Adventures
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:22pm
Thread Topic: Adventures
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It was an average day. Nothing interesting, except for the birthday of my dad. My sister and I were going to visit for the occasion.
We drove to his house, entered with our gift, and told stories of the shenanigans we had gotten up to. After that, things began to get boring. I had seen a house on the way up, that looked rather rickety. So for the sake of adventure (and my sanity), I suggested we walk down there. So we did.
A mile or two later, we came across the house. Blue house, among a field. Two stories, with lightning rods and storm shelters, big trees and what looked like a chicken coop. A snake wriggled through the grass. Not much interesting here.
We traveled up to the house. The roof caved in, vines overtook the walls. A lone Kool-Aid packet laid in the middle of the room, illuminated by the sunlight coming through the hole in the roof. On the left side, a blue living room, empty except for a TV with decorative wood carvings on it such as from the early sixties. The wallpaper had vines at the top, although the only thing differentiating them from real vines was the repetitive pattern. The kitchen to the right, wooden walls, an old stove, broken stone countertops, glass cabinets that were surprisingly unshattered. We entered through the greenhouse, where descendants of plants long-dead grew wild. A small blue bathroom laid directly ahead of us, but we detoured to the bedrooms just to the left.
"I hear ghosts are in there," our dad muttered. Steep wooden stairs curved around a corner, up to the top bedrooms. We went upstairs to the second of the three rooms. The room we were in was empty except for a crayon drawing, all in blue. It had some unintelligible letters on it, with an image of a monster- maybe an ogre, maybe a yeti, heck, maybe even Sully from Monsters, Inc. I didn't look closely enough. We traveled to the next room, a white one, also free of items except for dust. The only notable thing was eight tally marks on the wall, in blue, just like the drawing. I had no clue what they stood for nor had the intention of getting one.
We drifted over to the final room, a brown, pentagonal one. While the others had no intention of staying for long, an eerie feeling crept over me.
DEAR f---ASAURUS.
There was a person standing by the window. Long hair. Blue dress. Looked about eight years old. All she did was look at me. Cold, staring eyes. Not mean, just...dead. Lonely and dead. The room was as cold as her blank stare. I walked over to the closet, and she actually spoke:
"You shouldn't do that."
Do what? Go in the closet? I asked why, but there was no answer, just the stare again. So me being respectful (and a bit creeped out) I carefully trekked down the stairs. As I turned around to make sure I wasn't being followed, there was the girl again. This time the stare wasn't as chilling, but she asked me a question:
"Before you go, do you know where my mother has gone? She hasn't returned for a long time."
Her mother was probably never going to come back. I simply answered, "No."
With that, I said a few words for the house and its (former) inhabitants, and we left. I could have sworn I saw her watching me from the bedroom window as I walked down the road away from there.
Should I make this into a creepy story? -
The build up is good. But the end seems to be a little cut short. It doesn't have that climactic shock that leaves everyone with questions.
It's just an opinion. But add detail and revise the end and I think you've got the making of a good story. -
I figured it needed more to the end.
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I didn't want to be one of those people who just sit there and say "oh yeah it's good." It drives me crazy when people read my work and don't input anything useful.
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If I wanted only to be praised, I would have said "Now compliment me" at the end.
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That was really engaging and kept me wanting to read more. It would work really well made into creepy story. I got shivers.
I would suggest using a few similes and metaphors to create more of a picture. The reader will be able to capture the intended picture and the story will seem more moving. -
absol heart Novicepretty good. but ya could have put in a tid bit more discription when talking. like how their mouth moves or how they react when frightend.
otherwise awsome. -
The end is too short. Otherwise. It isn't bad.
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Yah, not bad, but end- too short.
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