Dark Little Corner of the World
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 12, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: Dark Little Corner of the World
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And I always feel like one.
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I really just want to go stick my head in a hole and hide.
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Sometimes I wish Moth and Heph were here. I would ask them how they control it so well. I didn't even know either of them had autism, and yet, whenever I try to talk to other people, 9 out of 10 times, people ask me "What's wrong with you?"
It's a little discouraging to try to put myself out there when my "peers" keep doing this to me. It happened just yesterday when I was at the store. -
I feel so weird compared to everyone else, and I'm slowly reverting back to how I used to be.
I'm afraid of loud noises, I can't stand eye contact, I can hardly be around anyone because it's too much to handle.
I don't know what to do anymore. -
And that one time the troll came here. I can't get those words out of my head. My parents basically call me the same thing in their own words. They just don't use the "f" word with it.
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I really need to stop choking back what's really bothering me. But, I just feel so ashamed and stuck. I don't know how to let it out.
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I can't take it. I'm just really scared. And I downplay it when things don't seem bad at the moment, but when I need something, I remember again why it is the way it is.
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Buying time is what I'm doing. My mom literally asked 3 minutes ago what I was doing.
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Just post funny things. Anything to stay calm. I'm wondering still if I should ask for help because it's just....
I don't know what to do anymore.
And I keep such a cool demeanor on the outside.
They don't see half of what they're doing to me and when they see it they don't care. I just want to exclude myself from it so I can get better, but I don't even know where to start.
And once this happens, I'm just scared to know what they'll do afterwards. Like, what if they take all my stuff I leave behind and destroy it?
Or what if they disown me for real?
I don't know what could happen, but I can't be this way anymore. -
I am worried, actually, but last night was the best sleep I had in ages. I actually slept.
I'm not so sure how well this'll go. I mean, the state I'm in makes it hard for me to just up and leave when I literally have nothing to my name. And will I ever be able to see my family again? Will they ever want to see me again?
I won't lie. I will miss my siblings. I've grown used to them even if I strongly dislike them. I'm used to having bodies in the house with me. And I don't think I could take being alone. But what will happen, then? -
Was I wrong in asking for help?
I feel like it, but I know I need it and they're just not doing it. What are they doing for me?
They ignore anything that bothers me
They fuss at me and tell me to cheer up but don't provide any help
They tell me if I want to starve, that's my business; they don't understand, do they?
They say they'll only take me to a professional if they see fit, but they also say if it involves medication, they're not taking me for anything.
They yell and raise their voices on the daily basis. Normal people don't do that, and it scares me every time.
They always talk to me like I've done something wrong.
They never respect when I say I need some time to myself; they follow me and try to tell me that this is their house and every inch of it is theirs to stay in.
They always have to attack me when I don't agree with something they say or think.
They force me to do things they claim I "had a choice" for doing or not doing... -
But, I knew it would probably be impossible to begin with. Even now, at my age, it's still undoable, isn't it?
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I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to do it. I don't have the means, and that only makes this harder for anyone else to help.
It's not a normal situation, and the more I realize this, the more it worries me. -
What if I'm just wasting their time? What if nothing can really be done? Then I'll have to stay here. I thought it would be a little easier, now, but...
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And everything I say sounds like an excuse, but it's true. No one's said that they doubt it, but if I weren't actually living it, I would think this, too.
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