A Bar In The Sky
Thread Topic: A Bar In The Sky
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Max0r: So, at least 9 seconds happen, and Ride Inside is driving to Hell, all the while taking his eyes off the road with some CNN.
Raiden: Oh, sweet! My programming is on!
[Super Idol Spongebob plays in the car]
Raiden: You know, America isn't so bad after all. After being in Mexico for so long, I'm starting to miss how peaceful it can be, especially the police.
[a police officer suddenly shoots at Raiden and swerves into him]
—Raiden's entry into Denver after the Mexican Sewer Level
Max0r: Raiden evades the evil forces of Big Sobriety as they attempt to suppress another innocent drunk driver, careening through the nightmare known as Denver before encountering the police budget. (a police officer shoots Raiden's car with a rocket launcher, flipping it over) And showing off his... (Raiden kicks out the driver's side window) toned legs.
Captain: Wait a second, boys. He's white.
Raiden: I'm sorry, officer. I was so busy playing League of Legends.
Captain: All right, I've heard enough. Deadly force authorized. [all the cops prepare their stun batons]
Raiden: Oh f---.
Jetstream Sam: What's up, gamers?
Raiden: Goddamn it.
Sam: Let me tell you something important, Raiden. You're a normie, and a beta male cuck.
Raiden: I'm only here to dispense justice.
Sam: That's CRINGE Jack, and your setup is weak. You can't even project yourself onto a building, or a billboard.
Raiden: Your clout doesn't mean anything. It's worthless.
Sam: Cope and seethe, Jack. Why don't you go back to Facebook and post some Minion memes?The memes, Jack!
Raiden: No, that's not the point!
Sam: Do you see now? All this murder and you still aren't based.
Raiden: You b------.
Sam: Shut. The f--- up, and listen for a moment.
Cop 1: [Oh my god, it's the cringe nae nae baby.]
Cop 2: Stop right there. [wtf is wrong with his hair?]
Raiden: What are you doing?
Cop 1: [He looks like Sonic impregnated a vending machine.]
Raiden: No! Stop it!
Cop 2: [He even has a fake chin!
[Raiden gets knocked down by the two cops]
Sam: Do you see now, Jack? How can a cringelord like you ever hope to kill my police officers?
[Raiden proceeds to slaughter several officers]
Sam: Oh f---.
Monsoon: (real in-game dialogue) Free will is a myth. Religion is a joke. We're all pawns controlled by something greater. Memes. (Seriously) The DNA of the soul. They are our culture. Our clout.
Raiden: How about full of s---, is that a meme?
Monsoon: No it f---ing isn't, you amoeba. You'll never be based with memes like that.
Raiden: You're right. About me, I mean.
Monsoon: What?
Raiden: I thought I could be just like you, but... That is a mistake. Perhaps I am cringe, but that makes me free!
Monsoon: That's sus!
[a soldier impales Raiden]
Raiden: Doktor, turn off my Cringe Inhibitors!
Doktor: But Raiden, you'll lose subscriber.
Raiden: Do it!
Doktor: Ok. [Raiden's Ripper Mode is unlocked]
Raiden: Aaah, I was f---ing joking! Why did you do it?!
Monsoon: You think you can just log off, Jack?
Raiden: I'm starting to see what you're getting at. And if based means what I think it means, then caring about your s---ty posts is a long way off!
Monsoon: That's rich coming from the likes of you.
Raiden: Family Guy Funny Moments.
"In this boss fight against the Monsus Battle Bus, Raiden rages against the moral degeneracy of violence in movies and sex on TV, using his good old fashioned values upon which he used to rely. During which we are subjected to an onslaught of average speed... for a cheetah, demanding the absolute most of the player to survive the Human Spaghetti. So if you thought Blade Wolf was a real fun boss to parry, then I've got news for you. We've got more edge in this fight than Bloodborne on the PlayStation 1. Monsoon can f---ing teleport, he throws helicopters for fun, and his preferred method of dodging is self-bisection. He knows he's three edges away from being a Sonic OC, and you know what? I f---ing dig it."
