I..
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:17pm
Thread Topic: I..
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I feel like.. I just feel tight. Like if something is weighing me down.
I guess it's the fact that several people hate me, many even wish I were to die. I don't get that.. What did I do anyway? I can't understand why people can't move away from the past, if I did do something anyway. All these years I was taught to be nice and kind to anyone, to never discriminate or to never be racist, to love everyone and understand their problems. But how can I do it if everyone is doing the opposite? This world is full of rotten people, but apparently people want to get rid of the one that's lost in this place.
Yes, that's finally what I'm going to call this country. This place. I don't understand what rules everyone plays here. When I first came here, I was so excited because my mother told me that L.A was mainly a Latino community. But you come here, and even the immigrants give you that little "Uhg, more of you" look. Then they teach that acting to their children, so then their children go to school acting like that. I feel so lost here because no one is friendly enough to even tell me hi anymore, they despise me and wish I would die. The only people that tell me hi are the people who never grew ignorant, and it's only a select few.
Then here comes the thing that I never go outside anymore. I'm so pale and everything and my mom tells me to go outside, and I don't. I see all the girls outside with their short sleeves and pretty straight hair and their tight clothing and I feel jealous because I could be as pretty as they look dammit. I've said this many times, my arms have this raging infection, my hair is way too curly and it's very short now, and I'm.. fat. That's why I never show myself in public anymore, because I fear that someone will tell me I'm ugly.
And I'm so damn self-conscious. I can't smile anymore because I think my cheeks are too big. I always look angry because people will think I'm easy to pick on if I smile a lot. I never talk to people in fear of being rejected. I've isolated myself from people because I think they won't like me because I don't like myself. You realize that the only people that I think like me are my history and music teachers. I've been reduced to that, seeking some sort of comfort from adults I'm not supposed to even be friends with in this country.
Then it's the same at home, where I have to be the adult at home because my parents are busy quarreling and being stupid. I do the laundry nowadays, I cook, I clean. My mother yells at me because I mess up on the chores, but at least I'm doing them. Why can't she quit fighting a stupid fight and help me out? I've had a pain in my arm for the last week from carrying a basket my mom should have helped me with, and she doesn't even acknowledge me.
Then I feel the loss of the people I loved press on me. From the young man who died at war when I was only four, to the other young man who died when I was older, around 7 or 8, because some drunkass ran over him. I didn't know them both a lot, but if I ever had the chance to tell them one last thing, I would tell them I love them and that I'm proud to have been their little sister. Not just the loss of my immediate family presses on me, but also of the family I didn't know. My grandmother and grandfather who were so excited to meet me because they knew I had resemblance to them. Those dreams had to be thrown away, and though they're always in my heart, I hate myself for letting my mother keep me away from them.
I'm done.. and I feel better. -
You're evidently living through a difficult time in your life. I can definitely relate to some of your feelings and situations here.
Life is 90% how you take it, and 10% what you make of it. For 2012, I'm making my 10% my most happiest and worthwhile in everything I put my hand, mind and soul to do. We're 26 days into the New Year and I've achieved more than I ever anticipated - in all aspects. And many plans that are slowly coming together. I'm taking what God has laid for me in life - negative or positive - and making it something.
VegeKaka, make your 10% something. -
I agree with Leah, you are having a difficult time in your life.
Vege, i bet you are one of the prettiest people. Youre spanish right? I (personally) think that spanish people have amazing feature, hair, eyes, skin color, ect. You dont like you hair curly? I have curly hair. It's pretty hard to work with sometimes but you can make it work, grow it out. Going outside doesnt mean you have to go hangout with people, go for a run or a walk in the park, get some sun on your face!
I know what you mean about losing people, ive never lost immediate family but ive lost: 3 grandparents, great aunts, cousins, uncles, future brother-in-laws, pets ect. It can be hard. But pray. Go to church and say a prayer for every person youve ever lost, then say one for each person youre greatful to have.
The smiling thing? I know exactly what you mean but if you start smiliing i bet people will say, 'wow she has a nice smile' and theyll want to talk to you. theyll want to be your friend.
Ignore the mean people, they will do nothing for you, if you dont like someone stay away from them. Itll make life better, trust me thats what I do.
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