Black holes in the dead of night
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 30, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: Black holes in the dead of night
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I really needed to vent, so I just made this. <3
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I hate myself so much. I wish people would understand the reason why I'm so harsh to them.
What am I supposed to do? Fake a smile, again?
I'm not going through the pain of faking a smile, again...
I've faked a smile for far too long, and now it's time to be myself.
Holding it in won't help, but instead make it worse.
My depression is changing me, and I feel like I'm being eaten day by day, night by night.
My anxiety is shaping me into a habit of fear.
I feel like I can't get out of bed in the mornings, specifically because of my mental health. -
Heh...
Here's my timeline.
Age 6 & 7: Happy
Age 8 & 9: Unsure, neautral
Age 10: Sad, depressed, attempted first suicide
Age 11: Sad, depressed, extremely suicidal, lonely, empty, attempted second and third suicide
Age etc.: Parents took away knives and other sharp things, trying to find something to hurt myself
Age etc.: Sadness begins to form into anger
Age etc.: Begins to lose emotions
Etc, etc, etc.
Now: Angry, sad, depressed, lonely, empty, suicidal, a little emotionless, hurt -
I can't even talk to anyone in real life without snapping.
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And all I can blame is myself...
It's my fault for being born.
It's my fault for being so hesitant in killing myself.
It's my fault for wasting people's time.
It's my fault for being a loner by heart.
It's my fault for allowing depression to eat me up.
It's my fault for smiling.
It's my fault for crying.
It's my fault for yelling.
It's my fault for eating.
It's my fault for wishing for things.
It's my fault for being a mistake.
It's my fault for being born ugly.
It's my fault for having a non-unique sort of personality.
Everything is all my fault... -
I'm thankful to those who helped me in the time I needed it most...
But I know that's not all of you.
That's why I'm just here to say, even if nobody cares, and nobody wishes to listen, I'm done.
I'm done with my life. I'm done with the fake smiles. I'm done with the hurt, pain, anger, and sadness.
I found a knife, finally. Haha, seems like the parents forgot to replace the kitchen knives!
Well, to those who are listening, I'll write a goodbye note here in a second... -
NO
ECLIPSE PLEASE DON’T KILL YOURSELF -
Goodbye, everyone! To those who helped me, to those who ignored me, to those who caused me grief, to those who caused me anger, and to those who caused me joy...
Thank you all so much.
Thank you,
For listening to me vent and helping me when I needed it most.
Thank you,
For encouraging me in my writing, whether it be books, drawing, or writing songs.
Thank you,
For being the best friends I could have wished for.
Thank you,
For sticking by my side in the times of rain and grief.
Thank you,
For everything.
With all love and sincerety,
~ Eclipse ~ -
NO ECLIPSE PLEASE NO
EVEN IF LIFE IS HORRIBLE NOW DONT END IT ALL -
THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, EVEN IF IT IS GOING DOWNHILL IT WILL ALL GET BETTER EVENTUALLY
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ECLIPSE PLEASE NO, OH GOD NO! PLEASE DON’T!
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ECLIPSE?! OH MY GOD! PLEASE DON’T
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ECLIPSE I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU LEAVE ME I WILL FIND A WAY TO DRAG YOU BACK HERE
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DAMN IT! IF I HAD BEEN HERE EARLIER I COULD HAVE SAVED YOU! I’M SO SORRY
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i completely understand, empathize, and in some ways relate to your experiences; you are not alone and you never will be. you’re a really lovely and wondrous person and i truly believe you have endless satisfaction and happiness eventually. you have that magic and miracle waiting to be open. things are tough but you are tougher, and i absolutely mean it.
i can sincerely say that with no hesitation whatsoever.
the su¡c¡d3 hotline is: 800-273-8255 and you can even text it if you cannot call. there are resources online with some help with support like this one if needed.
you mentioned your best friends are here and they and we as well will be here, loving and caring as we can. lean on the support you need when you need it. please?
if you’re checking the thread, please, pretty please (👉👈) hang on. for the full contentment that you deserve that is equally waiting for you. 💖
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