—Max0r on the Monsoon boss fight
Max0r: Thank you, thank you. I spent 4 days editing that. Now excuse me while I take this call.
Monsoon: The memes.
Raiden: You are decapitated. Don't worry; it's just a little trolling. Right? (:
Monsoon: Do not repost my memes back at me.
Raiden: Oh I wouldn't worry about that, (real in-game dialogue) because your memes end here. -
"Metal Gear Rising: Sons of Delivery and DiGiorno is my favourite political and economic simulator, well intended to teach the player the basics of price slashing and how to best divide the country as quickly as possible. The answer, of course, is manually. In this visually engaging stock market index, we play as Jack the Wood Chipper, a man (probably) on a quest to renew the job market one life at a time. So if you've seen Part 1 of my philosophically charged essay on the deep and interesting Metal Gear lore (which I totally understand), then welcome back. And if you're viewing this series for the first time, well that's technically okay. You're just gonna be more confused than an American at a salad bar."
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Max0r: Last time on Metal Gear Raisin: Guns of the Priests...
[The entire previous video plays in the span of about two seconds]
Max0r: But, as for now, our protagonist Raiden With Biden is forced to argue with a decapitated head about memes. That's not made up. I know the rest is made up, but that's genui-
Monsoon: Apple bottom jeans, Raiden.
Raiden: What?
Monsoon: Boots with the fur.
note Fresh off his adventures to the Orange Dimension,note and the insides of American police, it's up to our hero to avenge Obama's death through the slaughter of the unmelinated, learning the meaning of based. Through many trials, tribulations, and his guest seat at the Joe Rogan podcast, finally finding himself at the entrance to Amazon Warehouses (World Marshal) with manageable stab wounds.
—Max0r detailing Raiden preparing to storm Amazon, aka World Marshal
Max0r: Oh golly oh gee oh Gillibrand, I can't wait to see what the game has in store for me now after those long combat arenas. (Raiden is confronted by BD Mistral with a snippet of Megalovania) What? So I want everyone to meet my cool and original boss design named Mistral. This is essentially what the Patriots were doing the entire time. AI Dennis Prager was a distraction. These f---ers were synthesizing vTubers, so now we're forced to fight their robotic fleshlight and her huge testicles. This battle serves as a great moment to see just how far you've come as a player, both in ability and tolerance for the best game mechanic. Don't worry though, I'm still very bad. (BD Mistral whips Raiden up and down killing him during one of the failed attempts) Thank god that s---'s over. Now we can move on—
BD Monsoon: Hello Raiden!
Max0r: Goddamn it! Really bold move making me fight Monsoon again after twenty minutes. And yeah, that includes the pants attack. f---ing Skeletron Prime looking ass.
BD Monsoon: I guess you could say a good meme never dies, Jack!
Max0r: God please take me out of this hellhole. I've had enough memes today. Look it's Shadow and he's, uh, nice cock! (The final rating for the battle is A) Pretend you didn't see anything today.
—Max0r narrating the BD Mistral/Monsoon Boss Rush
Sundowner/Buff Bezos: Well well well, if it ain't the Feds.
Raiden: Unhand these brains, Jeff. They're children.
Sundowner: And kids are cruel, Jack. They just lose touch with it at the ripe old age of twelve.
Raiden: Wait, what?
Sundowner: "War crime" this, "can't eat the drywall" that. Microwaving mice is wrong, they say.
Raiden: What the f---?
Sundowner: (pulls one of the brains out) Not to worry. Kids love video games. That's why I got 'em all set up spinning the wheel on my favorite gacha games. How else is a man supposed to make his... impact~?
Raiden: You refrigerated a preschool for f---ing jpegs?
