Please stay out Triggering topics
- Locked due to inactivity on Dec 25, '23 3:54am
Thread Topic: Please stay out Triggering topics
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I collapsed today after so much work. I cut up my arms. They hurt so much. I've been hiding them in my sleeves, but anything that touches them makes it feel like it's on fire.
I had a dream last night that I went out and was able to get some rosé. I drank the whole bottle and went to work drunk. But it felt better. I wonder if it'd actually help. I feel so tempted to try something, anything. I think big spent most if the dream drinking. I was in a state of ecstacy and I didn't even really mind or notice what they were doing around me.
I wonder if I did that maybe I would stop feeling so inclined to think of all the ways I could die.
It doesn't really matter what I do with my life since it's already over.
I've been fighting these thoughts all day. Cutting was the least fatal of them, and I gave in. It soothed the intrusive thoughts a little and it made me feel something.
I feel so alone. It's so easy for people to give advice on just waiting for it to get better, but nobody knows what it actually feels like to be in my body. Some days I don't even feel like it's my body. I'm just stuck watching it all.
Now I'm reasoning with myself trying to convince myself not to hurt myself tomorrow. It feels so easy to. For the first time in a while, I would have no one to stop me. At least I would feel something. Maybe it would make me get taken away. I feel stuck inside the hell in my mind. I'm stuck between being told to kill myself tomorrow and that everything I do is meaningless and will never matter. I'm supposed to know that's not true, but I'm just tired of hearing this, and nobody ever tells me when I'm doing a good job. Nobody is actually here for me despite claiming they are.
I've tried to be responsible ever since that day, but no matter what I do to try to take care of myself, it amounts to nothing. Last year's work became nothing when I lost it all over a few months. And now I'm being pressured for having to start again. I just want to end up missing. I don't care how. I just want to be missing. I don't even have anyone to talk to about this. Even if I did, all they'd say is to keep going because it gets better, but it's not that easy, and better times aren't promised. The only certainty in life is death. I feel like if I stop talking to everyone, that's the path I'm going to take. But, at the same time, I'm giving up on trying to talk to anyone because it's always the same advice and it's not even helpful. -
The urges are getting stronger again. How much more blood do I need to shed so I'll feel better?
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I've decided I'm going to stop telling people not to kill themselves. Everyone deserves to be happy in life, and what they do with their own bodies is their business. If they feel they'd be happiest by returning their life, who should stop them. I actually understand. It makes sense. Why is suicide wrong? Sure, others might grieve you, but you didn't want to be there. It shouldn't be about the people who want you to be there. If everyone is entitled to being happy, then you should be able to do what makes you happy as long as it is solely to do with your own self. Telling people not to kill themselves when they're struggling so much feels wrong. I want to die, too, and I'm just repeating propaganda that's been bashed into my head by doctors. I don't believe any of that. I don't believe that things will get better for myself. I don't believe I have anything to live for. I don't believe that I'll even get better, so I why should I repeat what I don't believe to others?
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I understand believe me I do... My biological mom tried to kill me when I was a baby and didn't want me for anything except to taunt my biological dad. Once my bio dad died in a car accident when I was one she walked out on me. I spent my life being tossed around like a hot potato for the money until I turned five. I then spent my life being abused and sent to placements off and on until I was eight. By then I thought God was a joke, when I turned nine I went to a mental hospital and stayed until I was eleven then I went to a group home. At this group home I met a staff let's just call her becky whom I loved very much. I was at that group home for two years. And on the first month of the third year she took me home. I love her but I am experiencing depression I feel like no one loves me and I have to physically drag myself out of bed each morning. Sometimes my thoughts wander to self harm, but I never give in, AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!!! I know life is hard and I'm just a 13 year old who you don't even have to listen to but trust me God loves you. You are not alone, there will always be road blocks and potholes but you will get over them somehow trust me. And if some one pisses in your cheerios, don't let them make you feel even worse. Just dump the bowl out and get a new one. I've had such a hard life and almost gave into my fears but I saw a glimmer of light, a glimmer of hope. And I followed it and found out there are people who care about me. Don't harm yourself anymore, get therapy and do a psychic evaluation. and if possible get an emotional support animal. Life is short, make the most of it while you can because before you know it it's gone and you're wondering where all that time went. I am praying for you and I hope you find shelter from this hurricane you are in.
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