Dead alive
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:28pm
Thread Topic: Dead alive
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(it's short)
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(It sounds... Choppy. The sentences seem chopped up like sausage stew. Just kidding, of course, but still. With most of your sentences, you can combine two of the sentences to make it flow better.)
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(I know but some post I don't know what to say)
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(Don't worry. Basically... Do this.
First, a thought.
Then, an action.
Then, the character's thoughts during that action.
Dialogue.
What the character feels about the dialogue.
Repeat.
It's ok if it's short, just try explaining. Such as, put your-self into that situation, and then think about how you'd feel.
Did that help?) -
(yes some)
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(K.)
Luke jogged towards Lilly. Lilly seemed to be a bit in pain. Not serious pain, no, but... Dis-comfort at the least. He cocked his head and just kept at it.
Jerry got up, and looked around. He dashed towards the driver's seat of the pick-up, ripped open the weapon's bag, and took out a sub-machine gun. He felt his blood rushing and wanted to go out with a bang. -
Lilly thought about what luke was looking at. "Me." She said out loud not meaning to. "come on!" She said going to the trail. She looked around seeing it was going to be dark in about a hour. "great!" She thought to herself. "What was live like for you before this?" She asked luke.
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(That's pretty good!)
Luke looked at Lilly. He felt gracious that she was voluntarily speaking to him... But he also felt sad, as he had to re-collect challenging events. "Well... I was in college. Winchester University, to be exact. I had a hard time there, but I succeeded up until my Bachelor's Degree. Then... That's when all the s--- went down." He said, warily, looking at his feet.
Jerry grabbed his gun, and promptly crouched away. He jumped up, in a military pose, and shot 3 walkers that were close in the head. He then sprayed bullets into several other walkers that rambled near the shack. He dashed into the bare opening of the gun-store. -
"Well me? Oh I had a great life. I was going to work at a salon and I got my own house." She laughed a little. "I was going to a all girls school. So we had no trouble but I would go and party with the boys down the road." She laughed again knowing that it might seem a little to funny. She just kinda walked on the trail normal. She still looked up at the sky. She also smiled back at jake who was walking behind them. She kinda watched the ground for no reason. She also looked around for houses but did not see anything. She smiled to herself.
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Luke looked behind at Jake. "Hey. How old are you?" He asked politely. He continued on a small trail, seeing it was a light forest. They were headed for a rather dense forest down west.
Jerry dashed in-side the gun-store and looked vigorously into the barricaded housing. To his right was the gun closet, with several walkers drooling right at him. To his left was the entrance to the 'kitchen'. He just aimed his gun at the walkers, and shot 'em. (I'm going to give this dude a marksmanship of 2.) How-ever, as he nailed 2 walkers down, he wasted 5 bullets and ran out of ammo, having to re-stock. -
(ok)
"12." Jake replied in a nice calm voice. Lilly looked back at luke and jake talking. She started to run. She jumped when a flock of birds flew by. It scared her. She kinda looked around seeing a house. She pointed to it and headed to it. Jake also seen it. They all headed to it. They would have to cut through muddy woods. But lilly did not mind. "Let's head out there." She said to the 2 boys. -
(ok)
"12." Jake replied in a nice calm voice. Lilly looked back at luke and jake talking. She started to run. She jumped when a flock of birds flew by. It scared her. She kinda looked around seeing a house. She pointed to it and headed to it. Jake also seen it. They all headed to it. They would have to cut through muddy woods. But lilly did not mind. "Let's head out there." She said to the 2 boys. -
(Try to reply a bit quicker?)
Lilly nodded, respecting the kid's respect. He liked this group, but wondered where he might find more. How-ever, he looked ahead at an old, dank house. It looked sturdy, and big, but who knew what was in-side.
Before Jerry could perform a re-load, one of the walkers slobbed on top of him, quicker than Jerry thought they could. He grabbed out his knife, and sank it into the monster's head, deep under. Immediately, he grabbed the free stock and gun, and quickly shoved the stock into the gun, killing the rest of the walker. -
(sorry I'm cooking:D)
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(Ooh! Cooking what?)
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