My venting thread
- Locked due to inactivity on Oct 3, '23 3:54am
Thread Topic: My venting thread
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I don’t feel like I deserve my friends. I don’t feel like I deserve to have a crush when I’m not over my previous one. I feel like even my friends don’t know who I am. A sad disappointment. A girl who can’t concentrate. A f***ing idiot, a person who doesn’t deserve them a person they probably don’t need in their life. A waste of space. I feel like Matilda, neglected by her parents but I’m not neglected by them they love me. I just can’t seem to love myself. I try and have a closer connection with god and Jesus by being involved in youth group, but all my parents say is “if you’re SO involved in youth group maybe act like it at home!” I’m stupid and hate myself. I can’t do this anymore. I want to just go up to my friend and breakdown crying but I can’t. I can’t cry. I feel like s---. My first crush moved away without telling me even though we were best friends. He’s a f***ing a$$hole. I hate him more than I hate cats and I really hate cats. My new crush I feel like I don’t even deserve to have because I can’t stop crying over my other one. Judah Sheppard, if you are reading this… I f***ing hate you. You are a a$$hole, a d---wad, a b!tch, and just a horrible human being. Not even telling your best friend you were going to leave them when you had so many f***ing chances. You are not a man, you are a boy. You never will be a man because of your wrong doing. While I am a woman at only a young age, you will never be anything more than a man. I hate you. I hate that you made me fall in love with you. To quote all of “Hate you” by jordi-
“ You, say you're sorry more than you are
Would it all be different if you weren't so far
Had me so convinced I was what you wanted
Now I'm crying on the freeway
Overthinking how we fell apart
I'm in the sweater you gave me
But it's not as warm as it used to be
I don't wanna cut you out like this but i think that I got to
Hate how you lied and called it honest
I let you drive and now I'm car sick
Hate knowing that her eyes
Made you forget all about mine
Hate how you loved me in the right ways
How you turned us into a cliche
Hate how you made me fall
Hate how I don't hate you at all
Hate you at all
Hate you at all
I don't hate you
Hate you at all
Hate you at all
Underneath the games you played i know that you're thoughtful
And that only makes this worse, I wish you were awful
I'm in the sweater you gave me
But it's not as warm as it used to be
I don't wanna cut you out like this but i think that I got to
Hate how you lied and called it honest
I let you drive and now I'm car sick
Hate knowing that her eyes
Made you forget all about mine
Hate how you loved me in the right ways
How you turned us into a cliche
Hate how you made me fall
Hate how I don't hate you at all
Hate you at all
Hate you at all
I don't hate you
Hate you at all
Hate you at all
Maybe it was all too much
Maybe it was never love
Either way it was enough to mess me up
Hate how you lied and called it honest
I let you drive and now I'm car sick
Hate knowing that her eyes
Made you forget all about mine
Hate how you loved me in the right ways
How you turned us into a cliche
Hate how you made me fall
Hate how I don't hate you at all
Hate you at all
Hate you at all
I don't hate you
Hate you at all
Hate you at all
I don't hate you”
Except I do kinda hate you. I hate that you made me fall in love with your amazingly beautiful blue eyes and fall in love with your gorgeous shiny blonde hair, how you made me fall in love with that sweet face of yours. I hate that you don’t even feel sorry about it. I hate that I still dream about you at night like you are so close to me. I hate that I cry myself to sleep because of you. I hate that I still daydream about you. I hate that you will never feel sorry for me I hate that I will never feel sorry for you.
Now for my new crush who I will be exposing right now. Owen D. if you are reading this… I-I think I’m in love with you. I don’t actually know if I am but it feels real. I love how you were so sweet to me even in 3rd grade. You are the thing that keeps me from falling apart. Every time I see you butterflies fill me and everytime I hear your voice it’s like the first time. -
Now I’m sad because all my friends get to go to our church summer camp together. Scoliosis is so unfair like it’s not my fault my spine is a f***ing a$$hole
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My friends get back from camp today but I still feel stupid. I have youth group on Wednesday so that will be fun I get to see Owen so I’m freaking out. I know I shouldn’t change for a guy because he should like me for me and I won’t change for him but I still wanna look good for him. So I have literally tried 500 different hairstyles and 15 different makeup looks and I still hate how I look. I want to look good but not like a try hard especially because at youth group this week is going to be “Camp stories and ice cream” I don’t even look cute in most of my clothes so I don’t know what I’m gonna wear. My hair looks decent down but only curled or kinda pinned back and my bangs are gonna be all over the place. If I go with my hair in 2 braids I’m going to look like I’m in 3rd grade again because that’s all I wore in 3rd grade and if I wear it in one braid I’m going to look like I didn’t even try!
