Read and critique.
- Locked due to inactivity on Jun 23, '17 3:54am
Thread Topic: Read and critique.
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Sarah sat on the train, her knee length white hair was tangled and wet from the rain, her pale round face still had tear streaks, her almost glowing blue eyes shone with tears that threatened to fall at any moment, and her black funeral dress was wrinkled and unwashed because she had refused to wear anything else ever since her father's funeral.
She looked at the only other passenger in the car, he was a big muscly man, and on the side of his neck was a tattoo of a black 'X' with a black star in the center. She stared at the tattoo in horror, she knew anyone with that tattoo was bad news, she tried to convince herself that it was a coincidence, but it wasn't working. But it was when three men with the same tattoo walked into the car, had a short whispered conversation, and all four of them left, that Sarah new she had to get out of there.
She opened the window next to her, held her suitcase against her chest, and jumped out of the train. She landed on her right leg and she heard a sickening crack, she fell down and her head hit a rock, and then everything went black. -
Its good you should post a backstory
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Thanks, this is the start of the story, I'll post more when I have time.
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Sarah woke up, she was laying in what felt like a bed. She opened her eyes and saw she was in a what appeared to be a hospital room, and standing in the room talking to a nurse was, her father.
She stared, how could it be her father, her father was dead. But the man looked exactly like her father, with his well-kept white hair, his almost glowing blue eyes, his pale skin, and he was wearing the black suit that her father always wore. After a few minutes of thinking she finally realized that the man was her uncle, her father's identical twin, the same uncle that she was going to live with now.
Thinking about her father's death was too much for her and the tears began to fall, she raised her right hand to wipe the tears and the sleeve of her hospital gown slipped showing the scar on her forearm that appeared to come from a huge wolf biting her. It was at that moment that the nurse looked at her about to say something, she stared at the scar and asked, "If I'm allowed to ask, how did you get that scar?" Sarah quickly thought of something to say, "Um, a dog bit me." the nurse believed her, but a dog wasn't what bit her, what bit her, was her father. -
This is eally good also just do some flashbaccks to explain a little more!
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1) Less "Sarah this, Sarah that, she did this, Sarah goes to your local grocery store, etc."
It just feels so repetitive and droned on like it's so uninspired. Try starting out your paragraphs in an interesting scenario without tediously using the character's names and make it more spacious for good ideas and techniques.
2) Too.. boring and dull. Unimaginative. Nothing innovative or to paint a picture in your head to distract how mundane the story is.
Enough with Sarah, the story should become multiple perspectives and interactions to further enhance Sarah's experiences and emotions. Who exactly is Sarah? Is she really significant? Should we care?
She's more of like a doll that is being thrown around into useless actions and transitions that are muddled and don't have much comprehension.
Why are men with the tattoos dangerous? Why exactly does she irrationally plunge out of a fast-pacing train without any other kind of plan?
3) Easily forgettable. There's no ground-breaking words to add flavor to the characters and their surroundings, there's no deepened explanation about Sarah and who she is, nothing is really explained thoroughly. She's more of like a stock character someone used for their practice writing on Fanfiction.net.
I don't know, that's just my interpretation. -
I have to partially agree with 1714
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I agree too^^
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Can y'all critic HEARTS AND HAMMERS please !
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Good points, I'll post some more when I can and when think of what to say, and it's probably gonna be a flashback, or more than one.
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A little girl ran into her father's study and held up her right arm, "Daddy, where did I get this scar?" her father looked at her, "Well, I bit you." the little girl looked horrified, "Why did you bite me?!"
"To make sure you're a werewolf."
"Why would you want me to be a werewolf, don't they eat people?" her father laughed, "Have you ever eaten someone?"
"No, why?"
"You wouldn't quite understand, I'll tell you when you're older."
And he did tell her a few years later, he told her that their family has been carefully breeding themselves in a long and complicated process to make sure they can control themselves when they turn into wolves on the full moon, and it worked, but what he didn't tell her was the consequence, because they can
control themselves when they're wolves they have a hard time controlling themselves as humans.
That same year the girl and her mother were taking a walk near a forest when her mother pulled her into the forest and told her to be quiet, the girl did as she was told and wondered why her mother looked so scared. Finally she said, "It's okay, he's gone."
"Who's gone?"
"There was a man with a tattoo of an 'X' with a star in the center, on the side of his neck. That means he's from a organization that call themselves The New Sun, they are all non-humans like werewolves, vampires, and demans. Their goal is to kill all humans and they don't care how many non-humans die in the process, you must stay away from them, and if you ever see someone with that tattoo get out of wherever you are as soon as possible, you understand?" the girl nodded, not really all that worried. But she became very worried when her mother was found dead the next day, and few days after that, her brother died. No one could find the killer or killers, but the girl was sure it was The New Sun. -
By the way, when I said demans, it was not a misspelling of demons.
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*sighs*Why did I think people would read this?
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Just because no one responds doesn't mean that no one is reading. Nor should it matter if anyone was reading at all. You write because you find it fun, not for some fleeting attention from a quiz website.
Also your story sucks. I should 'deman'd that you stop writing it, lol. -
haha lol
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