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- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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I can't do it. I can't do it. It's too much. I'm going to cry.
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I'm not strong enough to get through another hour of this
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I can't catch up it's too much
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I can't believe how much of a mess I made
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What have I done? What was I thinking?
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I'm such a failure
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I did this to myself, there's no one else to blame.
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If I wasn't such a damn liar I wouldn't be here
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I wanted the staff to like me. I wanted my family to be proud of me. So I lied, and one lie lead to another, and then another, and I can't keep up anymore
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I just wanted to feel loved. Is that really so bad? All I wanted was to not feel like a f--- up, and I ended up being a f--- up again.
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But it was just that; a feeling. I let my desperation get in the way. I do blame myself, don't get me wrong. But, if I just felt loved in the first place, I wouldn't have to do this.
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I feel like I have no one, though. Every time someone says they appreciate or love me, it just feels like a lie.Not that people say that to me often.
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And then I see everyone else just...having relationships. And it just isolates me even more. I don't like being alone all the time.
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Almost all relationships I have are made up in my head. I created people to hang out with. I created my "best friend", but it's not real. It's just a fantasy. The only people I truly feel loved by...they don't exist. And that hurts to admit. And it hurts to know deep down. It's kinda sad, isn't it? Being so desperate and lonely, you create fake relationships to satisfy yourself. It's really pathetic.
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But my relationships with these "people", they're so genuine. I feel happy when I'm "hanging out" with them. They feel real. They all have names, backstories, memories. And I form new memories with them, I remember most of my conversations with them than I do with real people.We have inside jokes with each other. We interact and fight sometimes, but we're always fine in the end. It's more than just your average kid's "imaginary friend". I'm not sure if it's normal for an 18 year old to do this, but I genuinely love and care for them. More than some real people.
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