and that you're not a freak or anything of that sort. It's not fair and it's not right, but things will even out in time.
You'll find your talent in time. Most people don't know for sure at 12/13. I used to want to be a veterinarian, but that definitely changed. You are art talented by the way, I love your art. You're much better than I was when I was starting out and when I was your age. You can do anything you put your mind to, and I support you 110 percent of the way. You are smart, beautiful, and talented. I know that to be true.
More story where I can relate a lot. When my dad came back from Iraq back in like...2006 I think, he was changed. Very changed, and my parents' marriage took a huge hit. It was the first time I saw my dad crying on the floor, and using beer to self soothe. They were fighting everyday and I remember crying and being extremely scared. I remember trying to do whatever I could to help them. But your parents' marriage is not your responsibility. And it's not your fault. Even if they're fighting over something that you may have been involved in, it's up to them to choose how to react. I was worried my parents would get divorced it was so bad. But somehow, things started to cool down. My dad was going from war to home to war to home and it was damaging. That was when things with him were never the same. He's definitely gotten help, and he's not angry or yelling anymore, but I can tell things still bother him. He's wounded, inside, and I hate it.
I pray that your family just becomes closer during times of hardship. I want you to have a happy and peaceful time. And I sincerely wish I could go there and comfort you with hugs and care. But know that you're extremely special to me and I want the best for you. You're not worthless, or a b----, or a pathetic mistake. You're different, and unlike most people, and have an extraordinary potential and purpose. I love you, my amiga. *huggles* ;~; -
vegekaka, you aren't worthless or stupid, I know you will find your own special talent someday, but please just dont give up, you should probably listen to born this way from lady gaga, and try to find the lyrics, I bet you would be surprised
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No one likes that song dragon. >.> It's too over played.
Arisu, you are still a strong bean to me and the rest if us on here. Don't let those a--holes put you down because they don't know shut about you and what you have been through. Math is a tough subject, I see people struggle with it all the time. I'm taking Algebra so if you need help, just ask.
Beauty is not a label. It is based on ones opinion. All my friends say I'm pretty but if I were to walk up to a boy and ask, they would say differently. Because they're opinion of beauty is different. (most likely big breasts and popular -.-)
Your parents should stop being selfish and think about you. They can wait 5+ years. :P
My dad says the only reason he's still here, or even alive, is because of me. He left to stay at grandma's for a bit ove and that was years ago. But he came back for me. And probably Matt because he was young at the time.
All in all, keep doing. Not trying.
There is 'Do' and 'Do not'. There is no 'Try'. -
I am just freaking trying to help, why do you always put me down moyashi, I have a life too, just, dont go pushing me around and telling me not to do that or telling me that what I put on isn't good enough, I might just even stop trying to help if thats all that I get, I bet you wont take this seriously ... why
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I'm pretty sure a song like that isn't going to help her very much. If anything she needs music with real meaning.
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look i see where youre coming from fo r part it. im in 8th grade and im in honors so im doing 9th grade math, and its hard, really hard. id been good at math for ever pretty much but this year is differnet. its harder no matter how much i try, i keep failing or barly passing quizzes.
and what you said about all that pressure and i feel it too. everyone expects me to be perfect all the time and everything expects me to always be happy. but when im not everyone is thinks something wrong and they want to comfort me but i dont like to be comfertated by people it makes me more made.
and the mental breakdowns. yeah i have those too. i feel like my head is going to explode some times. and my mind is going 1,000,000miles per hour and i cant take it all in that quickly so i make it slow down but when it slows down i cant think about/do everything i want to so i make it go 1million m.p.h again and it just keeps going on like that.
and yeah im letting my parents down too. they want so much for me but i cant do it anymore. and its not the same way you re letting ur parents down, ive always livved here so im not new and at school people i dont like me and i dont like i stay away from. i just stick with my friends.
and i never seen what you look like before but if youre from mexico then you must be gorgues :) im sorry youre having a hard time but illl be here for you if you need me -
Oh come on guys, shut the f--- up. Who cares what the song is. And no one is putting anyone down here, or at least they shouldn't be.
When I took Algebra in 8th Grade, I had a 69% most of the year, until I worked harder and I eventually had an 80% at the end.
(I'm in Geometry Honors now and have a 74%. That's going upward too. If I can do it, so can you.)
And the stinking beauty thing is bulls---. As I at times say, "I'd rather be an ugly f--- than a fake s---."
To everything else...all of the people who said that can lick raptor balls and get eaten by said raptor. They really can, and I'm not kidding. -
Beauty is ones opinion. That's all it's ever been. -.-
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Basically, and most people's opinion is okay is they would quit making it such a big deal thing.
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As far as I'm concerned Alice, you're actually a very bright individual, in terms of school grades, no one really cares about that, you have the kind of smarts that can be applied to real life that most of your generation doesn't have, that makes you amazing in your own little way. I myself don't get any highre than 75 most of the time, I don't let that bring me down because I know it's not the only thing in life. (i'm behind too, I'm taking three months to do something that would have been done in a week..) Spend some more time with your teachers, that'd help a lot. Believe me.
We can be your shoulder to cry on, we're always here willing to help, and if not, you could always contact Jon somehow perhaps?
