Why I left two years ago
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 18, '17 3:54am
Thread Topic: Why I left two years ago
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I should have died back in 2014. Depression isn't sadness, it's a living hell. I couldn't understand why I couldn't move on from it, and if it was just going to last forever. Nothing worked. Pills don't ultimately work, therapy is just talking to another human being, and I've learned that we can't depend on other human beings to carry us. If I can't carry my burdens, then I can't carry yours. It's not fair to put that burden on someone else.
Relationships were my idea of hope in this world. I thought that if I found the right person I would be happy, but that was never the case. No matter what I did, there was always an emptiness inside me. I need something more than what this world can give me. Two years ago, I sat down at my computer and turned on the Evanscence song "Lithium", and it hit me. I realized that I didn't want to be "sad" anymore. I knew things had to change, because I had two choices. I could either go on living the same way I did and fade away, or I could face the pain head on and learn how to live again.
Back in those days I identified as a Christian, but I didn't live like one. I didn't read the Bible and I made up my own moral code. All I knew was that after a couple years of being a nontheistic agnostic that I believed in God and that the Gospel was beautiful. Sadly, I had gotten so far away from what I supposedly believed, feeling judgment everytime I was around God, and I didn't want to get into debates or conversations because I was a hypocrite. I didn't have the answers because I never sought them.
In 2014 I withdrew from this place. I couldn't focus on anything, and couldn't do the things I used to. I started feeling suicidal again, and retreated to my own world. I made up a false identity and tried to escape reality, but it never worked. As much as I tried to clean up my life, there was always a part of it I prayed God wouldn't touch. That was the part I had to surrender to Him.
Finally one day I fell to my knees, sobbing in the shower, and asked God to take away my addictions. I was tired of looking to romantic relationships and other people for salvation. I had always believed prior to this that in order to "surrender everything to God" you had to live like a monk and give up having a life or identity, something that was very near to impossible. And it is impossible. It is absolutely impossible to do without the Holy Spirit. But when I finally sought God with all my heart, reading the Bible and getting rid of the things that were killing me, my life completely changed. I didn't have to live like a monk, or have no life or identity. I had to give God my life and believe He knew better as to what I need and what I'm made for. I've never regreted this decision.
I'm not hear to tell you a sensationalist story. This isn't some fake hope or gimmick. I tried everything and searched out everything to find meaning and purpose and peace in this world, and the only One who has ever healed me, ever made any difference, is the God of Israel through His Son Jesus Christ. That pain and depression that almost killed me is gone. I would have never believed that I could actually be whole again, but I'm in better shape now than before I had depression.
It's not about going to a certain church, doing religious stuff or giving your money to some televangelist. God isn't impersonal. We were created to be in relationship with Him. No one likes the word "sin", but it kills us. It separates us from a holy, perfect Creator God. Whether we recognize it or not, whether we recognize Him or not, our actions have consequences.
I wanted to write this update because I have never forgotten you guys. I've never stopped loving you or caring about this place. I've never stopped thinking about how each and every one of you have influenced my life and how much I want you to know that there's hope, even if it's not the message you want to hear. I want to truly tell you I'm sorry for when I hurt you or withdrew from this place, that it was never personal and that I hated the fact I could never be there for you.
I wanted to be the one to encourage you to consider the possibility that this world is more than this short life, and that God is real, and that He wants to know you, that He sent His perfect sinless Son to reconcile us to Him. I'm not here to "shove my religion down your throat". I know that many of you have had bad experiences with churches and certain Christians. I have too, but I never found the truth about God from anything other than His Word and Spirit. I had all the same questions, doubts and unbelief, and I'm not the kind of person that just wants to be religious for the sake of being religious. I'm of the belief that something is either true or it's not true, and if it's not true then there's no point in continuing. I'm alive because Jesus lives. I will not only die for Him, but live for Him as well. I'm not afraid to live anymore because I finally have hope that cannot be taken away. -
Le1F Experienced2ldr
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ANA
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Im glad you made it through : )
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