alexithymia
Thread Topic: alexithymia
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I hate this feeling
If something bad happens or if I start overthinking something too much then I am going to have a melt down
Too much is happening in the next few weeks I just want to isolate for a week straight please -
So I went to a new doctor for the med stuff
We’re upping my dose because it wasn’t working and the doctor and I had this like mini therapy session kinda with the new doctor who’s now going to be my regular doctor because she’s also my mum’s regular doctor and my mum doesn’t like my old regular doctor for some reason
My mum left and she took one look at me and just went “so you’re an articulate overachiever, and you’re your mother’s kid… you’re a coper, aren’t you?” and now I’m convinced she has cameras in my house -
“So you think that your way of contributing is by not having any needs so you don’t tell anyone what’s going on?” Miss ma’am how
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its so weird how my identity and the things that make me me will never be accepted by some people who refuse to try to understand
my gender, sexuality, aspirations, style, and even the way i look will always make some people hate me because dressing grunge is weird and being trans is weird and wanting to be some kind of activist is weird -
fr, it's so strange knowing people you don't even know will hate you so intensely for something you can't really control and they refuse to understand
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im on a very gay side of the internet so i prefer to pretend transphobes and people like tHaT don't exist, so when i come across them in public its always so weird
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Everything keeps going wrong
Everyone keeps doing things wrong and my plans keep mucking up -
Wow ok I’m really depressed
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I have nobody to talk to about my thoughts besides like two people and one of them is on the other side of the world and the other is paid to care about me
And even then I have to censor myself because whoops can’t tell my therapist about my bad thoughts because he’ll have to tell my parents and I can’t scare my friends and make them think I’m yk not okay
I can’t traumadump to my irl friends but I can’t vent. Ig they don’t know what to say or we’re just not at the friendship level needed to do serious venting. It’s so hard to tell I hate it because I need closure with these things am I allowed to tell you about what’s going on in my head or not give me a list of what I am and aren’t allowed to vent about to you
Because otherwise I’ll slip up and talk about something you don’t like and nobody will want to be my friend anymore -
Apologising for my life and ever entering yours
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my therapy appointment got cancelled yesterday last minute which really messed me up because everything that day had already gone wrong
my next appointment is in an entire month which uh isnt the best -
im on the verge of a panic attack but i'll hold it in until i get home
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I got to let out my panic by painting, theatre, and crying into my friend’s shoulder at lunch. Sorry Emma :3
Anyway I feel better now mostly I just hated today -
im fixated on the middle ages rn bc we're learning about it in history
and obviously the middle ages included boom wap bam the bubonic plague
i'm like scared of illnesses (i haven't spiralled about it for a while but learning about it is rekindling this fear which is fun) -
i have a funny song abt the bubonic plauge i could send you lmaoo
also i hope your day's going well :)
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