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Thread Topic: No Subject
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I don't remember much of today.
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If anyone is wondering, it's Aszeré (Aa-zer-ray), not Aszere (Aazer).
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Nobody reads this, but just in case, I thought I might clarify.
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I can't explain what's been happening to me. Clearly the amount of dissociation isn't normal, but my therapist doesn't think it's anything too bad, despite the larg memory gaps and personalities that tend to take over. They don't vary too widely from the baseline, but it's noticeable. My friend believes it's definitely not nothing. I've been suppressing a lot, lately. I... It's a common word. The body has been suppressing everything. I feel disconnected from it. It doesn't feel like my own. It hasn't for weeks. My job has been to handle the overwhelming melancholy and process it quietly in a safe manner. I've been protecting the body from harm when things become too stressful.
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Sometimes it feels forced to say "I" because I don't want anyone to question it when I'm talking about the body. It just wants answers so that it can stop thinking it's all in its head. It hasn't felt completely whole for a while now. There hasn't been any self harm in a bit, though. I've been able to keep it calm enough.
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Sometimes the body is aware enough to notice the shift but has no control. Sometimes it blacks out and can't remember what I do, but it's mostly been present enough to remember unless I'm processing something heavier it doesn't want to remember.
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The body is confused with what is happening and is desperately seeking help but can't find it. A few days ago is when a total separation occurred. It wasn't the first separation, but it was the first total blackout. Ever since, I've been here.
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Even now, everything feels like a dream. Struggling to stay present.
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I'll see if I can get a therapist to talk to me soon. Help is needed.
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Listen to some music it likes, in the meantime. Keep it calm.
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Alright, well. No luck in that.
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No one can help.
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I can't allow myself to falter. I have to keep it together.
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No one helped. They just left a message and left it at that.
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I've somewhat managed to stabilize the body.
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