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- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 27, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: ...
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It seems I'm a lot more talkative and more constantly babbling when I'm happy, but nobody likes me that way.
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12 am, want to die
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I feel I have nobody.
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Everything was going so well. It's a shame every time something good happens, my mind decides to put myself in such a state.
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It doesn't matter anymore.
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I've been trying to sleep for hours. Just let me sleep.
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Why does everyone hate me?
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I seem to lack the ability to get out of my own head.
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I'm going to strangle them.
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Still no motivation.
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I focus on my characters because everything else stresses me out.
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I'm going to die alone.
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My therapist says I've been really working to find a balance, and as much as I want that; I can't help but go back to my 'normal' mindset. I guess it feels safe for my brain, but it hurts me.
I know it's not good of me to put myself back into the headspace of feeling like my sole purpose is to please and serve others, but I do wonder if I was like that, because it was true. I never truly saw myself as a real human being, and I was always the side character in my own life.
I'm trying so hard to fight the feelings and that distorted mentality, but some nights it's inescapable. -
Learning how to stand on my own two feet is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know it'll be worth it, and I know that I'll be unbreakable at the end of this tunnel. However, it's draining me more than my depression and suicidal thoughts ever had.
I'm a very stubborn person, so change is even more difficult than my depression and anxiety. At least I'm safe when I'm depressed and s---, and I know what's gonna happen.
But now, I'm in an unknown territory, and it's f---ing scary.
I want to just go back to the other side, but nothing is waiting there for me. It'll be the same s--- I've dealt with my whole life. I know I have to do this, but it's just taking such a toll on me. -
It's the only way. I was dumb, and expected that someone stronger than me would be able to save me.
But the truth is, the only person that can save you, is you.
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