Shrouded despair and forgotten ambitions
- Locked by Br0wnieBunny on Nov 23, '24 12:03amReason: thread owner request
Thread Topic: Shrouded despair and forgotten ambitions
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The friend and I sorted it out but I isolated myself at lunch as a coping tool and without her I don’t really have any friends
Like I do have people I talk to but nobody else I hang out with that much and it’s made me realise how dependent I am on her for daily social interactions and support
And she’s awesome and I get friends argue sometimes and we’ve sorted it out now but it’s like… if I messed up and we weren’t friends anymore I wouldn’t really have anyone and the possibility of going back to that scares me bc last year I was in a really bad place and without her I can’t think of the things I would’ve done to myself
So yeah fun ig -
Like yay I don’t have many irl friends
Maybe it’ll get better next year and I’ll find people bc classes are switching next year but the fact that’s my only hope to making more friends is pathetic as f---
Maybe if I get into the musical I’ll find more people but I honestly don’t really want to be in it if I don’t get a good role. Which yeah makes me sound like a brat but anyway -
I'm sorry about that. You're awesome, the fact that you don't have more friends is shocking to me
That's not bratty, I know lots of kids who do the same thing after getting in plays as extras -
Its not ur fault lol. Thanks
Yeah, its honestly not worth the stress if i dont get a good part lol -
I wish I was born a guy sometimes
Like the guys get flat chests, deeper voices, testosterone, etc etc. I’m glad I’ve figured out I’m nonbinary but I wish I’d been born in a male body
I’m glad I can pass as a boy (and now I’m lowkey complimented when people ask if I’m a girl or boy) but idk if that’ll be the same in 2 years time. idk maybe I’ll get more of a feminine body when I’m a senior and it’ll be harder to pass as male -
Do you know if puberty blockers are legal in your area? They basically do what they sound, and I think they might be helpful in your situation where you don't know if in 2 years you'll still pass
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They are, but both parents and a doctor has to consent for kids under 18, so I honestly doubt I’d be able to go on them
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Ohhhh ok
If you feel comfortable bringing it up to your parents/doctor, I would, but it's 100% up to you -
Idk lol, i don't think my father would be totally against it but my mum would hate the idea honestly
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I think I’m gonna ask my parents to help me change my name on the roll. I know a kid who’s in grade 12 who changed her name (she’s trans), but it was probably easier for her since she’s technically an adult, and I am yet to be a big scary senior. At least I know it possible. And idrc about changing my gender on the roll if it means ppl will stop calling me by my full deadname constantly (no joke I’ve had subs constantly refer to me as my long ass name it’s not that hard to shorten it to Alex jeez)
It’s just like I’ve always hated my long deadname like I only get called it when I’m in trouble or when ppl are being ignorant and purposely don’t call me my preferred name I’ve never had a good relationship with it and now I have an excuse to change it -
i think im gonna go home early im getting overwhelmed today
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Sleepover went well ig
It was fun at the beginning but when it got late I got really overstimulated and everyone stayed up really late which I don’t really do (the latest I stay up on a regular basis is 10.30, maybe a bit later when I’m feeling sad) but we stayed up till like 11.45
I ended up having a mini breakdown in the bathroom (which thankfully nobody saw) because everything just felt so gross and unfamiliar
Idk I just really didn’t enjoy it when it got late and in the morning my battery was dead so I was just kinda there while everyone was talking and laughing
Also I’m used to things being done a certain way I don’t think it’s an OCD thing bc these are like basic things
If you have no soap in your bathroom and you tell me to “just use water” I am using the body wash in your shower ok how do people who only use water after pissing not have like 6 diseases
Anyway the whole experience was just really overstimulating and tiring and I don’t think I’ll want to do it again any time soon -
Things like this have always been emotionally and mentally exhausting for me but it’s been way worse this year. Idk what’s happened I just got so overwhelmed and just scared. Idk if it was because everything was so different or if I was being sensitive
It’s weird cause like as a kid I was left out of sleepovers a lot because of my parents and now I was finally allowed to after years and years of begging but I ended up not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. Maybe it was just with the wrong people but I ended up having a breakdown over it and the irony of it is blegh -
Also adding onto the certain way thing
Leaving glasses of water/open chip or lolly packets overnight. It’s just gross and I didn’t think people actually did this until last night -
Okay I'm sorry that doesn't sound fun and I can talk to you about that more if you want but hold up hold up wdym n o s o a p T_T
I can understand the glasses of water thingy but no soap is wild wtf-
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