Sundowner: Heh heh heh heh. You think I made the market for Ganyu, Jack? Like every casino's just a big old conspiracy? Bulls---! Gambling's just a part of who we are. I just market it to sexy children. Besides, demand for my products is about to skyrocket. (Real in-game dialogue) Like the good old days after 9-11!
Raiden: Wait a minute. 9/11 is bad.
Sundowner: Speak for yourself. Let's debate this on the roof.
Sundowner: Looks like you're a gacha player at heart.
Raiden: Is that because of my brain damage?
Sundowner: No, it's because you go after children. And there ain't enough room in this pre-school for the two of us.
[Sundowner's "woman deflectors" activate]
Sundowner: Like I said - kids are cruel, Jack. And I love minors!
"Welcome to- to... the b------. Featuring his tax shield. This battle is comprised of two distinct distinct phases, each one easier than the last. And for some reason, a helicopter. Go-go gadget, concealed carry. In his first phase, we simulate beating to death a cheeky goblin using money to compensate for his lack of human empathy. And by the second phase, it's quite obvious why he does it. This means it's up to us to cut each shield individually so we can play the game. And yes, you explode when you miss. Not only this, but his health is the length of a Cambodian life. In 1977. Meaning once you get past that, the fight is basically over. In fact, it's quite easy to not get past his shields, ever, and straight up kill him the funnular entertainament way featuring Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bong Sorority. But if you do this, you're basically annihilating all enjoyment from orbit. I personally recommend standing there and waiting for Jeff to- er, present. So enjoy that second phase while you can, because this music is a gift from God."
— Max0r narrating the Sundowner boss fight -
Blade Wolf: Oh so NOW you decide to stop.
Raiden: I'm running late.
Jetstream Sam: Oh don't worry, Raiden. The clown college is closer than you think.
Raiden: Yeah, it's right in front of me.
Sam: Heh heh heh heh. Kill yourself. Your ass will always be cringe, and my ass will always be thicc.
Raiden: 497 North Parker Drive.
Sam: Oh good, heh heh. You're getting more based by the day. But I live with my mother.
Blade Wolf: Is this her house?
(Blade Wolf shows a picture of Sam's mother's house. Raiden and Sam draw their swords, preparing to fight.)
Max0r: In this duel between two equally matched swordsmen of various speeds, it's up to us to defeat the weakest Brazilian male. This guy's out here making the rainforest look like a f---ing joke, and the best part is there's no bulls--- in this fight. No minions, no shields, no Monsoon telling me about Among Us. It's just you, the sunset and the soil. This is the best boss ever holy s---. Raiden disarms Wham Slam Bam Sam which causes him to lose his Mcf---ing marbles and somehow make the fight harder. I mean he straight up punches you like he's a goddamn yakuza.
Sam: Hey Raiden! Look at this cool bug I found! (Sam grabs Raiden and plants him into the ground) Oh, Raiden. No need to flip out! (Sam judo throws him over his shoulder)
Max0r: Dude's got thunder thighs bigger than the power grid. Sam will test every single neuron in your corpus callosum with unrelenting and dangerous attacks strong enough to burn a hole in my Adderall supply. It's not a drug problem, it's a drug solution. And that is just phase one. God help you when he picks up that sword again.
—Max0r narrating the Jetstream Sam duel
Sam: Guess I don't have a choice... I challenge you to a debate.
Raiden: What the f---? No.
[Sam "dies of cringe" while the Super Mario Sunshine death music plays]
"So Raiden goes to inspect his kill like a cat, only to realize that he has no cybernetic enhancement. This man dunked on Raiden harder than Kobe after (Raiden) threw an EVA unit, and he did it by juicing. Raiden steals his Clifford the big red sword with a five-star gacha rarity and 33% crit rate. (Raiden begins running towards the air base) Raiden, you have a motorcycle. Why are you sprinting there?"
—Max0r summing up the aftermath of the Jetstream Sam fight -
"You might notice something funny about this level. It's um... it's three rooms. The developers f---ing gave up, so... so do I. Raiden plays the real game until he meets the cast of iCarly. Our whole universe was in a hot dense state when nearly 14 million years ago, Raiden discovers his dog after being made into a Family Guy episode."
