...I've been having suicidal thoughts for two years.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:29pm
Thread Topic: ...I've been having suicidal thoughts for two years.
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I've always wondered what the world would be like without be here. If I could just see what people would do if I vanished for 24 hours and see if they cared or not. Most of the time it really seems they don't.
And an introvert and a sociopath. I blame my father. Though, it would be awful to blame him because right now he's weak and he has brain cancer. Then so be it. God wanted me to follow in my dad's footsteps and take after him.
Now, I have an addiction to the internet. My parents are thinking about getting me a therapist. I don't want one, but at the same time, I do. I want to help myself, but I don't want to because I'm a selfish introvert who's a sociopath and can't stand talking to other people in real life.
I've only dated three boys in real life. I've had twice as many steady and serious relationships online. All of them with girls (probably, I don't even know them in real life). Nobody has a clue that I might not be straight, except for my sister, who keeps asking me if I'm bisexual. I...don't know. Life has been very confusing for me.
I don't know if these are just thoughts or my period. I don't know. But I doubt it's my period because I didn't have it when I was 10, when I started thinking of suicide.
I...don't even know why I haven't killed myself yet. But probably because everybody thinks I'm that diplomatic good girl who's too chicken to risk anything and I'm crested to the title. I've risked my whole life. My parents' trust by dating online, giving personal information out, everything. It's almost like the internet is my life. I prefer the internet over real life.
GoToQuiz is my primary devotion on the internet. Xanje and Transformice both tie for an extremely close second. I can't pull myself away, it's too hard...no matter how much I'm insulted, fought with, a drama prone.
I haven't told anybody yet that I'm suicidal and possibly depressed except for you guys, which is horrible. I trust online strangers than my own family. Just..
I'm ashamed of myself. I want to get a therapist and put on anti-depressants and get better knowing that everything is going to be okay and I can put all of this behind me, but help is too far away. I'm scared to let my parents and family my whole story. Then I'll be seen as insane and they'll hate me. I'm scared of coming out of the closet. I want to stay in the closet a little longer. -
I don't know what to say, but I wanted to let you know I care and that you can talk to me when you're feeling sad.
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D:
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Thank you, Maru. It's nice to know that someone cares.
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I'll always be here for you. Just do me a favor, don't cut or kill yourself. I've done the first one and it controls you. It becomes an addiction. My dad killed himself, now my whole familys screwed up. Trust me, if you can make it better, yourself, with a healthy alternative, like music, life will get better.
"And something that is a healthy and happy alternative to hurting yourself, as opposed to..taking a razor blade to yourself. Because, at the end of the day, you're only hurting the most important person in the world, and that's you." -Andy Biersack to General Public -
*cuddles*
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Of course.
*internet cuddles for you* -
I've thought about cutting myself. I almost did it once, but was too afraid due to my phobia of pain (Agliophobia).
*is cuddled* -
*is cuddled again (oh what a coincidence)*
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I lack that phobia..badly.
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Listen to Hold On Till May by Pierce The Veil.
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Okay. I will.
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One day it will all stop. And you'll be stronger then ever before
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I'm not strong yet. I'm still weak. I don't want to wait years for it. I don't want to wonder "when will it stop?" forever.
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Cuddling makes things better. I just wish you had someone there to understand and cuddle you physically. I think that would make you feel a lot better.
And if we're doing music, then I'd suggest this instead:
As for your coming out, I don't know what to tell you. Know that your God is endlessly more forgiving than the humans that preach His intent. While your family might not be ready to accept your sexuality, don't ever feel ashamed of it because of your religion. Christianity asks for love and tolerance toward everyone.
Cutting is not a good idea. Self injury, as a whole, is pretty much terrible. Try drawing, writing, or singing furiously about what hurts you. Don't keep it in until it feels necessary to go to those extremes.
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