I feel trapped inside
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:13pm
Thread Topic: I feel trapped inside
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When I looked at my life so far I can definitely call myself lucky. I didn't grow up in a poor conditions and I at least feel safe in my neighborhood. But I could have very easily have grown up in bad conditions if it wasn't for my dad's working in the army. My parents have GEDs and before I came along my dad had gotten out of the army and they lived a more difficult life, along with my older brother. When they found out I would soon be born they knew they wouldn't be able to afford things in their current situation, so my dad rejoined the army. And all my life I've known an easier life because my dad has been making the ultimate sacrifice. Not to say military life is always easy, my family and I have also sacrificed having a stable home, worrying for my dad's safety and always changing schools.
But there is something I've been keeping secret for a while now. My parents barely know about it. I was homeschooled up until 3rd grade, that's when I was put in a private school. From the beginning of that school year I was bullied continuously, kept out of any social games and groups, made fun of for not being cool enough, being too ugly or fat, being too nice, and told no one would ever love me. And I took everything so personally it hurt my self esteem badly.
When we moved to Tennessee I started going to public school where I made a best friend and start to regain my confidence. But even during that time between 4th grade and 7th I kept so many things inside, pretty much who I really was in fear of being rejected again. Then half way through 7th grade things changed. I started listening to Green Day, and I started exploring more about what I liked and who I was as a person. But my best friend hated Green Day and started tearing down everything I set my mind to. It was like 3rd grade again, except this time she got her other friends and cousin to play along.
Only this time I wasn't going to take it again. I didn't stop being who I was, friendly and caring to people but A LOT stronger than I once was. When they saw that I wouldn't back down they did complete social isolation and ignored me. Then the summer came and my dad deployed to Afghanistan. He said that we may be able to move to Texas so me and my mom moved down there in advance. That next year was the single greatest year of my life because I finally found people who loved and accepted me for who I was. I grew into the strong outgoing person you know. But then my dad as told we couldn't get orders to move to Texas butthat we would move to Hawaii.
Everything changed for the worse. I couldn't find anyone whom I could relate to in school. I was alone again and my dad's health probs got worse (PTSD plus physical pains). That's why I turned to GTQ and my friends online. It's been my only escape. This, music and Christianity.
I don't know if I should have written all this down to put in the forums, but I needed to get all this out. I've never tried to force my beliefs on anyone (@tongue) I just tried seeing if I could share any good because I've found acceptance and love by God. My words may fail me in trying to explain it, I'm not very good with words verbally or trying to explain something. I'm sorry if I ever offended anyone.
I just wanted to explain why I am who I am today I guess. -
HA! lol, people (including me) are feeling very open, at the moment...ana-kin i respect the person you are. in fact of all the people I've met even in real life your top 5. i respect your firmness without interference, and your faith in Christ, i don't particularly believe but i do respect it in you.
if you offended anybody saying this in the place were it's appropriate to be said they can stick it up butt. :D -
LoL thanks Slim, though I feel like I could have said things better. But idk how anymore. I'm tired and depressed right now so I don't feel like fixing it right now.
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kool ana.
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meh like i said, if peeps can't handle it they should blaze...you said it just fine and i'm glad you did say it....do you feel better having, you know let it out?
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I can still see the effects of the bullying in me. It's hard for me to go out in public, I have horrible social anxiety. And what's worse is I don't have many people in real life I can confide in. I'm pretty close to my parents but this past year there's a lot they don't know about me.
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wow ana.... sounds like me before i cracked.
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A little bit, it feels good to at least have said this =)
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That's what I thought Ork, before I wrote this I start thinking Ana was almost killed today, but this thread gave her at least a pulse again lol
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you had a sudden realization of yourelf and your life. kknowing what effects what has had on you. and most of all, reffering to yourself in third person. so offense, but id give you a month or two bfeore you split.
welcome to the club.
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>.>
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@Ork Haha cool ^^ You know what, I can see a huge change in me. This whole year has been a work in progress. I believe now it's getting close to the completion. I have become so much stronger after enduring a lot of pain. I've started accepting myself for who I am and learning from mistakes.
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hey you guys i gotta go to bed...later
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Night Slimkin
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For me this is going to be like the deer bambi learning to walk again but I can do this, I just need time which is all I seem to have :)
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