— Max0r narrating over the game's penultimate mission
[Metal Gear EXCELSUS's Idolmaster music plays.]
Raiden: What the f---?
Armstrong: Nothing. Well if it isn't sussy Jack (has a mental breakdown).
Raiden: Bro are you high?
Armstrong: Let me check. Yes. High on American spirit. And there's nothing more American (has a mental breakdown).
Armstrong: And there's nothing more American than shooting a man in this Walmart of a world.
Raiden: What is Walmart?
Armstrong: It's heaven Raiden. (Real in-game dialogue) Check the internet lately?
Boris: Raiden, hop on Twitter. You need to see this.
Raiden: f---, I hate this website.
"I physically cannot stop myself from spending my life's savings on Genshin Impact"
"My d--- is absolutely f---ing RAW for Suisei I will die soon."
"Please have a lot of sex with me Kiryu Coco"
"selling vtuber feet pic cryptocurrency today"
Boris: It's all f---ing weebs---, Raiden! It doesn't make any sense! They're being distracted with utter nonsense!
Armstrong: These baboons don't even know they're at war with Pakistan.
Raiden: This one's calling me a "Redditor".
Armstrong: And that's just the beginning. E-girls, gacha, memes, all just petty distractions so real men can get down to business.
Raiden: Amogus.
Armstrong: And as you know, American Imperialism is absolutely justified because we had a black President once. Before I f---ing killed him.
Raiden: That's a nice argument, Senator. Why don't you back it up with a source?
Armstrong: My source is that I made it the f--- up. Imagine a world free of cancel culture. Where no one can call me out for my outlandish claims. A world where I can say the N-word!
[Beat]
Raiden: What?
Armstrong: (Ever harassed a minority Raiden)?
Raiden: No.
Armstrong: Catch.
(Armstrong throws his cigar at Raiden which he slashes away)
Armstrong: I've got my own to debate online.
me preparing to harass the minorities who live in my computer
Illuminati theme
IM GAMEING
SHUT UP MOM
In this battle against Microsoft Excel, we are faced with a boss too large to be fun and are relegated to enduring his onslaught from inside of the forever box. This battle is a classic case of "wait for him to do anything," just like Congress. And like Congress, when he does do something, it usually hurts you. (Raiden gets stomped on and killed by Excelsus) Fortunately this music is excellent and fits 1:1 with "All I Want for Christmas." (Collective Consciousness is played to the tune of All I Want For Christmas) I'm not joking. Although for some reason, Raiden can parry several tons of crush force™. Maybe my sister could've done that against my stepdad.note Raiden suplexes the giant lobster for the second time today, then he yanks off his arm to have a... (Raiden gets into a Blade Lock with Excelsus) sword fight with it. Every other game is now worse because they don't have this.
—Max0r narrating the Metal Gear EXCELSUS battle
Armstrong: Hope you can afford healthcare, Raiden, 'cause the taxpayer can't!
(Armstrong sends Raiden flying and screaming)
Max0r: It's funny because thousands of people die.
Armstrong: (Real in-game dialogue) Don't f--- with THIS Senator!
(kicks Raiden into the EXCELSUS cockpit pod as cheering is heard)
This cheering is part of the original in-game audio.
Raiden: Typical politician. All cock, but no come.
Armstrong: What?
Raiden: Land of Opportunity? American Dream? It's all bulls---! The success of a nation is determined by materialistic and socioeconomic factors. Read a f---ing book!
Armstrong: Heh heh. The truth, then. Us politicians aren't so trustworthy. We'll steal, make s--- up, even lie to our voters.
Raiden: That's crazy!
