The Boy from Nibelheim
Thread Topic: The Boy from Nibelheim
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I completely forgot and now I missed it.
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I put my clothes in the dryer.
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I had some juice. It tasted good. I don't feel as sad, now.
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Even though I'm sad, I feel calm.
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I've decided to come back to my thread.
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I need to make myself stay in one thread. I don't know why I've been so indecisive lately.
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Hey, world? I've been feeling kind of sad today. I don't know why, but it's been making my mind an absolute wreck. I haven't had motivation to do anything, and I feel like crying. I feel like I'm nothing and nothing I do matters. I feel like all I do is fail. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll always be forgotten.
I guess I feel bad because I have to work tomorrow and I feel like I wasted the day, despite doing things throughout my time. I guess I feel sad because Valentines Day is Friday. I didn't realize it was here already. I guess I just feel burnt out. I never recovered from therapy last night. I was depressed today and missed an appointment because of it. I feel like a failure. Sometimes I'm lonely. I've been really lonely lately. I can see people but I can't bring myself to say anything. It's like something hinders me from doing so. I feel like I'm getting nowhere and I'm anxious about school. I still haven't heard anything back from them. And the things I do to try to enjoy my time all seem pointless because it's nothing important. Hobbies aren't important, and the comfort they provide is only temporary. Sometimes I feel like I need to go to the hospital but I don't say anything because I know someone will humiliate me, whether it's family or the doctors that have seen me millions of times for the same reason. I feel like a burden. All I've ever felt like is a leech. Even if there are things I can't do on my own, I never feel like I can accept help because I always feel like I owe someone and I can never repay them no matter what I do. It never measures up. I never measure up. And I feel alone in the struggle of dissociating. It's like my therapist doesn't understand and he's supposed to be specialized in it. When I think about it, there's a lot on my heart that's been weighing me down, but I feel so trapped like there's nothing I can do. A lot of my problems are out of my control. And what's within my control, I'm not able to do enough for it. Like getting help for depression. The psychiatrist told me since I'm on meds, using coping skills, and seeing therapists even more than once a week, I'm really doing all there is to do, and there's nothing more they can suggest. I feel like I'm not doing enough, but there's nothing more to do. I wish someone knew how I felt without having to tell them. I feel so scared and uncomfortable talking to anyone about these things. And what can they do to help? They often feel bad because they can't help or just make things worse when I'm already in a delicate situation.
But, anyway, I guess I'm just griping at this point. But thanks for listening to me, world. -
I don't feel any better after saying this.
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It was worth a try, right?...
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If I'm honest, I feel like leaving everything. Disappearing from everyone and everything. If I just went missing one day...
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Why do I keep trying when I could just leave?
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I want to leave.
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I don't want to hear the same old "people will miss you if you're gone." I'm tired of being here for other people. What's my reason for being here?
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I regret not having the guts. That'll probably never change, so I'll be stuck here.
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It's the only thing that makes me feel better. I deserve it.
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