New Beginnings on an Open Page
- Locked due to inactivity on Oct 25, '19 3:54am
Thread Topic: New Beginnings on an Open Page
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Honestly there’s so much more, but I really don’t want to go into even more detail on a public forum. I know that no one I know would be able to find me, but still…I just don’t like talking about certain things especially since I’ve already cussed up a storm. If anyone’s reading this, know that it’s not exactly me saying and thinking this all the time. This is just stuff that’s built up over several months, and I needed a way to let it out somehow. I figured GTQ was the safest way. Sure, I could have just furiously scribbled everything out in a journal, but this is more permanent. This is public. This has the chance to be read. Not like anyone would even care to read this pile of yak s---, but still, they could.
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I know this all is just stupid and irrational. I’m a teenager and I’m almost 17 and my period’s due this week. I’m kind of a wreck. I honestly feel way better now.
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Another thing, though… I’m not too upset about it personally, but my brother is crashing and burning. Again. For probably the eighth time by now. He just turned 23, but he’s a complete loser. He went back to college for the third time in five years, and he’s not even going to make it to when classes start. He’s just a total f---ing wuss. My parents were all convinced that he was this totally new and changed person last January, and then again this May, but I didn’t think so. I saw right through that b------, and I was right. Same with my sister. Make fun of me all you want for not trusting people, but I’m never wrong.
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Probably the most upsetting part of that is that my parents actually care about him. Not as much as they did the last time he crashed and burned (which he does quite a lot), but still, I can’t help but feel like I’m the last priority around here. Maybe I should throw a tantrum or something to get attention, I don’t know.
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Something else random that I feel like I should say… Obviously I’m still into HTTYD, but it’s…different. I haven’t watched the actual material since I saw the third movie back in May. Yeah sure I’ve watched some music videos, but those aren’t exactly the same. But I’ve been reading fanfiction. Lots of it. It didn’t bother me at first because originally it was just the classic Hiccup!whump stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary. It might sound weird, but we Dragonites love torturing our boy H. So anyway, I was reading a few of those, which I’ve been doing for years. Nothing weird there in terms of normal behavior for me.
Well, now I’ve started getting into dark rape fics. Like, super f---ing dark. I had read them before and they always grossed me out, like they didn’t feel right, but now those stories actually f---ing turn me on. I wasted so many potentially productive hours reading a fic that’s over a hundred chapters long. I don’t even wanted to say what it was called because honestly it’s f---ing embarrassing that I liked the story so much, but I did. I still do. -
But anyway, something about that fic kinda helped me too. It feels weird talking about it, but it involved trauma and PTSD. A literal split personality. And while my life is a far cry from being that bad, I still drew value from it. Because I feel like I’m two people. On the one hand, there’s Via the Victor — my strong, confident, capable, motivated alter ego who doesn’t give a s--- what other people think and rises above every situation. And then there’s this…oh gods I don’t even know how to describe it…monster I guess? It’s like I’ve become a monster that does whatever the f--- it pleases. And it’s so easy to switch back and forth that most of the time I don’t even know which one I am. I don’t know which one I am right now.
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I want to be Via the Victor. I want to live up to my self-imposed title that I made my email address so I would remember it forever, or at least a good long while. I want to be able to look back on 2019 and feel triumph, not shame. But here we are, almost to September, and I don’t know how that’s going to change. I’ve tried so many times, and failed.
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I just get so overwhelmed by everything on my plate that I shut down and don’t do any of it. I have at least six people that I need to respond to by email or some other way. I have a new piano teacher who’s expensive as hell and I need to practice really hard for. But with my mom and…that guy outside in his new stupid ass trailer all afternoon, I just don’t practice. One day I made it like I practiced four hours, when in reality I didn’t even touch the keys. And then there’s everything I have to do for…that thing….all fall. And I’m so overwhelmed and stressed about that, even though at the same time I’m completely slacking off and doing nothing to keep myself from freaking out. I just feel so incapable, and yet I’m being put up on this artificial pedestal that was only created because I was above average as a little kid. Well, I’m not a little kid anymore. My brain doesn’t work like it did when I was 7. I’m losing my mind. I have the memory and sanity of a 60-year-old, or maybe even older than that. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have a personality, and all I’m thinking about is rape and other horrible s---.
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I want to be done with this lifestyle, to put an end to this once and for all and become Via the Victor once more. But it’s like something’s stopping me. I just don’t know what it is. It’s just awfully inconvenient at this time of year — and month.
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I need to keep talking. There needs to be a happy ending to all this. I can’t just dump all this s--- all over my thread…it feels so weird calling it that…and leave it there. New beginnings on an open page…when was the last time I even listened to that song? When was the last time I listened to any song to get motivation, other than during the few times I’ve worked out lately? I need a new beginning and an open page. I just don’t know how to get it.
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Gods, that song is ironic right about now. “Here I am, living a dream that I can’t hold.” Well, for me it’s more like “Here I am, living a nightmare that I can’t get rid of.” I don’t even get it, how I can be causing the problem and trying to solve it at the same time. That doesn’t even make sense.
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I need a plan. Some sort of rigid safety net to make sure that I won’t fall prey to myself again, or at least not as badly. It’s just hard to do that with no accountability. I’m literally the only one who can hold me accountable to do all this right, because I can’t exactly explain this to anyone and have them look me straight in the eyes afterward. I know that everything I’m feeling isn’t totally weird, but I just feel like such a stereotypical teenager that it sickens me. I want to be normal, but being normal feels wrong at the same time. I hate that good things have to feel wrong.
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Ugh, I don’t even know what to do. I need to think of something, though. It’s August. My year is wasting away, and so is my life. I’ve let this continue for long enough. Really, May 11 was when I started to unravel. When that stupid phone gave out on me. I went into the most horrendous depression for several weeks. I was so mad that I either had no appetite, or else I had the appetite of a Monstrous Nightmare. It was absolute hell. I’m glad I pulled out of that. But still, I haven’t been right since. I used to wake up at 4:30 and work out for several hours while listening to the HTTYD audiobooks. I can’t do that anymore. I have to content myself with a few prerecorded songs on a battery-powered recording device. It’s just not the same, and it’s really hard to get motivated to exercise when my fandom isn’t there to back me up like it used to be.
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I don’t know why computer games enthrall me so much. I guess it’s just the concept of accomplishing something? Completing a mission, getting three stars, unlocking a new task… I know it sounds stupid (psh, like anything I’ve said doesn’t?), but that might be it. If I’m going to be a trashy human being, I might as well go all the way. So really, the solution is to transfer that pleasure of accomplishment into real work. To set up a rewards system for when I accomplish something. The hard part is that I’m not really in control of myself. Once I say yes, it’s really, really hard, nearly impossible, to say no. I’ll have to work around that, since I haven’t been able to yet. It really sucks that this stupid laptop doesn’t let me delete apps. I would gladly delete them all if I could. I genuinely regret downloading them in the first place, but now it’s like I’m addicted. And it’s such a f---ing stupid thing to be addicted to! I just don’t get it. I wish I could talk to someone in person about all my s---, but who? Everyone thinks I’m this amazing, mature, independent person who doesn’t need any support, when in reality my insides are screaming for someone who can just understand me and be there for me.
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I’m rambling again. I honestly don’t know if any of this will make sense when I read over it later. Will I see this months, years down the road and be disgusted by myself, or proud that I took the time to write it all out? I'm assuming it will be the former but I have no idea. I’m so drastically different from what I was a year ago, even just four months ago, and I don’t know what the future holds.
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