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My cutest clothes a freaking Lululemon and I don’t like stuff with logos because if you need a logo to make a outfit look good then the outfit doesn’t look good so that makes me really mad because my mom never lets me buy any cute clothes that I like because she wants to rule my life or something
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I hate it but I’m still going to youth group I don’t even know what jewelry I’m wearing and I want it wear my great-grandmothers necklace but my mom saying it’s to “fancy” and that I’m going to break it. Like if you think I’m gonna break it and you won’t let me wear it then you have it! I don’t want her too but still! Anyways ima go shower and then come back peace
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Great. When I try out a new hairstyle, my mom goes and decides she hates it because it’s messy even though I said I could fix it! Like what the hell!
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My brother is stupid as f***
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I can’t tell if I’m in love with Owen or if I just like him. I told him I’ve had a crush on him since I met him and he just said “umm ok good to know”! Like when I tell you something like I’ve liked you since we met and I haven’t told you because I was scared but I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I expect at least a “I don’t feel the same way about you sorry” that’s it! That’s all I need! Not umm ok good to know. I literally just told you I’ve had a crush on you since third grade and a few years later, I still fell for the same dorky, glasses wearing, art loving, blonde hair with gorgeous blue eyes that drew me in the second I met you, amazing sweet, guy you are today. The only thing that’s changed with you is that now you don’t have glasses and you’re tall as hell. I still fell for you and i feel that my feelings are valid and that I deserve an answer of how you feel about me not just a ok good to know. And yesterday, I felt like I fell for the same dorky art lover that I fell for at such a young age. My life was filled with hurt and sadness that I felt like I was drowning in heartbreak, until you showed up and asked me if I went to that same school that I fell for you that same school that I would wake up early to go to a art club mostly just to see you. Now I don’t wake up early every Wednesday morning to go to art club just to see you, I go to bed late every Wednesday night because I had such a great time talking to you. And that might only consist of us saying a simple “hi” to each other. It makes my whole week to see that dorky smile that has stayed the same. To feel that sweet love that has stayed the same. To see that stupid blue shirt you always wear that compliments your hair and eyes so nicely. To see the guy I fell for and still fall for every single time I see you, even if I have to look up to see you because you’re tall as hell. My love for you has stayed the same just like the excitement of seeing you every single Wednesday. Other than that mostly everything has changed. School, height, style, hair, life everything. I’ve changed and I feel that I don’t deserve you anymore because you are still the same guy that you were in third grade. I am a new person who is concerned with so many things that I shouldn’t be concerned about it’s sad.
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Why won’t he text me back. I texted him a really personal message and he still won’t text me back. He must not care about my grandpa being in a car accident. Or maybe he just doesn’t care about me. I can’t write a song about it because that would be creepy. I can’t write a song about him without thinking about his stupid dorky smile that drew me in the second we met. I can’t think about him without think about the words “I’ve had a crush on you since 3rd grade” coming out of my mouth and his eyes becoming the exact same as this emoji 😳. And all he could say was “good to know” must mean there is something wrong with me. Or maybe he just doesn’t feel the same way about me because I’m a weird stupid girl who is 4’11 even when she’s not in 3rd grade anymore. Maybe it’s because I can’t do anything right. Maybe it’s because I’m me and I’m proud to be me. Maybe he doesn’t like me because I’m me. Maybe I waited too long to tell him and I ruined everything in less than a minute of my life. Maybe I screwed up everything just so I could stop caring a weight on my shoulders only to feel a heavier weight be dropped on them the second I realized what I had done. Maybe I need to stop being me to be accepted by him maybe he’s not the dorky cute sweet amazing guy I fell for, maybe I’ll have to go through it all again. Maybe the next 8 months of my life, will be just like before. Trying to get over him and a year later I’m finally getting better and I’m finally starting to feel courage.
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I’m tempted to tell my friend to ask mrs. Curtis “hey mrs Curtis! I have something to ask you. Is telling your crush you like them only for them to barely reply enough confidence for you? Is maybe having to go through another 8 months of heartbreak just because you screwed everything up with someone in less than a minute confident enough for you? Is trying not to cry in front of a million people who love you and want you to be open with them but you can’t because you can’t even be open with yourself but you still try confident enough for you? Is feeling like everyone hates you and you have no one no one at all to go to after you get your heartbroken so many damn times courage enough for you? Is everyone turning their backs on you just to be friends with your bully just because they want to hurt you but you still put on a strong face and brave through it while all the people who you thought were your friends are standing there in silence while you are getting yelled at for being to slow or for wearing glasses even when the person who is screaming at you wears glasses courage enough for you? Is doing all of this within a year good enough for you? Or do I need to add more because I got a whole list of things that have happened and I could stay here all day asking you. So tell me is it enough for you or are you going to say ‘you gotta keep getting back on the horse when you fall off’ because sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you have to stay on the ground and cry. You can’t just keep getting back on the horse because if you don’t take some time, it’ll keep happening. You don’t get your heartbroken and just go get it broken again right? [insert my name] kept getting back on the horse to prove to you she was enough she kept getting on the horse to prove she could do it. She couldn’t. She got heartbroken and just started getting over him 8 months later. She told her crush she had a crush on him since they met and they met in 3rd grade. All he said was ‘umm ok good to know’ she can’t even think about him without think about how much she screwed up. She tried to prove something to you. All she did was hurt herself” that was really long but it’s true. I want to ask her if all I did was confident enough I want to ask her if I am enough for her. Because she always made me feel like I had to get back on the horse right after I fell. And all that did was make me even more heartbroken and when I finally got over him. It all started again. I got back on the horse to fast. I made myself look like a fool and f***ed over my whole relationship with my best friend. I got back on the horse to fast. So tell me Curtis Clayton if you are reading this. Am I enough for you? Do I have the confidence you wanted me to? Or am I just heartbroken for the sole purpose of getting you to be proud of me. So are you? Or am I just another disappointment?
