By land, by sea, by dirigible
- Locked due to inactivity on Jun 2, '20 3:54am
Thread Topic: By land, by sea, by dirigible
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i don't hate you and I know this is how it needs to be but that doesn't mean this doesn't SUCK and hurt like a b----
The drugs help.
The medication helps.
The friends help.
The intimacy helps
But nothing fixes it and it hurts to know that part of me cant and will never be fixed -
Somethings cant be replaced
I tried
Very few people qualify -
In fact, just one
But it's not a replacement
Just.. Someone else I shared a similar bond with -
I hope the universe sees what I need because at this point i have no idea
I yell all the things id say to you while i drive home. All the anger and resentment and grief and pain and betrayal. I cry every time. I hope one day I stop having so much to say to you. -
I hope one day I master the art of letting go because right now i feel like I'm fighting an unwinable fight. There are no possible happy outcomes.
And I know once I truly stop fighting myself over it, it will be better.
But it feels impossible to stop -
why am i so insecure
god damn it -
stop associating unlike things and people
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now ill be anxious until he responds
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I hope he didnt turn his 10 oclock alarm of bc some reassuring words would be fantastic right about now
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Please dont be off please dont be off please dont be off please dont be off
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I should get up and take my medication
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Idk why i feel so unsettled still
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Back to the void and sweet, sweet smoke
Funny how getting angry makes me wanna write -
sometimes I feel like I'm falling too fast and then i remember that he told me he loved me after like three weeks
God I love him
I love his little cocky laugh when i made a dirty joke
I love all the freckles on his tanned arms. I wanna get a pen and connect them one day
I love how hardworking he is. I love how proactive he is about his workload too.
I love his music tastes and I LOVE listening to him sing along quietly
I love how he plays with the family dog, I love how he does the same voice for everyone when he's imitating people
I love how he tells stories to me so excitedly
I love how he's so secure in his masculinity
And how he's just such a badass. Like he could and would beat someone's ass for me.
I love his he smiles with one side of his mouth, and how handsome he looks when I'm laying next to him
I wish I knew how to be a good girlfriend. I never got to be in a relationship where I loved the other person, other than online, and I was soooo much younger then. I don't know what I should be doing to make him want to stay. I feel like I'm in waaaaay too deep and I am so scared of being abandoned. I keep thinking, I could leave now and be okay. I could cut him off and be okay. But how long until I pass the point of no return? How long until I won't be okay if we stop talking? How long until we stop talking?
I just wish I knew how to keep his attention. I feel like a replacement for Darcie. I feel like he still expects to see her but instead he gets me. I know I shouldn't think like that.
I wonder if I should tell him about all my fears -
I feel like honesty and communication is important at times like these but I suck at both. I'm so good at hiding how I feel.
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