Is there something really wrong with me?
- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 23, '18 3:54am
Thread Topic: Is there something really wrong with me?
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Okay, I know I am just a weird, quirky person in general, but I am not really talking about that. There are two main issues that are the most disturbing, and I will try my best to explain them.
Now, I know you are probably seeing how long this post is and thinking No way am I reading all that! But if you please could sacrifice just a few minutes to read and try to understand this, and give a response, it will mean the world to me. You have no idea. I seriously cannot talk to anyone else honestly about this.
The main issue that concerns me most is that I talk to myself. All the time. Not exactly like schizophrenics where I hear voices in my head, but more like the imaginary friends that little kids have. I guess it is a little similar to the stuff I post on my thread, but in real life I actually look in the mirror and talk to myself, almost as if I were pretending to be making a YouTube video or something. I have done it ever since I was little, but it has gotten really bad over the past year, to the point that every time I go to the bathroom, I actually need to talk to myself in the mirror first. Almost like a drug addiction. Now, part of the issue may be that I have absolutely no close friends in real life, and so talking to myself is only way I can really talk about anything at all. I have noticed that whenever I am talking to people on GTQ, I talk to myself a whole lot less than normal. So it could very possibly just be that I am simply extremely lonely and socially starved, and not really going crazy. There is no way for me to give an honest answer. What do you think?
The other thing that worries me is how much p---ography I watch. Not that I am addicted to it or anything, but I feel like I watch and enjoy it WAY more than any 15-year-old girl should. But the part that really has me concerned is how I found out about p--- in the first place. (I am really sorry if any of this does not make sense. I tried my best to be coherent.) Growing up, I was always told that p---ography was horrible and awful and to stay away from it. But no one ever bothered to explain to me what it actually was. But in retrospect, the way I would play with my dolls when I was little was super creepy and messed up and p----like. I would tie my dolls up with little strings and take all their clothes off and pretend to whip them with a piece of yarn. Other times, in bed, I would imagine that I was kidnapped and was being beaten up by a bunch of strange men. WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD! And I was homeschooled and raised in a Christian family and never watched any movies, so I have no clue where I got those ideas from. So then when I got onto Internet, I would search for videos of girls tied up and gagged and whipped and all that stuff, and then I eventually realized with horror that the videos were from p--- sites! I just feel like that is really messed up and freakishly abnormal, especially for someone with my kind of upbringing.
So if you actually read all of this, please, please, please post something: advice, sympathy, comments, anything! But please be completely honest too. I am really worried about myself and have no time for sugarcoated garbage. I need to know what is wrong with me before I destroy my life. Thank you so much. -
Those things aren't as weird as you think.
First of all, most people talk to themselves. It seems that you may be blowing it out of proportion and psyching yourself out. You need to chill. Though it does sound like you're incredibly lonely. Maybe you should start making video diaries or voice diaries to help? Idk.
Secondly, the whole....p--- thing isn't that weird either. In fact, children are known to start masturbating in the womb. It especially isn't weird for a 15 year old girl. This is the time when your hormones will be the craziest, so of course you'll be into all of this. And actually, it does make sense with your upbringing. When parents don't take the time to explain to their children what exactly sex is and what p---ography is, then of course the child will become curious and explore for themselves.
Overall, it seems you've just been very....socially and sexually repressed and now that you're old enough to explore the world and experience things for yourself, you're like, freaking out. You need to calm down. It isn't that big of a deal and it's more normal than your parents scared you into thinking. Take a deep breath and look at it objectively. -
Okay, wow thank you so much. And you are right: I am incredibly lonely. Most days I never even go outside, much less out in public.
Thanks so much for that, though! When I am only really ever around adults all the time and have no people my age to let me know everything I am feeling is normal, I can start to freak out. And every time I even start talking about my feelings, people are just like Oh yeah, I went through that stage (god I hate that word) when I was your age too. without even really trying to understand.
So thank you. I will try to chill out and calm down more :) -
No problem! I hope you feel better. Teenage years are tough and it doesn't help if your parents never explained things to you.
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