Dancing In The Rain
Thread Topic: Dancing In The Rain
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I can never bring myself to ask for help on emotional things, not because of pride honestly, although there might be some of that
I just genuinely cannot bring myself to do so because I feel like I'd be a burden, and drain people and tire them out, or worse, I'll open myself up so much that I'll regret later on and wish I could take it all back, and hide all of my weaknesses and feelings so no one can see, or judge me, or learn my weak points -
I have a really hard time trusting people, like deep, deep trust. I love making friends and I can do so easily, and I do trust some people to a certain extent. Some people I trust to not destroy my physical well-being, but I don't feel like I trust anyone to really let them see all of my feelings, and weak moments, and soft spots
Not that I don't think these people aren't trustworthy, or would betray me, but I'm naturally defensive and overprotective of anything that could be considered a weakness, or something that could ever be used against me, or anything like that
Because of fear, because I'm scared of people knowing me -
I guess it's easier to let it out here, because there is no person listening, although literally anyone could see, there's a peaceful anonymity around it. No pressure, no impatience, just a soothing quiet from which people occasionally emerge to offer support and honesty, and I think that's beautiful
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Being secretive is honestly my second language, like I get why some people might feel a little offended if I don't tell them seemingly meaningless things, but it is very hard for me
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And then there's rejection (romance-wise). Why do people demonize it so much? It understand being rejected can hurt, but it is also very hard to reject someone. It's not fun, it's not enjoyable, it's actually miserable because you feel like you're breaking someone's heart and that is a horrible feeling
People have a right to reject relationships they don't want, and of course people have a right to feel sad about being rejected. But people underestimate just how hard it is to reject someone, especially if it's a friend because then sometime they won't want to be friends anymore. Or they just won't want to be close friends anymore, and it feels like losing a friend because somebody fell in love and somebody else didn't -
Someone, somewhere in this world, is going to hate me no matter what I do. There is always going to be someone who despises me for what I believe or what I stand for no matter what I do, and that is oddly comforting
I'm a huge people-pleaser, and I hate making people upset and it's oddly comforting that someone can and will hate me, and I don't need to try and please them -
That Pinocchio clip is haunting me, his voice lives in my head rent free
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Not bringing yourself to ask for help is pride, even if you don't think it is. You and I are more alike than I realized. I have the exact same problem for the exact same reason and the feeling of being a burden most likely stems from some point of emotional trauma. But not asking for help because of it is prideful in the sense that you belive you can handle it on your own, and even if you think you need to ask for help but won't do it, you have an unconscious sense of pride because the moment you ask for help, I promise you you're going to feel like s---. BUT, that's the first part of gaining the humility to let others help you. You'll argue with yourself about why you should let others help, but the simple fact of the matter is that's what friends and family are suppose to do; no one should want to see you fall.
As for not being able to trust others even if you become friendly with them, I am the same way in this with a cynical spin. I don't believe anyone would want to be my friend unless they want to use me for something, and I generally dislike people even though I'm nice to them. I have trauma in this area, and I'm sure you do, too. But we both have to learn to put ourselves out there and realize if there are people willing to do whatever it takes just to see you smile they're probably people worth keeping in your life. And don't focus on the fact that you can't trust someone; trust will naturally come over time. -
aNYWAYS
I was given a gift, a special gift, to help others. I was not taught, I was not forced, but He simply gave me a gift to help spread love throughout the world and I'm grateful, I really am
But boy, did it backfire on me because I don't know what the line is between healthy selflessness and generosity, and self-destruction. -
OH GOD I DID NOT SEE YOU THERE FOR THE SECOND TIME IN A ROW I AM SO SORRY I NEED TO STOP DOING THAT
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I suppose not asking for help has a bit of pride on my part, but I think it's more fearful than it it prideful on my part
I really hope you and I can both develop as people and be able to accept help and build trust, because honestly that would be a really really nice thing to achieve -
I do not want to go to the hospital, what am I even going to say
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"Oh yes, there are certain times when I find myself desperately longing for air and my lungs are pretty much burning for oxygen! And when I try to inhale deeply, my chest feels tight and like my rib cages are trying to contain my lungs. I often lie awake at night, struggling to breathe comfortably and often tear up and wish I had an inhaler. But other times when I'm distracted, I feel perfectly fine!"
Like any doctor would believe a word I said -
Doctors are honestly so dumb sometimes. I’m not saying that they aren’t important, but they’re pretty useless in the situation you’re in. Sometimes they don’t understand.
But I’m also not saying that you can’t get help, because I think that a doctor will be able to listen and understand what you’re saying. -
But what I have, whatever it is, somewhat has to do with my awareness of it and I feel like it'd be a waste of time and money :(
Parent believes that these are panic attacks, which is scary to say the least
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