I want to punch someone.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:18pm
Thread Topic: I want to punch someone.
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It's funny how I've gone from complete depression to anger and depression in a few months. Must be the hormones.
I don't even know why I'm sad anymore, because obviously there has to be a reason. When the urge comes to cut myself.. I take the sharpest pen I have and I draw a butterfly on my wrist. Yet that desire still lingers in me, so much..
Now I'm starting to have a feeling that it's inner rage at myself, not at anyone really. Because I'm always compared to the Russian girl, no matter what.
She's Russian, she's perfect and wonderful.
She's Russian, she's intelligent and will become someone very important.
She's Russian, she's a born genius at piano.
Me?
She's Mexican, she had so many flaws and it shows.
She's Mexican, all she knows how to do is sit back and torture everyone. She won't become much.
She's Mexican, she'll probably become a part of a female mariachi (which I already was) and not really anything else.
It's all played by stereotypes. I know I can't help it, but i wish I weren't the person I was. I think you guys know where I'm going with this. I'm so angry for being who I am, though it can't be helped. I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking I can't achieve high things because of my damn race. I'm sick of being compared to the Russian girl.
She's a wonderful friend and she's such a good person. But they use her against my confidence and sanity.
Thus why I hate myself so much. Because I have to be the disgusting girl I am. I won't become anything big, and I won't succeed at all.
Why?
Because my hopes and dreams were destroyed when I was only 13. You could have at least let me dream. Maybe I wouldn't have become anything so big, but hell I would have tried. Now don't even expect 50% of my effort.
Because unlike you, at this point I do not believe I can put much more effort into my s---.
Thus why I am angry at myself. I give up so easily. But what does it matter, anyway? If I don't become a prodigy here like my parents always wanted (all for the fault of people comparing me..) then I guess I'll just move back to my own country. And the sad truth is that I will live the rest of my years in misery in that disgusting place I'm actually proud to have been born in...
But why?
Because of myself. I couldn't pick myself at a young age, even when people didn't believe in me. It becomes my own fault that I can't do anything, because I was too much of a soft assed p---- .
This probably doesn't even make sense. I'm just so angry and.. depressed.. -
I don't want to lose my baby Calen because of the dips---s of my country. I remember I was told I suck at drawing just because I can't do realism. So that means I suck? No. Because at least I can draw something, unlike the a--hole that said that to me.
You're young, talented, and beautiful in more ways than one. You're not just some Mexican girl to us, you're Alice, Arisu. Even if it's not your real name, that's who you are. The wonderful girl that I can actually trust and love despite our flaws. I dint care what race you are just like you don't care what I am. And any race that doesn't look 'white' has the right to hate Americans after some of the s--- they put people through.
I hate being American, I'm sure you can guess how many times I wish I were something else. Or at least full-blood Native. I wish I were a Japanese male all the time. I feel like I'd have a better chance with getting into PS Company and forming a successful band. But I must be who I am and hope for the best. I remember someone said something about sending in an audition to a company and she said 'I'm not giving you the address either' but it's not even PS Company, so I didn't care. Getting off track here...
Truth is, when people compare you to someone else, you gotta push past it and prove that SOB wrong. It hurts, I know, and it's hard. But I want to be able to see my Alice. My pretty, wonderful Alice that reminds me of myself quite a bit, but still maintains her own person. Or maybe I'm the one that changed, to be more like you. You're sweet yet tough at the same time. I like it when my girl can handle herself, because I won't feel pressured to do everything on my own, most people do that to me. Try to push all their problems and expect me to solve them. I rarely to never talk to those people.
But you're an amazing person and if people there can't recognize, I'll try to make sure you get places. That's why you're coming with us to Japan. What do you to be, Alice? A writer? Artist? Teacher? Musician? Choose and practice what you can while you've got the time and I'll do what I can to help you get there. -
When it all looks bad, you know what you gotta do?
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do you do you swim...
Great words of advice. If you feel bad, I recommend Finding Nemo. -
That is true, Finding Nemo used to always cheer me up, heh.
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(I loved Finding Nemo, just thought I'd say that.)
Oh you guys, why is it that I can't even say how much better I feel now? I mean, I still feel.. upset.. but it's not like I'm still angry about it.
Thank you guys. A lot. For everything. I feel like I have so many stupid problems but you guys have always been there for me, and I appreciate it a lot.
I guess what I learn now is that I just have to shut out what everyone else says and I'll be myself, because if you guys think I'm a good person.. I shouldn't be so bad.
And yes. I will listen to Dory's little life lesson. :'3
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