Air
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 31, '16 3:54am
Thread Topic: Air
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just read
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If you think this is Avatar than you cn to the wrong place. I'm Santana Elizabeth Heart and I'm a world famous singer, song writer, dancer and actor. but you didn't know that i don't like singing dancing etc. My true heart lyes in Soley acting and playing an insturment. i have hard time playing an insturment since i don't have time.
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You know, I once remember a happier time. I had a yacht. I'd sail from story to story, never resting in port. There was a train as well, full of bright eyed critics. But of course, time passed; the train crashed. Ironic, since 'Train Wreck Explorers' was their name. And my yacht never returned from sea, wasting its sailor into a skeletal husk; cold and dead.
Let us begin.
1. Don't mention other stories in your story. Literally no one gives a s--- if the title is similar to another story's title. Hell, Avatar and Avatar share nothing in common, but both were mainstream successes.
2. If the character is speaking to the audience than you need to show it using quotation marks. No exceptions.
3. You can't start a sentence with 'but.' 'But' is a conjunction. It is used to link two sentences together, not to stand alone. Doing so makes your writing look shoddy.
4. Always start a sentence with a capital letter. Come on, this is literal kindergarten s---. This is the kind of stuff they teach four year olds, you have no excuse.
5. Get a spell checker. It still baffles me that some people don't have one. It is literally built into every internet browser. I mean, seriously...see those red lines under the words? What do you think those mean? They're not there to show you how special and unique your way of writing words are, they're to show you that you've mispelt a word! For f---S SAKE, RIGHT CLICK THE WORD AND FIX IT! f---. LITERALLY, LITERALLY, THE ENTIRE WORLD CAN SEE YOU. MAKE YOURSELF LOOK GOOD, FOR f---S SAKE.
6. Don't use the word etc. Go into detail or end it there, but don't use etc.
7. Capatilize the letter 'I' when it's alone. Again, a four year old knows this. You are dumber than a four year old child eating glue if you don't do this.
8. This is too short. At least post something worth reading. This barely even counts as a synopsis.
9. Proof-read your s---, nigga. I can blatantly tell you haven't done this. Want to know how? The ninth word in your post is misspelled. The first sentence has an error in it. Even going over your writings ONCE would improve everything by 100%. It would at least let you root out the obvious errors and make you not look like an illiterate schoolgirl who's never so much as touched a book and has no idea what a 'grammar' is.
And that's about it.
I'll be here all week, gentlemen. Here on the ocean floor. -
to let you know I'm on my kindle and there is no such thing as spell check. Also i like that you're helping me but i can't be perfect. this is my first thing in the library. also you see the title AIR well isn't there AIRBENDERS in Avatar? but i like the help. A suggestion for you is not say ofensive words and swear words. to the people you're giving suggestions to.
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i can take hate but giving suggestions and saying s---e that's not cool.
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pov1
My parents are world famous actors but, their days have past. I live in Hawaii so if I start talking Pigeon you know why. Wait why am I talking to myshelf?. Eh who knows after all my nickname is kooko bird. -
pov santana
I start my day like a regular person. No I don't have people dressing me and all that stuff people belive. Yes though I am rich I still go to public school. Since the girls at the privafe school are all snobby about their money and want to be my friend since I'm famous. My friends at the public school aren't snobby and the majority of them were my friends since elementary. That was before I became famous. My first timeon stage was when i was 10 being the light master. I only started acting since my mom forced me to. -
time skip
pov Santana
The next day, same routine wake up, take a shower, do my hair and brush my teeth. Sadly it was not loke that. When I was brushing my hair I looked in the mirror. The thing in the mirror was not me. It had scales up its body and had wings. "MOM DAD HELP ME," I screamed. -
i can take hate but giving suggestions and saying s---e that's not cool.
Surely this should be reversed, yes? In that you can take suggestions, but hate is not cool? Because otherwise it makes it sound like you WANT me to senseless yell at you without any constructive criticism involved.
I know you can't be perfect, which is why I'm only pointing out the basic mistakes you made. Trust me, there's a lot of complexity I'm purposefully leaving out.