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I had a dream about him last night. It starts out by him transferring to my school. The teacher says we have a new student I’m not really interested in it till she says his name. It’s clear but blurs my mind. He walks in with his dorky smile and looks right at me. His dorky smile becomes even dorkier. I could tell he was bursting with excitement. The teacher tells him to take a seat next to me. He walks over as eager as can be. All the class staring at me as I mimic his dorky smile. When he sits down he whispers hello to me. We are so close together that is start to blush while I’m yelling at myself to stop and finally it works. He’s so happy considering what I told him that summer in reality it was only a few days ago. The dream starts to blur as I start to wake. All I can remember is that it ends when we reach the last grade and he kisses me it’s almost like a movie that goes through all the years we spend together. I don’t know if we end up together. All I know is that I will finish that dream tonight even if I have to go to bed now I will. I need to know what happens I need to know if it ends up being a happy ending or not. I need to know if he ever texts me back. I love him. And in that dream he is mine. I want him to be mine. Is that selfish of me? Is it selfish to want someone who doesn’t love you back? Is it wrong to feel this for someone only to feel horrible when everything you ever hoped would not happen becomes a reality? Is it wrong to love someone who doesn’t love you back and now that you know that you for some stupid idiotic reason love them more? Will Owen Dodd ever love me like I love him, like I’ve loved him since third grade? Is it wrong for me to want to finish a dream that makes everything you want come true? Is it wrong to love him? Because then I guess that I’m wrong because I love him more than he will ever know.
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I just want him to love me is that so wrong. I just want him to like me back if that. I just want him to text me. I mean texting me would be the bare minimum because I literally said “hey Owen my grandpa was in a car accident” like what the f--- man. All I want is for you to love me all I want is for you to be mine. All I want is for you because I’m in love with you. I always have been ever since I met you I took one look at your god damn eyes and see an amazing person I see you now I love you and I only want you. You. That’s it. You are an amazing guy and I am just a stupid girl so why would you want me? I don’t know. And if that’s selfish of me I guess I’m selfish. Because I will never forget you. No matter what.
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I love you Owen Dodd but I know you don’t love me. So looks like I got 8 more months of heartbreak from you. 2 guys within a year and just with heartbreak. My life is amazing. 😖😣😖😖😢😭🥺😣
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I feel like a f**king idiot. I send him a video of “arcade” and then I delete the f**king conversation. I’m going to youth group tomorrow and there is a 75% chance that I see him. I don’t want to see him but I want to go I want to see him but I hate him. I’ve had fantasies that I make up with him and that we start dating. All of them end with me crying in my bed thinking “how the hell did I mess up this bad? How did I just let him go? What if he was grounded and couldn’t text me? No because if he was grounded that would mean he’s not the same person I fell in love with.” I can’t sleep. I feel numb inside. The only pain I can feel is my eyes after I wake up from crying myself to sleep and the cramps I have for struggling yet again with PMS symptoms. I feel like I have depression but I know the reason I’m sad, him. When he didn’t know I would dream about us being in a happy relationship and we get married have 4 kids, 2 girls and 2 boys. Now those dreams are gone and replaced with me roasting him on the goddamn playground at my middle school because luck me both him a Judah transfer there. Then it turns into us just being together. I’m happy and so is he. And then I wake up. And I start to cry and fall back asleep till 2 pm. I’ve been waking up at 9 and 10 and then crying myself to sleep until I wake up to late. And then I go to be and 3 or 4 am. And all I feel is numb and hurt and tired and just f**ked up. I feel like s--- all the time. And I just can’t believe that people my age are going through this just like me and I’m b!tching about it while they’re going through this and dealing with it. I love him. But I’m not supposed to love him I guess. And that’s the end of the matter. I love someone I’m not supposed to love. We’ve seen this movie before. Maybe this time it’ll play out differently.
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I feel like I’m going to be fine. Owen is not the same guy I fell for. I may finally be getting over him. Part 2 of (you know what as long as people don’t look at this thread I’m just gonna say my f**king name) Sydney’s crushes and heartbreak may be much shorter than part 1.
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