I hate the way I look because it ridicules me. Why can't I have a slimmer athletic body, why can't I have those pretty, happy eyes? No, I have to be the f---ing fat and ugly one with the angry eyes. Mo is right, beauty is only one's opinion, I've SEEN how you look Alice, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. STOP DOUBTING IT. Confidence is the sexiest thing about a girl, embrace your flaws, they make you a part of who you are, they make you unique, and they're what make you beautiful, the society's standard for beauty is bulls---, if you think about it, they want girls to be:
Fake=plastered with makeup, dyed hair
Anorexic= SIZE DOUBLE 0S BABY, LUK AT MAI RIBZ AREN'T DEY SO SEXY DESU?
ridiculous boobage= WE'RE MADE OF PLASTIC, SO FANTASTIC!--*SHOT* FAKE AND GAY.
That about sums it up. Men actually prefer natural women that don't look like a barbie doll, if they want that then they can just f--- one.
My hair is not shiny like theirs, nor is it silky. Mine is rough and out of control, a bit greasy too. No, God decided to not make me like that. I have to be the ugly one, the one that gets made fun of for many reasons other than that.
Hair doesn't need to be ridiculously shiny, I like your hair, I WANT ITTTT--and everyone's hair is greasy. Believe me, more than they want to admit..
And once again, YOU'RE NOT UGLY. THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE FUN OF YOU CAN GET BUTTf---ED BY SOMETHING HARD AND SANDPAPERY.
Give them a taste of their own medicine. They make fun of your race, you make fun of theirs. Everyone's a b----, it shouldn't be hurtful, it only hurts if you let it hurt, 'b----' is more of a compliment than anything nowadays. f--- them, f--- them all, f--- all those who make fun of you for who you are, it's f---ing bulls--- that no one deserves, everyone's said exactly what I've said but it's still repeated for the same reason.
Instrumental talent is good, believe me, you can compose something beautiful if you tried (and this is done in groups half the time, if you fail by yourself, get together with a bunch of musical peoples and gather ideas)
You know damn well that you can f---ing draw. Not everyone progresses quickly. It takes time.
And you are INDEED smart, smarter than most your age, the grading system doesn't deduct your IQ there on.
What your parents do is what your parents do, it's not your fault, you don't influence any of it. Many children feel it's their fault when they really have nothing to do with it. Your parents can justify their reasoning for leaving as many times as they can and say that you have no right to judge their decision, but in the end, their decision affects you, so you DO have the right to input your opinion if you need to.
And I'm going to sum it all up in what I've been saying all along, YOU ARE INDIVIDUAL
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
YOU ARE AMAZING
JUST THE WAY YOU AREEEE
WONDERFUL
INTELLIGENT
GORGEOUS
FUNNY
TALENTED
IT IS ALL YOU EVER ARE.
You just need confidence..
And a shoulder to cry on...someone to help..love. -
Alice? You're breaking down, you can't handle it, right? Read over ehat people are saying. Maybe it won't now, but in a couple of years, reading it all over will put a smile on your face.
You know why? Because a couple of years is all it's gonna take for you to shoot up. A couple of years and your potential will shine through, you'll realize just how special you are.
You're going through so much in your life Alice, too much for a 12 year old kid. But remember that word: KID. YOU'RE A KID. Everyone here, everyone around you: we're all a bunch of kids. We're allowed to break sometime's, we're allowed to hit our boiling point. The catch? We need to get up, and get back on the horse.
And trust me Alice, your horse is on steroids. Your horse is f---ing high, because that's where you're reaching: high. Screw the moon, you'll make it past the stars. You don't understand how in tune you are, how deep you can be.
Looks? Don't you worry. If everyone looked the same, if everyone looked perfect, people would find another description for perfect and everyone would suddenly be "ugly". It's all about perception, about personal preference. I look at a tall kid with a nicely sculpted face, strong nose and a shiny hair? MEH. However, an average slim dude, with longer dark hair and soft eyes, with that shy boy smile? AHHHHH....
Do you see beauty in every person you see? I doubt it. Someone looks at you and thinks "Wow, she's pretty." It's not your fault that the only people ballsy enough around you are those with nothing nice to say.
About the weight: it's always something you can work on. Remember that. If you're not happy with it, you can change it or accept it. From the pictures I've seen, you're sure as hell not fat. Confidence is key.
If you hate your appearance that much, buy a push up bra and go on a makeup shopping spree. Then, kill your hair with evil products. Turn yuorself into a human optical illusion, if you want, but remember this:
There's nothing a guy will hate more than false advertising. ALWAYS.
Nothing's worse then knowing your girlfriend has big boobs, but when it comes down to it, they were hella stuffed. Or, that your sweetie's perfect complexion is a powder, covering up her bulging acne. It's better they know now than find out later!
About the intelligence? Hun, listen, and listen well, because this is the absolute truth. GRADES DON'T MEASURE INTELLIGENCE. A book worm is an idiot if they lack common sense. Knowing Pythagorus and knowing your way home: which is more important in day to day life? EXACTLY.
Trust me, I would know. My overall average? 93%. My overall average in life? 0%. I'm an ignoranus, a hypocrite. I will press my opininos, even if their far from correct. I don't know the names of the surrounding streets, nor do I know what exit to take if I'm stranded in Toronto. Hell, I don't know the freaking bus routes and am too chicken to take it. I'M AN IDIOT. YOU ALICE, ARE NOT.
When you apply for a job, knowing how to complete everyday tasks efficiently and using common sense will be worth so much more than knowing how to find the surface area of a sphere (Unless you work at a ball-making company).
Pretty and smart, Alice. If someone doesn't notice it, they obviously are too blind to really see YOU.
Love yourself.
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