So what if there are airbenders in Avatar and your title is air? Are there airbenders in your story? I don't see the relation. How do I know a story called 'air' isn't actually about air djinn in traditional Hindu mythology? Literally no one cares about vague similarities.
For your pleasure, I will refrain from swearing.
1. Don't tell the audience who's point of view we're looking at. Each character should be distinct enough that it doesn't need to be said, or it should become immediately obvious from the environment and the prose who's viewpoint we're seeing. The audience aren't idiots, they can keep track of changing characters.
That said, for your first story, it's generally recommended to stick to one person's viewpoint only until you become proficient enough to change between them seamlessly.
2. What does talking Pigeon mean? Is that a euphemism or is there something you've forgotten to explain?
3. Myshelf needs a space, so it becomes 'my shelf.' Unless you mean 'myself' in which case I still recommend you install a spellchecker.
4. It's spelled Cuckoo Bird.
5. Who's Santana? I thought the main character was Cuckoo Bird?
6. Don't tell the audience that time has passed either. It SHOULD be obvious. If, at one moment, your character is walking down the halls of her school, and the next moment is staring at herself in a mirror at home, 99% of readers don't need to be told that time has passed. Hell, telling people that time has passed is doubly inane in this instance, because the FIRST f---ING SENTENCE IS 'the next day.' Honestly, you're just being redundant at this point.
That's about all I have to say about that. I'll be plucking pearls out of oysters all night gentlemen, same time, same place. See you around. -
when i meant take suggestions and swearing. i meant that people are giving suggetions but also swearing at the same time.
1. sorry
2.Pigeon if you don't know is a type of slang.
3. sorry that's what my friend told me
4. tanks
5. I mentioned her name in the beginning
6. k
airbender and the title air you will find out why later
don't tell me off about how i type/talk since I'm speed typeing for this so if you see tanks or slightly misspeeled words its because I'm fast typeing. Also tanks if how i say thanks but i dont use it in writings unless it is called for.
Spelling check is not applicable on Kindle Paperwhite -
The gates of Hogwarts:
"Lets go James we're going to be late," said Alfie Wood.
"Mister Wood please stay back tohelp your cousin," Mcgonical said. -
"Santana sweety you need to pack your things... you're a witch/dracken. We thought that you were a squib... but I guess not," mom told me.
"Hou will be going to Hogwarts with your cousin Alfie. We didn't tell you since we wanted you to have a semmy regular life," dad added. -
I am Santana Elizabeth Heart or Santana Elizabeth Zeno. Daughter of William Mich Zeno and Valerie Destiny Zeno. I am 11 years old and a witch
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Pigeon is slang for what? Living in a third world country, I am not familiar with traditional American slang. I assume it is food related, like so much of your culture?
Maybe you should, you know, STOP speed typing it then? Or at the very least, save it somewhere that isn't here so you can proof read it later and make sure it's of the highest quality. You do want your writings to be of high quality, right? I've got nothing against typing quickly, it's just that, usually, people speed write to get an idea of the scene before they go back and fill in the details.
Anyway, once more into the fray.
1. You don't need to tell the audience where you are, either. Look, lets just make this as simple and broad as possible. All information in the story should be told IN THE STORY. Dates, locations, characters, none of these should ever be explicitly stated at the beginning of a paragraph. Learn to build a scene, not just point at an empty void and shout 'behold, a tree!'
2. Your punctuation could use work, but compared to everything else it's actually kind of hard to notice. Kudos on actually giving speaking people different lines though, that's usually one of my most common suggestions.
3. Witch/draken. Generally you want to avoid using symbols in people's spoken sentences. It tends to slow down reader speed. Witch or Draken just generally sounds better as well, and looks better when written out.
Also, the hell is a draken? Is your character a fighter jet? I once wrote a story about a fighter jet.
4. The word is semi. Not semmy. You'd know this if you had a spell checker.
5. How does your character have two names? Especially when none of her parents are called Heart. Personally, if I was introducing myself to a stranger, explaining this would be one of the first things I say. Even if it wasn't, doing so provides some 'character' to your character and makes them seem less like a one dimensional dot.
And that's all I got, gentlemen. Speak to the crab at the door for my next performance time, he's the agent. -
Actually, I believe they are referring to Drakken, the words best evil genius!
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