my new official thread.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:33pm
Thread Topic: my new official thread.
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I really am fine though....
Just a little mentally sick that's all. -
I am so confused. One minute I am perfectly fine and have a fantastic mind set, and then the next I am nervous and angry. I have reached to point where I am so conflicted that it has developed a split personality inside of me.
Nothing is helping, and right now I am on the worst side of this swing.
I have been repetitively chanting "I am fine" and I think I might be getting better, but I don't know!? I am delusional and am turning to physiology to fix everything. I tell myself that all my problems are psychological and it helps, but deep down I know that it isn't true.
My grade in what was my best subject is so screwed, I have a D in her class and I am giving up. How I intend on getting a degree in advanced language art skills is beyond me if I can't even manage a B in a lame class that I studied last year.
I am so sick, both mentally and physically. It is indefinite that I have caught a bug from school and from what I am seeing, it isn't going to be pretty. I can't think straight anymore and am obsessive and screwball. I don't want to keep moving in this direction but I can't turn around. I want to hurt people again and have vivid theories and hopes of war breaking out over the country or getting really hurt some how. I want to feel pain again, I don't want to numb my emotion of pain and grief and want to skid my knee really hard against the rocky road outside, jump off my tall bunk bed and knock the wind out of myself, or maybe accidentally cut myself in the shower again if that is what it takes. I will do anything just to feel pain again.
I will trade my emotion of passion for pain that is how desperate I am. I will numb my emotions towards humans and become remiss to care about them if u could only hurt again.
I am so sick of myself, I hate the person I have become with passion. The person I am now knows she isn't good at anything and is really on guard at school again because she feels like everyone is branding her the failure she is. I can't do anything anymore, I don't care to do my chores, I don't care to learn to play piano more exquisitely, I refuse to sing because I swear I sound like a screaming mouse. I won't talk to people at school anymore because I won't allow myself to get involved with anyone. There are literally only three people right now that I will talk to about all this and I refuse to talk to two of them about it. That leaves Kaylie, hopefully I will see her tomorrow at the library. The person I am now can't breathe and can't run, she can't do two freaking pull ups and doesn't care about PE anymore in general. The person I am now can't open up a friendly dialog without getting on the topic of depression or depressing/obsessive things. I want to care and I need a new life but I can't choose between two things that to anyone else might seem like an easy choice(I relate this to the "into the woods" movie when the bakers wife wants the best of both worlds, but then I see what happened to her so I know I must choose). I think I am ugly and hate the fact that I tanned when I was in California.
I need a real hug right now. A real, warm, connected hug. Not these vampire hugs I feel at school, or virtual hugs that only really state an idea, a real, long hug that squeezes all this gunk out of me.
I keep trying get and telling myself I will do the right thing today but I can't! Not until I know I am broken completely, I thought that happened to abut I know now that was only the first wave.
what I really need is to hurt myself purposefully if you won't let me then I will just start hurting other people to see pain if you want let me feel it. Your choice.
Okay goodnight guys, I am done with this physiology that I am warping over myself, if I hurt I hurt, if I fall I fall, I don't really care anymore and neither should any of you. -
Oh right... you aren't going to be on this week.
Well maybe I will just take it all out on the frog I am dissecting.
Frog guts are gory.
Well I need to go to sleep now, I have debate tomorrow against Rebekah and if I don't sleep I loose and that is one more class I have a sucky grade in. -
I can't even use proper grammar anymore...
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There are sharp medical scissors that we are using... maybe I might....
NOPE! I am fine, I won't do it I promise . -
I don't trust you to save me
At least I never wanted to
So I dare you to love me
When I can't even love myself
'Cause I don't want to feel you
Try to break through to me
Oh, I know I've done it to myself
I see that you're the only one left
Who wants to stay by my side
Your love is keeping me alive
This is brand new to let go
The fear that I've rehearsed so long
And how'd you undo, tear down
The home I've made of my disease
And now I need to feel you, hear you
Break through to me
Oh, I know I've done it to myself
I see that you're the only one left
Who wants to stay by my side
Your love is keeping me alive
Need to feel you break through to me
Oh, I know I've done it to myself
I see that you're the only one left
Who wants to stay by my side
Your love is keeping me alive
Alive
Alive -
I think I am okay now. I am okay now so I isn't feel like this anymore.
I need to get going to school...today is a half day...I don't think I can stand ripping apart that frog though...
I need a fresh start. I need a white room with nothing in it and a clear mind.
I hate myself still though. -
I need a lot of help with language arts though, it is critical that I get a good grade by the end of this trimester. I can not go into rpa with a D.
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I had the weirdest dreams last night.
Dreams that prove my lack of sanity.
and I understand what they mean now...
I really don't want to do this...
but at least I don't have to until next week....
Five days to fix your homework.
I am pretty sure that I still need help.
I need to go do something that doesn't allow me to think like watch mindless television or read a book. -
The best part about having WiFi again is that I can listen to music,
I have been going through rock withdrawls.
I am happy now, I have access to my music. -
I know your intentions
I've seen the way you work
You love destruction
You love pouring on the hurt
I used to chase you
But now I hate you
I'm safe inside the light
So go on do your worst, your worst
I am stronger than you think
I believe you'll never get the best of me
No I don't buy the lies you sell
My heart belongs to someone else
I am stronger, stronger than you think
I'm tasting freedom
Something you will never know
Just give up now 'cause
You will never have control
My life is paid for
So what are you here for
I'm safe inside the light
So leave me alone, alone
I am stronger than you think
I believe you'll never get the best of me
No I don't buy the lies you sell
My heart belongs to someone else
I am stronger, stronger than you think
I know your intentions
I've seen the way you work
Since you love destruction
This is gonna hurt
I am stronger than you think
I believe you'll never get the best of me
No I don't buy the lies you sell
My heart belongs to someone else
I am stronger, stronger than you think
I am stronger, I am stronger
I believe
I am stronger, stronger than you think
I used to chase you
But now I hate you
I'm safe inside the light
So go on do your worst -
I've got this passion
It's something I can't describe
It's so electric
It's like I've just come alive
I feel this freedom
Now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I found the meaning of grace
(I found grace)
If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
It's funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I know I'll stumble
I know I'll still face defeat
These second chances will define me
So I'm moving forward
I'm standing on my two feet
I've got momentum
I've got someone saving me
(Got someone saving me)
If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
It's funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I'll make mistakes and I might fall
But I won't break
I've got someone saving me -
Is this the whole picture
Or is it just the start?
Is this the way you love me?
You're capturing my heart
I used to try and walk alone
But I've begun to grow
And when you tell me just to rest
I'm finally letting go
I let go
And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms.... I'm home
I'm seeing so much clearer
Looking through your eyes
I could never find a safer place
Even if I tried
All the times I've needed you
You've never left my side
I'm clinging to your every word
Don't ever let me go
Don't let go
And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms.... I'm home
I'm home...(ohoh ohoh ohoh ohoh)
I'm wrapped in your arms.
And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms
And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms.... I'm home
I'm home -
I am dying inside right now, I am so satisfied with these songs in my Playlist that I swear I have never heard before
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I am really bad at analyzing genre, is this rock or hard rock?
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