Armstrong: I know, it's very hard to believe. But that's just what the USA is all about, Jack. Not hiding our theft and murder, but embracing it. Whether it's votes. Whether it's money. Especially money. f--- all these limp dick YouTubers and chicken s--- Redditors. f--- this 24/7 Internet spew of Discord and Vtuber BULLs---! I'm gonna build a new future, Jack. One where we won't have to hide our stealing from anyone. And for that, I want you by my side. To build a world truly free from the consequenses of our actions. Just like the Founding Fathers intended. What do you say, Raiden? Why not try to say it? Just once.
Raiden: I was wrong about you, Senator. You're not cringe. You're just f---ing racist!
(Raiden throws him across the deck of the Excelsus)
Armstrong: Goddamn it! (he punches the ground in anger) (Real in-game dialogue) We're making the mother of all omelettes here, Jack. Can't fret over every egg!
Raiden: I'm sorry Senator, but this is my Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance.
Armstrong: You need to work on your fitness.
Raiden: What?
Armstrong: Fittin' this d--- in your mouth.
Armstrong: My blood is red, white, and blue Jack. I wonder what color yours is.
Blade Wolf: Wait. Raiden...
Raiden: Brian Griffin...
Blade Wolf: You can't give up yet! Think about every mentally deranged moron you've fought up until this point. You've always had the strength to overcome! Whether it was violence in movies, or sex on TV. I was always lucky there was a Family Guy. Even if your IQ is the room temperature of Alaska.
Raiden: You are the best Chia Pet ever made.
Blade Wolf: Sam put a f---ing speaker in his sword.
Sam: That's right, I've finally uploaded my consciousness into my gaming setup. Raiden, the reason you're cringe is not because you ain't skilled, but because you ain't ballin' on that stank-ass Windows 95 'puter.
Raiden: Even in death he's on crack.
Sam: Just this once I'll lend you my setup so you can know what it's like to be a real GAMER.
Armstrong: You're my little Dogchamp. (Armstrong kicks Blade Wolf out of the fight)
Raiden: I've always said my sword was a tool of justice. Not a weapon, but a way to bring back those good old fashioned values upon which we used to rely. But this isn't my sword. It's a f---ing mistake.
"But among his many racial talents, our Buff Buzzard is fast, has a great singing voice and possesses forklift certification; when you die, it will be in accordance with OSHA regulations."
—Max0r
"Needless to say, this fight is fantastic, combining and expanding on every skill we've acquired on our long and arduous journey for a final battle that truly tests our mettle. This isn't even the first time Raiden has stabbed a politician to death, but if I get my way, it won't be the f---ing last."
—Max0r
Armstrong: Y'know, I'm starting to have a change of heart.
Raiden: (squeezes Armstrong's heart) Yeah, I can tell.
Armstrong: That's why you're the best, Jack. You always wore my heart on your sleeve.
Raiden: (squeezes harder) If I hear another goddamn pun...
Armstrong: If you kill me, Jack, you'll finally be free. Free to follow your heart—
Raiden: (rips out Armstrong's heart) Oookay, that's it, buddy.
News anchor: And in other news, a United States Senator tragically passed away this morning after a botched open-heart surgery. The hospital is still at large...
Kevin: Honey, can we please stop watching obituaries?
Courtney: You'll be on there next if you don't SHUT THE f--- UP. (sips coffee)
Courtney: Ninja cyborg? Doesn't Raiden do that?
Doktor: Oh yes, Raiden, ahah, well... the police might be after him for that vehicular manslaughter.
Raiden: [laughter transcribed as "The essence of comedy"] Manslaughter, Doktor? I did that s--- on purpose! -
Machine... Turn back, now. For what purpose do you trample upon this Palace, Machine? To question God is heresy, Machine. But for your information, I am driving the corpse of King Minos like a f---ing Mazda.
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May your L's be many and your b----es few.
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MACHINE! I'LL f---ING KILL YOU
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I AM THE APOSTATE OF HATE
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"I'll break through my fate.... SHOKO!"
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BEHOLD! THE POWER OF AN ANGEL!!!
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