I just got back from grief counseling.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:20pm
Thread Topic: I just got back from grief counseling.
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I've never been this broken.
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X hugs alana X
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;-; *huggles tight*
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*huggles forever*
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*hugs* We decorated her locker; we're going to retire it and have it be a permanent memorial. We were all crying in each others' arms... It was four hours, all spent teary-eyed and mourning. At 12, we went outside to the memorial garden and made a circle, holding hands. We all sang her 'I Know Where I've Been', the last song we all sang together at show choir camp before she...
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Awwww.... well, it's good that you did that for her. She'd have loved that, I bet. Remember her as another soprano or mezzo soprano or alto in the choir and a good friend, not as she was in her last hours.
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She was loved. That's a beautiful thing at least, in all this heartache. The legacy one leaves means a lot. I know how hard this is for you, dear. I just want you to find some peace. Nothing can hurt her anymore.
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(turns self invisible and starts snapping photos)
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She was an alto. It's so hard to accept that she's gone. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is all part of God's plan for her, that she's better up in Heaven. Even then, I keep searching for a reason, for something to blame. This was all so sudden and abrupt; they still don't know what caused her death. I'm going to write her a song and recruit some people from show choir to sing it with me. We're also going to sing at her funeral service; her parents gave us the go ahead.
Dance class will be impossible. Dance was her escape from reality; you could see it in her eyes how much she loved it. I just can't imagine dancing in the same studio where she had her last dance or going to school where she took her final breaths... I can't imagine going back to that very auditorium for summer theater. It's too much. I can't remind myself of those few moments where she was slipping away... I just can't.
All of the good times are running on repeat in my head. She deserved better than this. She was the most pure, wholesome, kind, and beautiful person I've ever known, inside and out. She still is.
I had a dream last night during the few hours that I could slip into subconsciousness. We were at show choir, and everything was dead silent. We were all sitting in that room, staring blankly into space. Then, she was sitting next to me. She put her hand on my shoulder and whispered, "Courage, Alana. Courage," just like she always used to do before shows and when I was going through a hard time. Then she smiled and walked away, her blond ringlets bouncing as she did. I miss her so much, and it tears me to shreds knowing that she won't be there when I go to dance class, or the high school, or even when I wake up tomorrow. My forearm is bright red from all of the times I've pinched it in an effort to wake up from this nightmare. I wish it was all that simple, that I could just wake up from this and it will all be back to the way it was. I wish she was still here. She never deserved to go. -
I really don't know what to say, other than that she was lucky to have a friend like you. But I know that in time, you'll feel better. You'll still miss her, and you'll still be sad from time to time. But eventually, the pain and sorrow will lessen. Until that happens, we're here. Hannah's life may have been short, but it was meaningful. She used her small time on this planet well.
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She definitely did. She made such a difference in so many people's lives, including mine. I'd rather hurt than feel nothing. At least I know I'm not losing myself too, that way.
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That dream, I believe that's exactly what she would tell you right now. She loves you all just as much, and wouldn't want you to be sad for her. It's confusing, how we don't understand why such good, wonderful people have to die. That we won't have that friend to see and turn to during the day, and to share another moment with. It's scary, like there's an emptiness where something should be.
But she's safe now, from whatever sickness she held, whatever pains she had. She has the answers to all of what has happened, the whys, and she's at peace. We, still here on earth, don't comprehend it and feel lost and hurt, but she would tell you to be strong, have courage. *hugs tight* I love you, Lanai. Everything will be okay. Don't put so much stress on yourself. -
And, I'm sure she knew how much she meant to everyone around her.
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*hugs* Thank you, Ana. I'll try. You have no idea how comforting it is to know you guys are here, that someone is here. I love you, too.
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It's never a problem, dear. We're always here for you.
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